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Matt
Ben: Be back late. Heading to pub after show. You can punish me however you want when I get home.
Igrin despite myannoyance that Ben’s going to be late home. Again. Our jobs don’t complement one another's very well. Ben’s an actor – currently appearing in some kind of allegedly experimental theatre piece that, according to Ben, explores festive themes. He is mostly naked and covered in green body paint for this, and I remain unconvinced about its artistic merits despite seeing it several times. Why should others get the chance to ogle Ben when I don’t?
My macaron shop,Amuse-Bouche, opens at seven every morning except Sunday, and I’m in the kitchen by five every day. Sometimes earlier. The shop’s right across the road from a couple of Edinburgh’s better known theatres, but Ben is currently performing in a smaller venue near the bottom of the Royal Mile. It’s within walking distance, but definitely not handyfor catching a quick coffee when either of us have a break like we did over the summer.
Still, we don’t need to actually sleep together to have fun, right? Our sex life currently exists in what I’m sure both Ben and Jocelyn would describe as a liminal space between our two lives. When one of us is getting into bed, the other is about to get up, but it’s actually not worked out too badly. I grin at the memories, particularly those where I have to help Ben remove the last of his body paint… I can’t imagine Jocelyn is going to love ending up covered in green make-up, but you never know. She’s open to most things.
As if she realised I was thinking about her, my phone pings and her picture shows up on my screen.
Joss: On my last train. Finally. Getting an Uber from Waverley. Cannot wait to see you.
Jocelyn’s in her final year of drama school on a remote Scottish Island on the west coast. Island Academy has its own helicopter to transport students on and off the island, but it’s only supposed to be used when slow travel isn’t an option and the college doesn’t seem to understand the urgency I’m feeling to see her. Funny that. It’s been four whole weeks, and even though we talk regularly online, I miss her. Although apart from the time we spend in bed, I could swear I spend more time talking to Jocelyn online than I do talking to Ben, with whom I allegedly share a flat.
Officially, Jocelyn lives with us, too, but this is the first time she’ll be returning from college directly tothe flat for the holidays. It seems like a big step and one I wasn’t sure we’d reach, given Ben’s initial opinions about Joss. I can’t wait. Maybe I should be a little less excited about this, after all, I’m the oldest and the only one who has lived with another person in the past in addition to having lived with Ben for the past two years, but I can’t help it. Things are different now that Joss is with us, too. We feel… complete somehow. I sigh, then feel my lips curve into a wide smile as my phone chirps with another message.
I glance down and it’s a different part of my anatomy that’s responding to Jocelyn’s selfie of her boobs.
Me: I hope you’re not in public with those out.
Joss: Why? Feeling suddenly possessive? I mean, if I want to share, that’s up to me, right?
Me: Wrong. So very wrong, Jocelyn. You only get to share with the people I agree to share you with.
Joss: People?
Me: …
I pause, not knowing what to say. I like being watched, so does Ben. And Joss is getting used to the idea. But she’s worried that it will affect her career. And she’s right to be worried. I’m not willing to be the one responsible for her ending up with limitedcareer options, or other men thinking that they can either manipulate her with sex or expect it from her. Because that is not going to happen. And I can’t be an over-possessive arsehole without making sure that my actions don’t have negative consequences for her. The two of them are the most important things in my life, and I would never purposefully do anything to harm either of them. I sigh.
Me: Fine. Ben.
There’s a pause before she replies, and I wonder if I’ve made her uncomfortable. I’m about to hit the button to call her when my phone pings.
Joss: I love you.
My phone rings. It’s Ben.
“Jocelyn?” he practically yells down the phone.
“No, it’s me,” I say, but then Joss answers.
“Hello?” She sounds hesitant. Most unlike her usual self which is perhaps unsurprising given what she just messaged.
“Hello? What do you mean, ‘hello?’ Who the hell do you think is going to be phoning you after you drop a bomb like that into our group chat?” Ben demands.
“Ben,” I say, chiding him. Even after all these months, I’m still the one smoothing things over between the two of them. I had always thought that our little menage would work in a similar way to a macaron — Ben and I would be the two sides, while Jocelyn was the cream in the middle. That’s… okay… I can see something immediately wrong with that idea, now that I think about it, but still… I never for one moment imagined that I would be the creamy centre.
I’m not going to use that analogy again, I promise.
“I thought you’d be happy,” Jocelyn says, and I’m not sure if Ben can hear it, but I can certainly hear the insecurity in her voice. Is this why she wrote it? Because she isn’t sure? No, I don’t think she’s unsure, but she is insecure.
“We are, Baby,” I reassure her. “Aren’t we, Ben?”
“Are we happy?” says Ben and now I can hear the emotion in his voice, too. The background sound behind him changes and I hear a door close. “Jocelyn, I’m so bloody happy I’ve just had to lock myself in the janitor’s closet so that the rest of the cast don’t see my giant green hard-on.”
Whatever he says next is drowned out by both my and Jocelyn’s laughter, although I can hear the tinge of hysteria in hers. And then she sniffs.
