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And I am. I’m so far into Alec that I’ll never be able to climb fully out. He’s consumed me completely. I’m just living inside of him now. He’s a part of me.
“I want you,” I groan as he bites down on my shoulder, his hips rutting up into mine as we stand naked in his bedroom. “I want you.”
“You can have me,” he replies. “You have me, Jude.”
I shake my head, my fingers digging into his arms. He’s not understanding what I mean. He doesn’t get it. “No, I mean. I want you…” I inhale and then breathe, “…I want you to fuck me. I want you inside me.”
Alec’s lips still against me and his eyes meet mine. My heart is pounding out of my chest, so fucking nervous. Doing this isdefinitelygay. I’m the gayest gay on the planet.
“Are you sure?” Alec asks softly, his lips parted in surprise.
I wet my mouth and feel nerves reach a crescendo within me. I start to shake slightly, my entire body rumbling with need. I’ve thought about nothing else all day—for the past few days, if I’m being honest. I want to feel him inside of me, stretching me open, filling me. I want to solidify my newfound sexuality with this. With him.
“Yes, I want you to fuck me. Fuck my ass,” I repeat, feeling my cheeks heat even further. God, this is embarrassing, and yet I need it. I fuckingneedit.
Alec’s eyes grow hooded and he pulls me even closer to him, grinding up against me. I can feel his dick positively throbbing against me as if it’s trying to push its way into me. That’s a good sign. That means he wants to do this, that he wants me.
“Baby,” he says softly, his hand coming up to caress my cheek. “I don’t…are you sure you’re ready?”
I bite down on his thumb as it trails over my bottom lip, my entire body tingling with the need to be stuffed full.
“I am. I’m so ready.”
If it was anyone else, I don’t think I’d be uttering this, but it’s Alec. He’s made me feel safe, he’s opened up a whole new world to me. If I can do this, I can do this with him.
“I don’t know, baby. I think…” He swallows, looking almost guilty. “I think maybe it’s too soon. I don’t want you to feel too rushed, like you need to give this to me right away. This is a big deal and it’s okay to think on it.”
I gaze at him and feel my heart drop and speed up at the same time. Maybe he doesn’t want to do this with me, or maybe he’s just looking out for me. I can’t tell. All I know is that I want it. I want this. With him, only him.
“I don’t feel rushed. I promise. This is what I want.”
“Jude,” he says softly, hesitating. “I think you need to really think about it some more.”
I hate that he’s not sure, that maybe this isn’t what he wants. Maybe my ass isn’t appealing. Maybe it just plain sucks. Hehasbeen up close and personal with it. Maybe he’s repulsed at sticking his dick up there.
Oh my god. Maybe that’s it.
“Oh yeah, okay, I mean, I don’t want to force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Alec looks suddenly stricken. “It’s not that. I’m…fuck, Jude. Idowant to be in your ass. I’ve thought of nothing else. I just don’t want you to rush into this. It’s a lot.”
I feel my spirits sink, and I nod, my eyes starting to sting. I’ve been rejected and it hurts.
“Hey, hey, don’t…shit…please don’t be upset, Jude,” Alec says, his hands cupping my cheeks. “It’s not that I don’t want it. I just want…I think we need to…” His words trail off and he rests his forehead on my shoulder, breathing deeply. Something is bothering him, but he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong, won’t admit to what he’s thinking. Instead, he just turns his head and presses a kiss to my throbbing pulse.
“Let me make you feel good, baby. Let me make you feel…” He lets out a shaky breath and captures my lips against his, sliding his tongue into my mouth and licking every corner of it, making me lose the ability to breathe.
I want to discuss this, want to assure him that I’m fine, but then he’s sinking to his knees and sucking my cock, making me lose my train of thought. I come with a strangled cry, my hands buried in his hair, and I watch as he releases across the floor, his face nestled in my groin as he struggles to find his breath. And then he stands and pulls me into bed, holding me tightly, but the rejection bubbles up, and I realize that it’s still there.
I can feel it. It’s seeping through my skin, infiltrating my bones, making me start to crack. I can’t escape it.
He doesn’t want me. All of me.
He’s not sure about this, about us.
It’s a frequent chant through the next few days, just a negative stream of consciousness running through my mind.
Alec can feel it too. He tries to reassure me, but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. I force a smile on my face, but for some reason, I can’t quite fake it. Even Hayden calls me out, asking why I look so sick, worrying that I’m gonna give the kids whatever I have.
