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Grabbing some tissues off the desk, I try to clean up the mess. I am failing brutally at aunting today. I have a precious little one here, and all I can think about is Liam and his frustrating presence. His frustratingly gorgeous presence. Damn it, Paige, focus!
"I know, I know, sorry, sweetheart."
"It's okay."
I am not in a good headspace right now. I can't even pay attention to poor Maddie. Finally, the water is cleaned up, and Pengy is mostly dry. Maybe I should reach out to Darlene and see if she can take over for me. It's not fair to Maddie to have a distracted babysitter. I need some space; I need to breathe for a minute. Picking up my phone, I dial her number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Darlene; this is Paige, Quinn's friend."
"Oh, hello dear. How are you? Is everything ok?" She is such a genuinely kind person. Just her voice makes me relax and feel like I'm in a safe space, and before I know it, I'm spilling my guts to a woman I barely know.
"Well, no, not really. But before you get freaked out, Maddie is perfectly fine, and Quinn and Eli are still in the meeting. I'm just kind of losing my mind a bit. Someone from my past apparently lives here, and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. I really hate to ask, but I was hoping you would be free to take over babysitting duty for Maddie while Quinn and Eli are in the meeting."
"Oh my, dear, of course I can. I will be right over. Are you at the pack house?"
"Yes, in Eli's office. Thank you so much, Darlene."
"Of course."
It didn't take too long for Darlene to show up; lucky for me, I was able to prevent any more spills. So, you know, not necessarily nailing this babysitting thing, but coping. That's all I got. Darlene walks right into the office and over to me, enveloping me in a tight hug. Being a mother comes so naturally to this woman, and the warmth of her hug impacts me in a way that nearly makes me cry. I haven't had a real mother, ever; my mother ignored me for most of my life if I was lucky, and if I was unlucky, made me feel bad for being alive. Ironic, seeing as I didn't have a choice in that to begin with.
"Thank you," I whisper.
"Of course, dear. Now you go for a run or whatever you need. Do you want my vehicle? Maybe take a drive?" She starts digging around in her purse, but I quickly tell her that's not necessary.
"I'm going to go for a run. It's been a while since I let my wolf out."
"No problem. I will let Quinn know where you went. Everything is covered here. You take care of yourself."
"Thank you," I can't help but say again, because it's important to tell people showing you kindness that you acknowledge the effort they are putting in.
I head out back, taking in deep breaths of fresh and cold air. It clears the fuzziness that has settled in my brain. I make my way toward the tree line, hoping to find an area with fewer people around to avoid unwanted attention. While shifters may be comfortable with their naked form, I prefer to undress in privacy. Finding a bush to hide behind, I quickly get out of my clothes and shift into my wolf form. It comes naturally to me, even though I haven't shifted much lately. Before I forget, I grab my clothes and run fast into the forest. As I move through the woods, trees and branches pass by me as my paws hit the ground. The smell of the woods isn't as full as it is during the warmer months, but you can still smell the dirt and rotting leaves, which is a comfort.
The burn in my muscles feels good and helps to clear my head. Running like this reminds me of the stark differences between my wolf and the vast majority of the shifter community. My wolf is smaller and rounder than normal shifters; it's one of the reasons I don't like shifting in front of others. My entire childhood, people pointed out how ugly I was and said that my wolf must be defective. It has taken me a long time to accept my human and wolf forms despite being cast out by others because of my appearance and personality. Mind you, that took a shit ton of therapy money to help work through, but I don't regret it. I refuse to let others' opinions define me, even though, apparently, one encounter with an old packmate is enough to throw me back to my old life. I often ran and hid from my bullies, and that same feeling has surfaced, which is really frustrating since I have worked so hard to become a more confident person.
Time seems to slip away as I get lost in the feeling of the run and nature, but I eventually find a little stream deep in the woods. My wolf drinks water from it before I shift back and put my clothes on.
It's peaceful in the woods. The animals that scurry around looking for food in the winter and the few birds that are still left around flap from tree to tree. When I was younger, I would hide for hours in the woods from my old packmates; I learned early on that the best and safest company was my own.
Finding a rock to sit on, I take in the tranquility the woods has to offer and listen to the wildlife around me; winter in the woods isn't a flurry of activity like in the spring, but I think that's what I need right now, anyways. The stream runs consistently, giving that background noise that helps me zone out.
Liam hasn't changed a bit—well, maybe that's not entirely true. I think he has more muscles, and he looks good. Like really good, which really pisses me off. He has let his hair grow out on top, which makes him look far more handsome than he should be allowed to look. His right arm is covered in tattoos, which I shouldn't like, but I really do. I wonder what made him decide to do that. But his hazel eyes are the same. The same eyes I fell head over heels for as a child. Why couldn't he have gotten ugly? Why does he have to look so damn good? I feel a tug at my heart, and I can't help but grieve the boy I used to know.
I know the pack wasn't easy on anyone. You were expected to work hard at getting physically stronger to be more important in the pack, but more than that, everyone was encouraged to ostracize the weak in the hopes that it would make them want to work harder and be better in the pack. Of course, that doesn't take into account the fact that sometimes we are born the way we are, and I will never be able to be as strong as another. Instead of encouraging healthy behavior, the Alpha encouraged verbal and physical abuse. It was a terrible system. Even the weakest among us still found someone weaker and made their life hell in a vicious cycle that never ended. I was at the very bottom of that pyramid.
Mom often told me I brought shame on the family; I was too fat to ever be able to marry one of the stronger shifters and elevate the status of our family. Not to mention, I was too loud and spoke my mind too freely, apparently not a desirable characteristic in a mate. The failure was solely on my shoulders. Even when I came home with a bloody nose or some other injury, she wouldn't look at me with sympathy or come to try and clean it up. She looked at me like I was pathetic and not worth her time. And maybe I wasn't back then, but I sure as hell figured out I didn't need to feel worthless because I talked a lot and had curves.
Liam wasn't always like everyone else in the pack. He was kind of a loner like me growing up, which is one of the things we bonded over, but it didn't stay that way. One day, when I was twelve and he was thirteen, he disappeared for a week. When he came back he wasn't the same boy I had spent the last two years spending time with. I grieved him; I grieved the time we had together, and my crush disappeared the first time he joined the crowd and started to make fun of me.
I'm not sure how much time passed, but eventually, Quinn found me and came to sit beside me.
"Hey, you. Couldn't you have found somewhere closer to escape to? Man, that was one heck of a hike. How are you doing?"
I chuckle a little while I lean my head on her shoulder and watch the water flow down the stream. Maybe it will have some answers for me.
"I don't know. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I am so utterly exhausted that I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep, but on the other, I want to stand up and prove I'm not who I used to be and won't be beaten down again."
