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“Nah, Madness. I stopped f—being with anyone.”
I take a step back, blinking as I try to make sense of what he’s just said.
“Being with anyone? You don’t mean…”
“Yes…” The silence after that yes stretches on for a minute before he explains, and I stare at him in shock. “That’s what I mean. I felt guilty at first. Felt like it was the least I could do after I took your virginity and left you like that. After you trusted me with all of it, and I broke your heart. I didn’t want anyone else anyway. I tried a couple of times, and I just couldn’t do it. I always saw your face and heard your voice. It felt like I was cheating on you, and I wasn’t being fair to them. Made me feel fucking awful. Plus I didn’t want to risk someone getting attached to me, knowing I’d leave them in a second if you ever came back.”
I stare at him, wide-eyed because, of all the things he’s told me, this one is the hardest to process. I saw him photographed and out with what seemed like dozens of women. Before me, I knew there had been plenty. Not as much as Tobias and Xander. He didn’t do girlfriends, but he did usually have a regular friend with benefits. One he exchanged at regular intervals.
“That turn you off?” he asks when the silence stretches on.
“I just have a hard time believing it. All those women you were photographed with. The way you were before me…”
His smile twists and fades as he looks down at the floor. “I told you. I had—have—a sick fucking obsession with you, Madness. I’m not saying I wasn’t tempted. That I didn’t want to bury my cock in someone else to try to forget, but I couldn’t do it. I went out on dates sometimes. One of my friends would be seeing someone and would set me up with her friend. Someone I met while I was out. I didn’t lock myself away. I just didn’t take them home.”
“I see,” I say softly. “But I didn’t wait for you.”
“Oh fuck. I don’t care about that. I knew you were living your life. I didn’t wish anything different for you. I hoped you were out there, traveling Europe and doing all the things you wanted. The only thing I hoped was that it wasn’t Xander. I knew if he ever caved, he’d wake the fuck up like I did and see what he’d been missing all along. That jealousy would have eaten me alive.”
“That’s why you were so mad when I joked about it.”
“Not mad. Just jealous. I could never be mad at you. Especially not for chasing the person you wanted. That would make me a fucking hypocrite when I spent a fucking decade chasing you.”
“I didn’t want Xander. I mean originally, yes. But all these years. He was just a stand-in for you. When people would ask why I wasn’t dating or why I didn’t stay in a relationship, I’d joke and say it was because I was in love with him and waiting for him to notice me. But it’s because I was in love with you, and no one lived up to you in my head.”
“Now it’s my turn to be skeptical, Madness, because I’ve heard you were pretty fucking down about Xander getting married. Your brother made sure to rub that in my face in the locker room at the beginning.”
“Because I figured if he was married, you definitely would be. I couldn’t bring myself to look you up. I avoided your games and mentions of you as much as I could because I didn’t want to know. The thought of you married, with kids… not that I wanted you to be unhappy. I wanted you to be happy, I just didn’t want to think about it personally. You know?” I look up at him, and he’s smirking. “What?”
“I know. I tried to stay away, but I’d look you up sometimes. Brace myself for when I had to see the boyfriend or the engagement announcement. Held my fucking breath that it wouldn’t be anyone I knew. That it wouldn’t be Xander…”
I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck, my fingers running down the sides of it as he looks at me.
“It was never going to be Xander. It was always going to be you.”
I kiss him and he answers it, deliberate and consuming passes of his lips and tongue over mine. He wraps his arms around me and presses me backward, pinning me up against the wall. The cool tile shocks my skin and brings me back as he pulls away, studying me.
“Or A.J? Or Nick?” His eyes lift with a hint of jealousy in them.
“You know they weren’t real.”
“The thought of it though…” His hands brush softly over my sides until they come to rest on my hips.
“Like you going home with Nora?”
The wariness fades as a grin spreads on his face.
“Fuck, that was hot. The way you got so fucking heated over that. Then so flustered trying to cover it up.”
“I think I was more flustered over what happened on the terrace. Thought you weren’t the fuck-in-public type, Undergrove?” I lift a brow.
One of his hands slips over my abdomen and then slides up my middle, over my breastbone and clavicle until he reachesmy neck. His fingers wrap around my throat, and his amused smile turns shameless.
“Turns out I’m a fuck-you-wherever-I-need-to-so-I-can-remind-you-you’re-mine type.” His hand tightens just a bit. He leans in, his cock gliding over my wet skin and pressing into my belly. “Anytime you need me to put you in the right mindset on that, you just let me know. My cock, my tongue, whatever you need. Because they’re the first you ever had and they’re going to be the last.”
“You sure about that?” I taunt him, and the challenge flickers in his eyes.
“Oh, I’ll prove it to you, Madness.” His grip on my throat tightens, and he pulls me forward, kissing me roughly before he turns me around.
