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“No, Baby. The best place for you to be right now is back at the apartment, and we don’t want to be anywhere near all of that. They have it under control.”
Harper scrunches up her nose and sniffles. Shit, she has no idea how beautiful she really is. I have to stop myself from pulling her into the backseat and sinking into soft and slow. Not being able to help myself entirely, I give the tip of her nose a quick kiss.
“Alright,” she says, “let’s go home.”
Home.
40
Finn
It took Mac and I all of two hours to dismember three bodies, dispose of them and get rid of any trace that we were ever here. There are no camera’s anywhere down here so only some good old fashion cleaning was necessary. Which I didn’t mind. It allowed me to get lost in my thoughts for a while.
Mac’s over by the warehouse, burning the rags we used to clean up everything in a barrel. I walk back up the dock towards the bench where I left my jacket. Sitting down on it, I drop my head into my hands. I can feel myself spiraling. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like nothing but a burden. Just the orphan child that someone took in because they felt like they had to. The traumatized child that lost his parents to a monster. The tagalong. The extra kid that nobody ever looked at twice. Poor, lonely Finn. It’s why I’ve always tried so hard to be perfect. If I was who Liam wanted me to be, if I did exactly as he asked, If I cleaned up the messes that other people made, I would be indispensable. I would matter. It’s why I’ve always fought so hard to control myself. If my emotions got in the way, I’d get sloppy. I couldn’t afford sloppy.
Then Harper came along.
Ever since I saw her that day in the bookstore, the thundering voices in my ear, screaming at me to always be perfect, were drowned out by her sweet voice, her smell, her gorgeous green eyes. They were still there but ringing at a low hum, barely noticeable unless I focused on them. Now they’re back, and I feel myself losing control. That one sentence from the man I idolized for years repeatedly rings through my head.
I saw a tool to be used, nothing more.
I tug at my hair in my hands, trying to recenter myself. Nothing. I roll my sleeves down, attach the buttons at the cuffs, throw my jacket back on and wipe off the scuff of dirt on my knee. Still nothing. Closing my eyes, I imagine the feel of Harper’s hand on my face, running her thumb across my cheekbone, staring at me as I try to count the freckles on her cheeks, but it’s not enough. Fucking nothing.
I can feel the panic clawing at my chest as I drop my hands back into my face. The voices in my head drowning out everything else as they get louder and louder.
You’re just the extra.
You have no one that loves you.
You’re weak.
You could disappear, and nobody would fucking care.
You’re nothing but a burden.
I don’t hear him walk up to me, but I feel his hand on my back as he silently sits beside me on the bench. “Talk to me, brother.”
“I’m not your brother,” I mumble into my hands.
“Yes, you are, Finn. Just because we don’t share the same blood doesn’t make you any less of a brother to me than Ronan. Hell, I usually like you better than him anyway.” I know Mac’s joking, trying to diffuse the tension. Any other time I might offer him a smile, but not today.
Dropping my hands from my face, I continue to hang my head. “How are you so okay, and I’m the one sitting here falling apart? He was your dad, for fuck sake.”
“He stopped being my dad years ago. That man has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I haven’t felt anything besides hate for him in a long time. The second I felt his neck snap beneath my hands, I felt like a free man. But I know that’s not how it is for you.” I can feel his eyes boring holes into the side of my face, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I don’t want him to see how weak I am. “He was the man who took you in. He gave you a home when you had nothing. You looked up to him. I didn’t want to take that away from you when you already lost so much.”
I turn my face to look at him now, expecting to find pity. Instead, I see only understanding. “I wish I would have seen who he really was sooner. I wish I could have helped you… Helped Emma. You guys didn’t deserve that, and I was too blind to see it.”
He shakes his head, “Don’t man. We have enough things in our past holding us back, don’t let something he did add to it. What happened between him and I are my demons to fight, not yours.”
Mac moves from the bench and stands in front of me, holding out his hand. I grab it with my opposite hand and let him pull me up. Still firmly gripping my hand, he wraps his other arm around my shoulders, hugging me. I’m a little bit taller than him, but right now, he feels much larger than me. I stand stunned for a split second. We’re not the type of men that hug, but as the seconds tick by, I relax into his embrace. “Listen to me,” he commands in my ear, “You are not a burden, Finn. I know you tried hard to be a perfect man for him, to fit into our family. But you didn’t need to then, and you don’t need to now. We want you here. Not because of what we can get out of you but because you are our brother. End of. You’re our brother, and we love you.” His last words are barely a whisper but ring the loudest through my head.
I take a deep breath as I let them sink in. I know a part of me will always have to fight this battle, just like having my parents taken from me, but I know Mac’s telling the truth. I know he and Ronan are my brothers, and I know they love me. I love them. And Harper… fuck, Harper. I’ve never felt like I belonged somewhere more than when she’s in my arms. If there’s one thing I’m sure of in this world, it’s that they are meant to be my family. I love them. I–I love her.
Just admitting that to myself steals my breath away. I need to tell her. I need to tell her tonight. I’ve had enough love stolen from me to know it’s not something I should waste. I’m not an emotional man, but for her I would scream it from the fucking rooftops. For her, I would do anything.
I pull back from Mac’s embrace, instantly wishing we were back at the apartment. Giving his hand a firm squeeze, I softly smile, “I love you guys too. Thank you.” I’m not entirely sure what I’m saying thank you for, whether for comforting me in this moment or always treating me like I belong. But it doesn’t matter. He knows, and now I do too.
“Don’t mention it, man.” He gives me a light shove, “Seriously, don’t. Tell Ronan I hugged you, and your ass is fucking grass.” This time I laugh at his joke.
