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If Maddy’s issue was “look on the brighter side,” his was “the grass being greener” somewhere else, taking away from the only place where he could actually make a difference—the present moment. He could squander this time with her, or he could embrace everything.
It was true he’d told her about his childhood and some of the things he liked, but he was guilty of not giving her his true self, the part he kept hidden deep down. That broken, achingly lonely little boy who had searched so hard for love, affection, care, and attention. When he thought he’d found it, it had been snatched away from him, leaving him as alone and bereft as he’d been before.
He was aware that Maddy wasn’t an angel by any comparison. She was unpredictable, brazen, a true wildcard. But the way she responded to him. The way she melted at his touch, the tenderness in her gaze, her soft touches, and how hard she was trying to be the kind of person who took the kinds of chances he was resistant to taking.
After that incident at the palace, it drove home to him how much she meant to him. And, in addition to scaring the hell out of him, the sheer pain from the loss of her decimated him. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to withstand that, not sure what she had in mind for the future, and her past relationships haunted him as she struggled to change and embrace life as hard as he was trying to avoid it.
She didn’t deserve that. She needed someone who faced his own reality like she was working to face hers. In his mind, what was the point of acknowledging all the good things in the world when there was so much bad? In his line of work, he’d seen a lot of bad, grew up with an inconsistent foundation, and shuttled off to group homes with well-meaning caregivers who were stretched too thin.
But it suddenly occurred to him that the Navy had given him discipline, purpose, and the kind of attention he hadn’t received before. All the people he’d worked with, including his BUD/S instructors, had wanted him to succeed. Become that man in the black wetsuit and fins, that guy leaping into the air from thirty thousand feet, that relentless, steely-eyed warrior doing what had to be done against impossible odds for his country, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. He swallowed hard. That was him. He was doing all that shit and doing it well.
Like Maddy who used her blind spots to stay happy, he used his to remain unhappy. He’d resisted looking inward at the good things he possessed because he got comfortable with disappointment and discontent. He didn’t want to risk feeling better for fear that he would be abandoned again or fail in some way. But all this negativity blocked his growth, got him into hot water with his CO, and made it impossible for him to see who he truly was.
Maybe, just goddamned maybe, he should cut himself some fucking slack, give himself a moment to marvel at who he really was here. He was someone who had come through adversity scarred but better for the experiences. His teammates didn’t care about his past or what path led him to become a SEAL. They respected him, knew they could depend on him, and cared about him like a brother.
He was the one that couldn’t let the past go. He was the one who never felt strong enough, fast enough, smart enough—felt that he wasn’t good enough. All it did was allow his thoughts and feelings to reinforce a false belief and stop him from owning who he really was.
But that wasn’t his sticking point with Maddy. It wasn’t if he measured up to his teammates or if he deserved to be a Navy SEAL. His fundamental problem was the pain and grief he suffered, which reminded him of the loss of connection he experienced early in his life. Embracing his relationship with Maddy almost felt like he was setting himself up for a fall. Shark wasn’t scared of much but being happy created the possibility of being surprised by abandonment, and he’d promised himself long ago that he’d never let that happen again. The next step after caring about someone was needing them in your life. That was his kryptonite. Could he really put himself in that position again?
Yeah, he still had issues to work out, and that was why he’d really distanced himself from her. He wasn’t sure if he could overcome these issues and be worthy of Maddy’s affection in the long run.
Suddenly, the stars brightened, and he realized that the lights of Port-au-Prince were gone, the city blacked out. His buddies were doing their thing right now. Then there was a weird jolt, then a sustained shaking for several seconds. Had that been…an earthquake?
He was sure this was an everyday occurrence for the people of Haiti. But he had to wonder if, as Maddy said, her forecast for Haiti included another major earthquake for this poor, politically shaky, violent country. Maddy stirred beside him, and Shark glanced at her and rubbed his hand up her arm. Tightening his arm around her, he watched her for a moment, then stared back at the star-bright sky, trying not to think at all. He felt as if everything was closing in on him, but also felt he’d had some kind of a breakthrough regarding the reason why he reacted the way he did.
There was a second brief shaking, and she stirred again, murmuring his name. Shark glanced down at her, realizing she was caught in that half-conscious state between sleeping and coming awake.
“Could you stop moving the bed?”
He looked down at her, a small twist of a smile working loose. He would have been happy to grant her request if he’d been moving the bed. Tenderness worked through him as he watched her come awake. Glancing back out the window told him Tex and the boys were done with the mission. Lights were back on in Port-au-Prince.
That meant his teammates would be back at the residence soon, and he didn’t want to be in bed with Maddy when they arrived. There was going to be a pow-wow, and he wanted to be a part of it. Whatever they discovered would have ramifications for their mission here, the safety of the ambassador and his family, and the fate of the US’s presence in Haiti. After Benghazi and Niamey, the State Department was leaning more toward the side of caution. He would have been concerned for the family under natural circumstances, but with his involvement with Maddy, the quicker she was safely off this island, the better he would feel.
Wishing there was an easy way to do this, he exhaled heavily and gave her a little shake. “Babe? I’m getting up. Tex and the guys will be back shortly.”
“More shaking,” she grumbled.
He probably would have smiled if he hadn’t been so tied up in knots inside, and the sweet feeling of her against him stirred his blood. Aware that he was heading back onto dangerous ground, he made himself disconnect.
To his dismay, she made an unhappy sound and snuggled closer to him. “I like you naked.” She released a soft breath. “My naked commando.”
Damn, she was a piece of work. He chuckled at her sated, half-asleep mumblings, even with the sharp, clenching pain in his chest. He caught her head and nestled her tightly against him, trying not to think, trying to come to grips with his own issues even as she tried to put her past to rest.
“Did you feel that shaking?” he asked her, amusement in his voice.
“Sure…small earthquakes have been happening since we arrived. These were just a bit stronger…maybe 2.5 on the Richter. Typical.”
It took a while, but he finally felt her stir, and he eased his hold on her. When he withdrew, she exhaled unevenly and looked up at him, the dim light revealing the grumpiness in her expression. He smiled, his voice husky when he said, “Someone’s not happy. You could go back to sleep if you wanted to. I’m used to being up all hours of the day and night.”
He half expected her to settle back down, but she blinked several times and turned her face against his neck, and he felt her take a deep breath. He sensed again how vulnerable she was, and he gave her a light squeeze. “No, I’m nosier than I am tired. I’ll go with you. After all, it was me who got the ball rolling on this mission.”
“Correct, and no flimsy garment,” he said, waving at the pool of white on the floor near the bed.
“Deal. That’s reserved for you, babe,” she said with a smile, but he could see how her hands shook as she pulled on her underwear and then her shorts. She bypassed a bra and shrugged into a pink clinging T-shirt that outlined her beautiful breasts and looked fantastic against her tanned skin. She was so irresistible, and once he had his own T-shirt, briefs, and shorts on, he tucked her hair behind her ear.
Trying to stay detached from the emotions rolling inside him, he gave into the urge to hold her one more time and folded her up in a hard hug. Resting his chin on the top of her head, he rubbed her back, waiting for the tension in her to ease. No matter what, he didn’t want her to think he was unaffected by her. He wasn’t going to figure it out right now, but something had happened between them from the moment they met, leaving him on shaky ground. As if everything he thought about himself had been so out of whack, making him feel as if he didn’t know which end was up. Part of him liked that topsy-turvy sensation and the effort it would take to right himself in the end. Part of him was floundering, and he really hated flailing.
One thing was for sure, though. Whatever did happen would be profound.
