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I should pause and control my breathing. I should explain to him about the Xanax. But the bitter words sneak through my lips before I can stop them.
“Like you’re so perfect.”
“What does that mean?” Logan counters.
I clench my fists, the fury and disappointment and sadness that I felt when I saw him those weeks ago with Jacinta mixing with my newfound anger. All of it whirling in my gut like a tornado.
“I saw you,” I spit.
He scrunches his forehead, confused.
“With her. With Jacinta.”
It’s like I’ve pulled a knife on him. He backs up on the couch. “Cass, it wasn’t what it looked—”
“You were kissing her. It was exactly what it looked like.”
I can see how far off course this conversation has derailed but I can’t stop.
“And then I found your engagement ring next to Lucy. It was buried in the sand on the sea floor, right next to her dead body. Were you lying about losing that too?” I rush forward, before he has a chance to answer. “Were you hooking up with Lucy before she died? Is that why she had your ring? Or was it worse than that? Didyoukill her?”
The venom pools out of me, the jealous accusations leaving my mouth half-formed. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’ve never thought Logan was responsible for Lucy’s death or even that he was interested in her. But all of a sudden, I’m in that hotel room again, my back to the wall. I’m reaching for anything to deflect his anger, his disappointment.
Before either of us can say any more, I hear something. A small bang from the back of the house.
“What is that? Is someone here?” I ask frantically.
Within seconds, I’m in the bedroom. The doors to the closet and the bathroom are still open, humidity clinging to the air from Logan’s shower. I throw open the door to the patio and stick my head out, but the balcony is empty.
I don’t know who I’m looking for or what I’m expecting, but the feeling from the last few days returns with full force. Eyes on me, following me. Someone tracing my movements. And now that person is here. In my home.
I frantically rummage through the closet and get on all fours to check under the bed. Nothing. If someone is hiding in here, they’re doing a damn good job of it.
“There’s no one here, all right?” Logan says cautiously. “It was probably just a branch hitting the side of the house or something. You need to calm down.”
I ignore him, but he’s right. I do need to calm down. This anger isn’t accomplishing anything.
I give the room one last glance and settle on my bedside table. Everything is as it should be, except for the picture I keep turned to the bed of me and Logan. Now it’s turned away, our smiles facing the room as if on display.
“Did you move that?” The accusatory inflection in my tone isn’t lost on Logan.
“The picture? Why would I do that?”
“I always keep it facing the other way. You were snooping through my drawer?” I think of the Xanax I’ve hidden in there. He can’t know about it.
“Of course I wasn’t. Love, what’s going on?” Logan sits down on the bed, his forehead threaded with lines of concern.
I don’t know where to start. I haven’t had a pill since this morning, and my mouth waters. I glance back to the drawer. Only a short reach away.
“Cass, sit down, please.” He says it gently, pointing to the spot next to him on the bed. Once I’m seated, he turns his body towardme, his hands clasping mine, and despite everything, I feel warmth radiating through them.
“You’re right about Jacinta,” he says, and I feel something inside me break. Despite seeing it with my own eyes, I wanted him to convince me I was wrong. That it was all some big mistake. Instead, he maintains eye contact, his voice soft. “I had lunch with her one day. I shouldn’t have even gone, but I met her the night before at the bar, and when lunch was over, she—she kissed me. I don’t know, Cass. I can’t explain it. I had just bought the rings—our engagement rings—the day before, and I was planning to propose that week. But all of it just seemed so real, so permanent. I got scared. What do people call it? Cold feet?”
He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “I have no excuse for it. All I can say is, she—Jacinta—tried to do more after that, but once we left the restaurant, I stopped it. It was like I finally came to my senses. I realized how much I was sacrificing, everything I could be throwing away. And I couldn’t lose you. You’re everything to me. This life we’ve built—it’s everything.”
His voice breaks on the last word, and he stops, bending his head forward as if trying to regain his composure. When he looks back at me, a strand of curls rests against his forehead, and there are tears in his eyes.
“I don’t know how I could have been so stupid. But after that, I was certain. More certain than I’ve ever been about anything. You’re the person I want to spend my life with. The person I love.”
