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I nod and watch as he disappears out of my bedroom. I should walk him to the front door, but I’m afraid if I do, I won’t let him leave. So I stay in my bed until I hear the front door close.
Then I reluctantly turn, grab my phone, and turn it on. I see missed messages from Killian and a few from Laurent. But it’s Killian’s that stand out.
He’s once again harping on me to tell Jude about who I am, about how we knew each other ages ago.
I don’t want to though. Things with Jude are much more complicated and delicate than I originally thought. He’s so fragile, so needy. If I tell him who I am, about why I startedthis thing with him in the first place, he’d be so hurt. All of the amazing strides he’s made in his journey toward sexual discovery would be wiped clean.
I’d be responsible for that.
Me.
I can’t do that to him. I know that eventually, if things continue between us, I’ll need to tell him that this started out as some kind of revenge plot, a silly scheme my inner high school nerd came up with. But now that I look back on it, I realize how stupid it all was, how immature and just fucking mean. I was no better than he was in high school. Bullying the bully.
My phone pings, and I glance down at it, my stomach rolling when I see Killian’s message.
Killian:
I know you wanted to get him to fall for you to prove a point. But you’ve taken it too far. You need to tell him before someone gets hurt. This is someone’s life, Alec. This isn’t a game anymore.
I swallow and place my phone facedown on my end table, turning my gaze to the ceiling.
Yeah, there was a point where I wanted to make him feel small. It lasted about two days, until I got to know him. I no longer have those aspirations.
No. I like Jude. I like him a hell of a lot.
I can see myself with him in the future. Jude and I.
He’s sweet and shy and unsure. The way he looks at me… No one has ever looked at me like that before. It’s like I’m some kind of superhuman, some kind of king. And I’ve done nothing but fuck around with him, hold him tightly at night and whisper lies into his ear.
Well, not all lies. Most are truths, but the lies that started this have eaten away at any goodness that may have been sowed. Killian’s right. I need to tell Jude who I am.
But no time seems like the right time. When I meet him at the escape room, my mouth opens, ready to spew all the ugly truths, but he just grabs my hand and pulls me along, adorably thrilled. All my words dry up.
He’s radiant like this, his cheeks flushed, his body nearly vibrating with excitement. When we step into the room, the droll man giving us the typical spiel, I don’t even listen. How can I when Jude is next to me sucking up all my attention? I can barely breathe, he’s so all-consuming.
“Alright, you ready?” he asks, his blue eyes twinkling.
I just nod as soon as the door opens, not quite sure what to do now that we’re actually in here. I didn’t hear a word of the instructions.
“Okay,” Jude says, his eyes scouring the space. He seems to be taking in everything while I just stand there confused.
“Ah! Found the key!” Jude says a minute later, beaming at me.
I have no idea how he did that, no clue how he managed to find something so completely hidden. But then again, Jude never ceases to amaze me.
So full of goddamn surprises. I just love that about him.
That four-letter word hits me suddenly, leaving me breathless. Fuck. No. That…no. That’s not what this is. It’s not.
Right?
I just stare at Jude as he moves around the room, laser-focused. When he turns and catches me stock-still and panting, he rushes to me and gently touches the sides of my face.
“Are you okay?” Jude asks softly, his concerned gaze now focused on me. “Are you scared of enclosed spaces?”
I shake my head, trying to find words but not succeeding. I don’t know what to say. This is all so unhinged, so fucking wrong and yet it feels so right.
It feels right even though it’s him.
