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Jude is more complex than he appears.
Not that I plan on telling Killian anything about tonight. It’s none of his business and honestly, his bad attitude would just taint it, and I don’t want anything ruining this moment.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else,” he admits softly. “I’ve been with girls before, but…it’s kind of a chore, you know? It never felt like this.”
Oh Jude, I think as he shifts even closer to me, almost like he needs me to blanket him from his truths.
“This felt different. With you. It’s all felt different.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
He sighs and buries his face further into my neck, his warm breath puffing against my skin.
“I think I’m…” He lets that last word hang in the air before he whispers, “…gay. Or something.”
“Yeah, baby, I think you are,” I reply soothingly. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
He sniffles softly and fuck, is he crying? My heart pinches in my chest and my arms tighten around him.
“I can’t tell anyone. I can’t,” he says, his voice cracking.
“You don’t have to. This is your life. You don’t owe anyone anything.”
He nods and sniffles more, almost like he’s choking back tears. When this all started I wanted to see him cry, but now I can’t fucking stand it. It’s making me all sorts of miserable.
“My sister can’t ever know. She’ll keep the kids from me, I know she will. She hates who I am, always has.”
My heart squeezes, and I pull him up so he’s fully on top of me.
He shivers and I realize he’s trembling. “You cold?” I ask and he nods.
“I’m so fucked,” he murmurs, and I press a kiss to that red hair I’m obsessed with.
“You owe your sister nothing. She never needs to know.”
He huffs as I reach down and pull the comforter over the two of us. My hand splays across his back, rubbing soothing circles across his skin until his breathing evens out.
“It’ll all be okay, right?” he asks so innocently.
I swallow down my guilt. “Yeah, Jude. It will. I promise.”
My words seem to assure him because a few minutes later soft snores escape his mouth. My hand stops stroking his skin, and I hold him to me tightly.
“Fuck,” I murmur, feeling like shit. I am the shittiest.
Jude is so much more than I thought he was.
This revelation makes me even more of an asshole.
God, how am I ever going to make this right? The thought haunts me as I fall into a restless sleep. I dream of red and orange hues, of me running and never moving, of losing something I never had.
And when I wake up, he’s gone.
“You look like hell,” Killian says after he knocks on my door later that day. He has a cup of coffee perched in his hand and he extends it to me.
“I feel like hell,” I say, realizing that the main reason for this is that Jude hasn’t responded to my messages. No, he hasn’t texted me at all since sneaking out of my house, and all of my texts have been left on read.
Not that I don’t deserve it.
