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She traces a couple of the bruises with her fingers, making my stomach tense at her touch. If she's not careful, we will have an entirely different problem on our hands instead of bruising. I place my hand on top of hers, and she finally lifts her eyes to mine. Emotion rages in my chest as the bond pulls tight. She is so close to me, and I desperately desire to hold her, but I know I need to talk to her first to make things right. So I tell her the words I have dreamed of telling her; here's hoping she won't kick me out after this.
"Paige, I am so sorry. For everything."
Chapter 14 - Paige
After everyone left, I was afraid it was going to be awkward, but it isn't; it's charged. I can't believe he didn't fight back; what was he thinking? He barely defended himself. Why does his showing up for me make me feel so good? I feel like he wants me to know that our bond is deeper than our mate bond, and that this isn't some supernatural pull but a deep connection we have always had. As I am assessing his bruises, I watch as his muscles pull and tense; he is a work of damn art, a chiseled body I would never have expected from the nerdy boy I fell in love with all those years ago. As I'm tracing a bruise, Liam lays his hand on top of mine, bringing my attention from his gorgeous form to his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Paige. For everything."
His words hit me hard. It's like a damn of emotion has finally opened up after being held back for years. I feel so vindicated to hear him say sorry at last, but I also feel sad for the hurt it once caused me. Tears spring to my eyes. The ability to control it is gone. I scoot back just a bit and try to wipe away the tears. He sounds so genuine when he says it.
Liam quickly closes the gap and pulls me into his arms. I wrap my arms around him like I did the night before and hold him tightly. He says sorry over and over again. He kisses the top of my head as I bury my face in his neck. It's like I can actually feel the guilt and pain he has been carrying for all these years, and it breaks my heart.
After gaining some semblance of control, Liam pulls back and cups my face, wiping away the tears that have fallen with his thumbs.
"What I did to you was wrong, Paige, and I am so sorry. I should never have said the things I said to you, joined in with the rest of the pack to ridicule and demean you. I have lived with the guilt for years, knowing that I have caused you so much pain. I know you might not be able to forgive me, but I need you to know that I am really sorry, and I regret ever being a part of it. I regret not standing up against everyone and standing with you." His voice wavers as he pours out his heart. The muscles in my throat are getting sore from trying to hold back my tears. He really means it. Placing my hands on top of his, which are still holding my face, I pull them down to my lap squeezing his hands in reassurance.
"I forgive you, Liam; I forgave you a long time ago. Now, don't get this confused: me forgiving you and forgiving the pack wasn't about taking the weight off everyone else, it was to take the weight off of me. I didn't want to hold onto resentment and bitterness, I wanted a good life. My therapist helped me see that forgiving doesn't mean accepting people who hurt me in my life, but rather it helps me feel free enough to have a happy life." Liam looks defeated at my words, but I'm not trying to make it harder for him; I'm just being honest.
"I hope I can prove to you one day that I have changed and want to be a part of your life. These past couple of weeks talking to you have been some of the happiest in a long time. But I will understand if you don't want to pursue this connection."
I can't help but smile at that. "It has been really special for me too. I think…I think I want to explore this connection with you."
He smiles back. We are still holding hands when I finally get up enough nerve to ask the question I have been wondering for years.
"Liam, can I ask you something?"
"Of course. Anything."
"What happened all those years ago? Why did everything change? I have racked my brain for years trying to figure out what I did."
"No, Paige, you didn't do anything! Nothing at all. You were perfect; you still are."
"Then what happened?" Liam looks away for a long moment; I'm starting to think he isn't going to tell me when he takes a deep breath and completely shatters my world and my heart.
"I had only been at school for a week when everything changed. One day, I went home after school, and Dad was in the living room waiting for me. You knew Dad and I didn't get along all that well. He didn't like my interest in academia. I think he tolerated it because he genuinely loved my mother, and after she died, I think he let me indulge in it to honor her passing, but his annoyance increased the closer I got to thirteen when I was supposed to get my wolf. I knew something had changed the moment I walked into the house. He was sitting in his chair, hands folded, staring me down. He told me to come and sit down, so I dropped my backpack and sat down. What he said next threw me; I thought he was joking at first, but I was wrong, very wrong." Liam pushes his hand through his hair; this is obviously hard to talk about. I rub his leg to try and comfort him.
"He said that it was time to be a man. That my wolf would be coming in soon, and I had to start acting like a proper member of the pack. To rise in the ranks. I never wanted to do that, you know that, but I never thought Dad would force me to do it." He looks back at me, and I can see the pain on his face.
"He said I had to stop acting like a child and face the hardness of the world. Weak wolves bring no value; only strong wolves do, and he was going to make me strong whether I liked it or not. He took me out back and showed me all my books and magazines piled in the fire pit. He made me light them on fire and told me I was going to spend my time training and not filling my head with nonsense. I was devastated; I went along with all of this mostly because I was in shock. I knew he was a hard bastard, but he never forced me to get rid of the things I loved. But what he told me next is what broke me. He told me I couldn't spend time with you anymore. He said that you weren't going to help me rise in the ranks, and surrounding myself with weak wolves was only going to bring me down."
A knot forms in my stomach. It's not like I haven't heard this before, but it still hurts to hear it.
"I didn't want to do it. For the first time that night, I fought back. I told him I wasn't going to do it. I said you were my friend. He told me I was being childish and needed to leave those childish notions in the past. I said I wouldn't, that you meant too much to me. I told him…I told him I loved you." My heart is beating hard now; he loved me?
"That is what ultimately broke his control. He told me wolves ruled by their emotions are weak, and if I couldn't see that, he would show me. He spent the next couple of hours beating me. Proving that he was stronger, and that in order to be a better wolf, I was going to get stronger forcibly. I hadn't got my wolf yet, so it took a while for me to heal from it. I was barely able to walk the next couple of days, and all Dad did was toss some food and water at me and say next time, he wouldn't go so easy on me." He scoffs and shakes his head.
"That's why you were gone for a week—because you were healing."
He nods his head. He took a beating to stay my friend. Guilt rises to the surface; I had always thought he did it to fit into the pack.
"By the time I was healed enough to go back to school, Dad warned that if he heard I had spent any more time with you, he would beat me harder next time. I didn't want to hurt you; it killed me to stay away, but I was young, and I was scared, so I tried to avoid you. Eventually, avoiding you wasn't enough, and Dad wanted me to join in on bullying you; he told me to hang around with Mic, the sick bastard. After school, he would 'train' me, and if I didn't meet his standards, he would beat me until I did. I felt sick to my stomach, participating in the pack culture, but I didn't know how to fight back; I thought maybe one day, when I was strong enough, I could fight back and win. But you know the culture we lived in. Fighting Dad was only one battle; I knew I couldn't take on the entire pack. But I'm sorry, Paige. I am so sorry I didn't try harder to protect you."
I'm crying again, not because of old wounds, but because of the wounds inflicted on Liam. I had no idea he had gone through so much. I don't know why I never considered he might have experienced his own hell in the pack, but it makes more sense now.
"I'm so sorry, Liam." He scoots closer to me and kisses the tops of my hands.
"There is no need to apologize. It wasn't your fault. I have many regrets in my life, but what I did to you is my greatest regret."
