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It’s cold here. Lacking. He doesn’t have connections or people to hang out with, someone to invite over so his house doesn’t feel so empty. He tried Steven and Fredrich, but they’re on holiday up north. He’s missed Matteo. He’s missed his sisters like he missed Sydney. He’s missed their teasing and stealing his food and elbowing into his life. How they can cut through his bullshit excuses to the fears he’d rather hide away.
‘You’re partly right.’ He keeps his head dropped. It’s easier to talk when he’s not seeing their expressions. Still feels like he’s pulling parts of his insides out. ‘It was only meant to be at the conference anyway, but I ended it early because I freaked out. Shit had happened and I saw too many parallels with my relationship with Braden. I saw my career tanking because I’d fallen for the wrong woman, so I ended things. Brutally.’
‘Cameron.’ Carrie’s harsh tone has his head snapping up to look at her. ‘What did I tell you right from the start. She’s not Braden.’
Carrie’s anger is alive in the air between them and he holds her stare, facing her judgement because he knows in his gut, his heart, it’s warranted.
‘God, we thought you’d gotten over this.’ Carrie fists her hands onto her waist. ‘This seeing Braden in everyone you interact with. You just told us you got closure.’
Cameron swallows roughly. ‘I have. I do. But that was after all the Jules stuff. The damage was done. I’d lied to Jules and diminished her and what we had because I was trying to push her away to protect myself. I hurt her.’
His hands go clammy recalling their fight. Fuck, it feels like he’s taken a baseball bat to his chest for every shit thing he spat at Jules the other day. His disgust with himself runs deep as the Mariana trench. The clamminess spreading to his neck, chest, the dip of his back.
‘Have you explained any of this to her?’ Carrie asks.
‘No.’
‘Apologised?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m fucking scared!’ His voice cracks but Carrie doesn’t back off.
‘Of what?’
‘Take your pick.’ Cameron throws his arms out. ‘Rejection. Falling back into being distrustful of her intentions. Hurting her again. Feeling like this.’
‘Like what?’
He groans, the sound torn from his soul. ‘Like my insides are grinding together, constantly. Like my lungs are filled with sand. This sucks.’ He slaps his palm onto his chest and his heart batters against his ribcage below it. ‘This sucks and we were together for less than five days. What’s going to happen to me if it doesn’t work out?’
The words hang in the kitchen, no one speaking while they float there like a storm cloud. He hears the words ring in his head and they sound like more excuses.
Excuses to run.
Cameron’s chest rises and falls sharply beneath his palm. Carrie’s still staring at him with an inscrutable gaze while his heart attempts to fracture his ribcage it’s beating so hard and fast.
Chloe slides off the counter, the sound of her feet hitting the floor loud in the stillness. She focuses her attention on Cameron and tilts her head. ‘What happens if it does work out? Do you want long-term with Jules? Forget about all the other factors and answer that.’
‘I do.’ It’s what he’s been dreaming about all week.
Chloe smiles, nodding slowly. ‘It’s not too late to fix this, then. You’ve just got to let your walls down. All the way, not a little bit. All the way.’
‘What does that mean?’ Cameron lets his hand fall to his side. He doesn’t mean to sound so desperate, but that yearning part of him swells, injected with new hope.
‘It means you’ve got to be honest with her, not just about what happened at the conference, but everything before that too. Your no-dating a colleague thing, and the Braden stuff, and why you agreed to the fling in the first place,’ Chloe lists, Carrie nodding along. ‘At the very least, you gotta make her understand she shouldn’t feel guilty about the fling.’
‘She knows about the Braden stuff already.’
‘All of it?’ Carrie asks.
He shrugs. ‘Most of it.’
‘Then tell her the rest. Start there.’
‘Matteo already did. It’s why—’ Cameron snaps his jaw shut.
