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I know I should go with the latter. And yet, my feet carry me into the bathroom and my hands peel my clothes from my body. I stand under the showerhead chantingno, no, nowhile I wash every crevice twice.
If my sister knew what I was about to do. If she knew. Oh fuck. I pause, putting my head under the warm water and letting out a long breath.
She doesn’t need to know. She doesn’t need to know about my hobbies, about what I’m about to let Alec do to me. It’s noneof her business. It’s never been her business. I’ve kept this part of me so damn close to my chest for so very long.
And yet, part of me feels ashamed for considering this in the first place, for standing in this shower and prepping myself for what’s about to come.
I didn’t grow up in the most supportive home. I remember my parents being so closed-minded, so against things outside of their standard. Slurs were used so often in my house, they would ring in my ears. Then my mom died and my dad left when I was thirteen, and I felt like maybe I was free. Like I could be someone else. Like perhaps I could recreate myself. But my older sister stepped up and took over raising me. She made it very obvious early on that she held the same beliefs, hating on those who were different, her judgmental tone always lacing every conversation. She hasn’t ever changed, making her opinions about things known every goddamn day. And as much as I despise the way she is, she’s all I have left. Her and those damn wonderful kids that she’d probably never let me see again if she knew…
And yet, here I am, about to get my ass eaten by a man I barely know.
Because I suck dick as a hobby.
And I have an obsession with my landlord.
“Fuck,” I murmur. I can’t do this. I can’t. If I do this, things could change. I would change.
I can never go back if I sit on his face.
Never.
But I don’t stop washing. I continue running things over in my mind until I’m dried off and back in the bedroom, a towel around my waist, the realization of what I’m really going to do hitting me all at once.
What I’mfinallyletting myself do.
My eyes dart nervously around the dim space, the only light in the room from the lamp beside the bed. It’s a barren bedroom,one with very little of myself on the walls or on the shelves. Maybe it’s because I don’t really even know who I am.
The truth is, I still haven’t figured out who Jude Martin is.
My gaze falls on Alec, lounging on the bed. He’s propped up against the headboard, completely naked, his cock standing at attention, an arm behind his head as he watches me lock the door. Apparently he knew what I was going to do before I did. So self-assured, so confident. It makes him even more hot, in a totally subjective way.
I’m not attracted to him.
Just his dick.
And only just a little bit.
“Come here,” he says when I don’t move. But I can’t. I just continue to stand by the door, a bead of water falling from my hair and trailing down my chest. I feel my nipples pebble and my skin break out in goosebumps.
How can I justify this? Can getting my ass eaten become a hobby?
And what if I can’t stop? What if this becomes an addiction? How could I ever rationalize this to my sister?
Fuck, I don’t know, but Alec looks like he’s getting impatient, and I’m worried he’s going to get up, get dressed, and walk out the door if I don’t move.
And I need to nip this obsession in the butt.
My butt. Literally.
My hand shakily grasps the knot of the towel, and I war with myself until I finally let it drop. My dick is hard and straining out from my body, and I watch as Alec’s eyelids grow hooded, as his tongue peeks out and wets his lips. Almost as if he’s eager for it. For my ass.
I’ve never had my ass eaten, but I’ve imagined it.
Once. Just once. Andneveragain.
And here I am, about to make a single fantasy a reality.
“Come here,” he says again, his voice low and demanding. My feet lead me to him without hesitation, and he reaches out and pulls me into him. I fall against his side and scramble up, not wanting to press against him for too long. The skin-to-skin contact seems like too much. This is all too much.
