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I nod and then swallow, not sure what to say.
“Why are you here?” his words are clipped and hurt, and I just sigh.
“Same. Ollie wanted to try and make me happy. I’ve been so sad, Alec.”
His face falls and he pulls me into him, and for just a moment, I let him hold me before pulling away. I feel the rip of it almost palpably.
We stand there staring at one another, both of us breathing heavily, his form swimming through my unshed tears.
“I’m so damn sorry,” he says softly and reaches out toward me, but I tilt away from him, his arm falling to his side instead.
“I know. Me too.”
He nods and then wets his lips. My gaze falls to his mouth, and I feel a longing deep within me.
I can’t stand this. I can’t handle any of it. I need to leave before I crumble and am unable to pick myself back up.
“Come home with me,” Alec says, and I shake my head, already feeling my will crumbling. “Please. Let’s talk about this.”
I shake my head, swiping at my wet cheeks.
“Please, baby.”
“No, I’m gonna…I need to leave.”
I push through the crowd, and I feel Alec behind me, trying to catch up.
“Just listen to the voicemails, please. Please, Jude,” he shouts, but I’m running now, out the door and into the street, detouring down an alley and hiding behind a dumpster.
Alec doesn’t chase me this far.
I wish he’d chased me.
But I’m left alone, shaking hands pulling my phone out to text Ollie, to have him come get me so we can go home and I can fall apart alone.
And fall apart I do.
I’ve never felt so broken before. I don’t know how to be put back together again.
The shouts from Alec ring out all night as I stuff myself under my blankets and refuse to get out. I don’t know how to climb out of this pit of depression, but I need to try. I need to realize that maybe I do deserve this heartbreak, but I also deserve a redemption arc as well. Right? I don’t deserve to wallow forever.
My phone sits near me, dead like me.
I flounder around, plugging it in, and I blink when it lights up. God, my eyeballs are going to just fall out. They’re far too sensitive from all this goddamn crying.
With trembling hands I pull it toward me, the charging cord stretched taut. I blink and blink as the messages come flooding in, one after the other, and I feel my heart just clench and contract, an overused muscle, a broken one.
Saturday 7:45 PM
Alec:
Call me when you get home.
I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.
I’m an idiot for thinking I could ever get involved with you and not fall for you.
You don’t deserve this. You say it’s karma, but it’s not. It was just me being cruel.
