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A new crowd of tears charged up Gia’s throat. “I’m sorry, Mamma. I know it’s such an expensive thing, that house. I know it took so much work. I’m sorry I didn’t just totally love it right away. I feel like such an asshole for that.”
“You’re not an asshole. We shouldn’t have made something so significant a surprise. That’s on us.” She tipped Gia’s chin up a little and smiled. “Okay? We’re good?”
Gia nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too, cara. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough few days, feeling like that and afraid to talk about it.”
As usual, something deep in Gia’s genetic code reacted to the idea that she was afraid, but that was reflex. She hated to be afraid, but what else had she been? She hadn’t wanted to come off as an asshole, so she’d been afraid to be straight with her family.
I don’t think you can tell them, Zaxx had said, reinforcing her own worry. What a dope she’d been for letting an asshole make her feel even more like an asshole.
“I love you, Mamma.”
Her mom’s smile broke wide. “And I love you. You want to wash up again and get back to dinner?”
Gia took a breath deeper than any she’d taken since she’d left Evanston. “Yeah, let’s do it.”
Chapter Fifteen
As far as Zaxx was concerned, Missouri summers were a misery. The high temperatures were normally in the upper eighties or the nineties, and about week’s worth of days topped three digits. That alone wouldn’t be so bad, maybe—people talked about dry heat being bearable—but Missouri’s heat was wet as the Mississippi River. The humidity was relentless, almost never below about eighty percent, so hot air hit you in the face the second you opened the door, like the sour breath of a drunken god, and lay on the skin like that god’s sodden shroud.
Nights were little better. The temperature dipped with the sun, sure, but the humidity stuck around. If anything, it got heavier. But nights, at least, brought the best sounds of summer, a full symphony of natural music: crickets and cicadas, whippoorwills and loons, frogs and toads.
And then there were lightning bugs. Zaxx loved to sit in the yard on a summer evening, drinking a beer, listening to the night creatures, and watching Doofus chase the mysterious dots of light in the air.
Lately, that was pretty much all he loved.
The past couple months, his head was on crooked. Nothing in his life was different—family, club, work—but he was restless and dissatisfied with all of it. Every defining element of his life was like summer humidity, weighing him down, making him feel trapped and miserable.
It was Gia. Nothing in his life was different because Gia wasn’t in it. For a brief, breathtaking moment, he’d almost had hold of something wonderful with her, he knew it. That night, something real and true and even deep had sparked between them. He’d never known anything like it with a woman before, and he knew it could have been life-changing for them both.
But that was the problem, wasn’t it? A life-changing relationship with Gia could be nothing but excellent for him. Everything about her was an improvement to his life. But, as her mother so bluntly made clear, Zaxx could only change Gia’s life for the worse. Loving him would hold her back, pin her down, break her dreams.
He shouldn’t have bailed on her the way he had; he knew what an asshole move that was. But he’d had no idea what to say to her. At first, he’d only been putting off that talk until he had the words for it. But the words had never come. Eventually, the time for them had passed, and he’d never reached out.
Now Gia treated him like a pariah, making a U-turn any time she had the misfortune to see him.
So here he was, alone and going nowhere as ever, nothing different in his life. But that same life that was good enough two months ago was now a sodden shroud weighing him down.
On this Friday night at the end of June, Zaxx turned into his little trailer park after a painfully long overtime shift. They were up against a deadline at the job site and running four hours of OT on every shift to get it done, doing the last couple of hours under the blinding glare of work lights. He was dirty, sticky with old sweat, exhausted, and in a filthy mood. The other guys had headed straight to the clubhouse to party away their weariness, but Zaxx needed to be alone. All he wanted was the leftover roasted chicken in his fridge, a couple of cold Stellas, and a quiet night watching his dog be a happy idiot.
When he rolled around the bend and caught sight of his own trailer, however, he saw a familiar Honda Prelude, once royal blue but oxidized to the color of a cloudy sky, parked behind his pickup.
Zelda.
On a Friday night past eight o’clock, Zaxx could think of no innocent, easy reason for his sister to show up unannounced—he checked his phone after he parked, and she had not texted or tried to call.
Since the fuckery with Bill Danvers, things with Zelda had been pretty calm. Danvers had done as he’d said, getting her clear of the charges, and he hadn’t caused any further problems for her, for Zaxx, or for the Horde. Dom kept tabs enough to know that Danvers had been on medical leave for more than a month and was still on limited duty, but the story Danvers had told about his mess of a hand was as they’d instructed: home-improvement mishap.
Zelda had finished her exams and more or less minded her beeswax since, working her job at the university library, going to derby practices and games, hanging out with friends, bumming cash off Zaxx, but not causing any major drama. He’d even been thinking that maybe this latest incident had been a big enough deal to calm her down some.
He cut his engine and sat astride his bike for a minute or two, gathering the frayed bits of his patience. Zelda’s habitual clashes with the world were really his fault, after all; he’d done most of her raising. He’d been a kid himself, but still. He should have done better. Mom and Pop sure hadn’t been able to do any better.
As he strolled up his little walk of round paving stones to his porch, he frowned. Usually Doof was going crazy inside, dancing at the door, waiting for him to come through. But the only sound coming from his trailer was the hum of the air conditioner.
He opened the door, sighing at the pleasing blast of cool air on his boiling face, and girded himself for an enthusiastic canine greeting—but Doofus wasn’t at the door.
Now feeling real worry, Zaxx went all the way in and closed the door.
