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Tears are pearling in my eyes when I stroke her little head, and my heart aches for cats like her. She’s a senior black cat, which means her chances at being adopted are very slim. People usually want young cats, kittens ideally, and the superstition that black cats bring misfortune is still going strong.
„I wish I could take you home,” I whisper, when Serena begins purring, as I pet her behind the ears.
I would take her in an instant, if university housing would allow it. And even then, I probably wouldn’t get the approval of my roommates. My living situation is not fit to take in a couple of cats right now, but as soon as that changes, I will give a home to at least two rescues.
Or four, my mind adds, as my thoughts drift back to the little family residing in a lavish Back Bay townhouse. Aston keeps saying that he’s not sure whether he will keep them, but at this point, it has become pretty obvious to me that he will. He probably doesn’t even notice it, but I’ve seen the way he’s smiling when one of the cats curls up in his lap, or the way he laughs when they storm around the large property, living their best cat life.
I shake off the images, unwilling to go to a place that might break my heart. I never should have gotten used to his place and his cute companions. Things were never meant to be this cozy between us. And with everything that’s going on, I don’t see how we could ever be more than secret lovers.
Unless…
Shaking my head again, I get back up, accompanied by another meow from Serena. Ever since Aston talked about his passion for number theory and we had our little argument later on, I’ve been battling with thoughts of doubt regarding my own career—and I don’t know how to feel about that. I never questioned the path I was on, one that would lead me to an academic career, just like my aunt.
It was always my plan to focus purely on research in number theory for my Master’s thesis, but this semester I’ve been taking a class that deals with the practical implication of our work in cryptography, and I’ve been hooked on the subject in a way I never expected to be. Suddenly, the idea of creating algorithms based on number theory that are used for secure communication or data encryption seems a lot more interesting to me than doing nothing but foundational research for the rest of my life. It feels like I’ve only been following this path because it has been laid out for me. My aunt was always supportive of my academic interests because she wanted me to follow in her footsteps and things just fell into place step by step. I’m smart and good at what I’m doing, but I’m not passionate about it at all—but I would like to be.
Maybe this is why I was so hurt by Aston’s condescending way of dismissing his sister’s proposal. He made it sound like theoretical work was the only thing worthwhile doing, feeding my insecurities in this regard.
I roll my eyes when my phone starts vibrating again. I pull it out of my jeans, ready to tell him to stop calling me because I don’t want to talk to him right now. But the call is not from Aston, it’s from my aunt, as if I’d just conjured her with my musings.
I hesitate, before deciding to answer.
„Hi Aunt Maureen.”
„How is my niece doing? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she greets me. It’s true that our calls have grown less frequent lately, and I now realize that I may have been avoiding her, too.
„I’m okay. I’m at the shelter right now, helping out Paula,” I say, while I walk across the property, back to the main building.
„That’s so sweet of you, helping out those poor cats,” she says. „But only ‘okay’? What’s going on? You sound a little subdued, too.”
I let out a long sigh. „Oh, it’s nothing…”
I can’t tell her about Aston, which is starting to hurt more and more. My aunt and I may not be super close, but I never had any major secrets I couldn’t share with her before, and I hate it.
„It’s a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” my aunt says. „Graduate studies, I mean. I remember struggling through the first year of my Master’s, it’s okay if you do, too.”
„What do you mean?” I ask. „How did you struggle?”
„Oh, you know. I was looking forward to focusing on my interests, to really get into things, you know? But then you realize that it doesn’t get any easier. You realize how much there is to research, to learn, to wonder. There’s so many things occupying your mind and…ah, I don’t want to ramble. I’m sure you know what I mean?”
I’m not sure if I do, but I’m stunned by her words, nonetheless. It’s as if the universe is giving me an opportunity to give voice to my inner turmoil, and receive an outsider’s perspective.
„Did you…did you ever question the path you were on?” I dare to ask. My heart is beating wildly when I hear my aunt suck in a long breath of air before she replies.
„Sometimes,” she says. „You know how competitive it is in academia. You never know where you’ll end up, jobs are rare, and sometimes it’s just based on pure dumb luck or the right connections. It seems rather unfair at times, doesn’t it?”
I nod. „I guess so.”
„But all that doesn’t really matter as long as you’re doing something you love, right?” She goes on, „I never doubted it again after getting my PhD, even though I had to move across the country quite a few times. But it’s all worth it in the end.”
„So you never considered…leaving research?” I probe.
„That would have been a last resort for me,” she says. „I neverwantedto do anything else, but there were times when I thought I might have to, you know. Is that something you’re worried about right now?”
I bite my lower lip as I come to a halt in front of the main building of the shelter. Two other cats are rubbing against my legs, and I hear more meowing come from inside, accompanied by Paula’s high-pitched voice, as she tries to soothe the cats.
„A little bit,” I admit. She sounds a lot like Aston when she talks about her work, which makes me feel like she wouldn’t understand either. She never even considered doing anything else, unless she absolutely had to.
„It’s more like…I-I’m not sure whether this really is what I want to do,” I stutter.
