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He parks outside of my apartment and I reach for the door handle.
“Lena, let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. It hurts too much to love you, so I’m giving up. I’ll find someone else.”
With that, I open the passenger door and hurry over to the door. I don’t look back as I climb up the stairs and let myself into the apartment. I don’t cry as I fall into bed. I’m too tired from today to do anything but fall asleep.
FOUR
Beau
I should have followedLena up to her place last night. Instead, I just let her go like an idiot. I ended up going home and staring at my bedroom ceiling all night thinking about how I just ruined everything between the two of us.
I was also panicking at the thought of Lena moving on with someone else. That’s always been my biggest fear. That I would have to watch her with someone else. Now I’ve pushed her to do just that.
I can’t let that happen. I mean, I flipped out and went down to Murphy’s Bar all because I heard she was there. I had tried to tell myself that I was just trying to look after Charlie’s sister, but that’s not true. I needed to make sure that Lena was safe and that there weren’t any other guys hitting on him.
Now with everything that’s happened, I’m at a loss for what to do. I can’t let her be with someone else but can’t be with her without ruining my relationship with Charlie. So, do I keep trying to push her away, or do I give my feelings?
I finally push out of my office chair and get ready to leave. I’ve been sitting in here, hiding, and trying to figure out how to fix things with Lena. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to figure this out soon because it’s going to drive me crazy. How can I face Charlie when all I can think about is Lena and how badly I want to be with her?
I’ve spent all day trying to avoid Charlie. It was easier than I expected since he was out running errands for most of the day. Deep in my gut, I know this is a turning point for me. I’ve been fighting my feelings for Lena for over half my life, and I’m tired. Deep down, I always knew that one day I would have to choose. Charlie means a lot to me, but Lena means more.
I lock up the office building and head out to my car. I find myself heading towards her apartment. When I pull up out front, she’s just coming down the stairs. I hurry to park and I hop out and jog over to her. She’s dressed up, and I wonder where she’s headed to. I wave when we lock eyes, and she winces when she sees me coming her way.
“Lena,” I say, coming to a stop next to her.
“Hi,” she says, her tone flat and unenthusiastic.
“Can we talk for a minute?”
“I’m running late.”
“Please,” I beg her, and she sighs.
“Fine.”
She leans against her car, and I take a step closer to her.
“I’m sorry for yesterday. For everything that I said yesterday. I didn’t mean it.”
She stares at me, and I clear my throat and go on.
“The truth is that I love you, Lena. I have since I was thirteen. You were my first crush and it’s never gone away.”
“What?” She croaks out, and I take another small step towards her.
“I love you, Lena.”
A few kids walk by us on the sidewalk and I wish this was happening somewhere more private.
“Can we go up to your place and talk?”
“Kerry isn’t feeling well. She fell asleep on the couch.”
“Come to my place then?” I ask, almost desperately.
Okay, totally desperately.
