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However, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hold back, because I yearn to see him, I really do. I feel so invigorated and alive when I’m around him, and so purposeless and lonely without his commanding presence. Even if it’s just a quick look, just passing in the hallway, a whiff of his intoxicating scent…
But I haven’t seen him in the coffee place again since that day, and of course, I haven’t heard from him either. Sometimes it feels like he’s just living in my imagination, and I count the days until our next class together.
Until then, I try to keep myself busy by working on „the best version of myself”, a mantra that I’ve adopted from my ambitious aunt. I study, and I go through the students’ assignments that Professor Jones wants me to grade. I prepare material for the undergraduate class he’s teaching, and I bring a USB with the slide decks that he’s going to use for our class, just in case.
And I do it all with the utmost care and precision. It’s actually a lot easier to get things done in the library because there are no distractions.
Unlike home. My desire to run into him is not all that keeps me on campus as much as possible these days. My roommates haven’t been getting along for a while now, and things have been escalating more and more lately.
And from the sounds of it, they’re at each other’s throats again tonight. It’s early evening, and I just finished another study session at the library. I’m standing in front of our door, with takeout food in one hand and the keys in the other, and pause when I hear their voices coming from inside.
„Fuck,” I hiss to myself, before I take a deep breath. I will just sneak in and hurry into my room as quickly as possible. They may not even notice me.
But as soon as I open the door, I’m met with two very upset faces.
„Claire!” Colleen cries out, sounding relieved, while she throws her arms up in the air. „Finally, someone reasonable!”
Oh, no, I don’t like where this is going.
„I don’t want to—”
„Back me up here, will you,” Colleen cuts me off, before she stomps over to the door, grabs me by the wrist and pulls me into the living room, where Stephanie is standing with her arms crossed in front of her chest and a sour look on her face.
„Oh, so you’re ganging up on me again, huh?” She gripes.
„I don’t even know—”
„Stephanie insists on having a huge party, here, at our home,” Colleen begins.
„Not just any party, my birthday!” Stephanie interjects.
„Whatever,” Colleen waves her off, before she turns back to me. „And she wants to do it here, next Saturday. She wants to invite half the school to our tiny apartment. They’ll trash the place!”
„Oh, come on!” Stephanie mewls. „That’s ridiculous. We’re not in high school anymore. People will just drink and maybe dance a bit. It will be fun!”
She comes over to me, her hands clasped together as if she’s praying.
„We never have any parties here, never,” she pleads. „And I promise I will do all the preparation, and the cleaning! You two will have to do nothing, except for maybe have fun for once in your life! I mean, you’re obviously invited.”
„I’m not sure, I—”
„I don’t want to be invited!” Colleen cries out. „I need my peace! Especially that weekend! I’ve got a huge test coming up the week after, I need to study like crazy!”
„You always say that!” Stephanie argues. „It’s the beginning of the semester, for God’s sake, and it won’t kill you to skip studying for just one single night!”
They glare at each other, before turning their heads in my direction. They’re both waiting for me to pick a side, just like always. I hate fights, always have, and always will. My aunt used to say that my desire to always strive for harmony is one of my sweetest, but also most dangerous traits, because it can easily turn me into a people pleaser. And maybe she’s right, because right now, all I want is for everybody to get along, and for no one to be hurt or angry at each other—or at me.
I just want to curl up in my room and eat dinner, while watching The Office until I pass out.
„We need a tiebreaker,” Colleen says, while one of her eyebrows flies up expectantly. From the corner of my eye, I can see Stephanie rolling her eyes.
„Oh, I see how it is,” she moans. „You guys are ganging up against me. Again!”
„I didn’t even say anything,” I add for consideration. „You two are dragging me into this, against my will.”
„But you live here, too,” Colleen argues. „Are you really okay with having a massive party here that will destroy our entire weekend?”
I’m not, in fact. But I hate to be called a party-pooper, and I hate to make Stephanie angry, because, even though I’m not as outgoing as she is, I get where she’s coming from. Living with people like Colleen and me must be a burden to her, and I’m sure she envies all of her friends who share their apartments with people who are more fun.
