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Tears fill her eyes and they spill over as she stares at me. I wait for her to say it back to me, but she doesn’t. Is she regretting her text? Did putting the words in writing make her realise they weren’t true? I lean forward and lick up the salty trails on her cheeks, then kiss each of her now closed eyelids. Her body moves in a choked sob and I pull her head in to reston my chest, wishing that Ben was here. When we’re together, I’m the one who makes the decisions, who controls most of our scenarios, and yet here in this moment I have no idea what to do.
I know exactly what to do to make her body respond to me, to speed up her heart-beat, make her wet, bring her to one cresting peak after another. But that’s not what she needs right now and without doing that to her, for her, I’m not sure if I really know how to reach her. And I want our relationship to be like that — like I know exactly what to do for her when she needs it, even if she’s not sure herself.
I shift slightly and stroke her hair, cradling her head to make her feel loved and cherished but I know it’s not enough when her eyes flutter open and we gaze at one another in a silence broken only by our uneven breaths and the tick of my clock on the wall.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit, looking away from her and hoping that she doesn’t simply get up and leave. The man I usually am is strong, confident, and always in control. If she does love me, that’s the person she fell in love with. Not this version who doesn’t even know what to say to her, never mind know what she needs.
Instead, she moves her hand to cup the side of my face and turns me so that we’re looking at each other again.
“You don't have do anything more than you already are. And you don’t have to say it back,” she whispers. “Not unless you mean it. I shouldn’t have… it was stupid… there was a woman on the train and her partner had died and—”
“But I did mean it and I do love you.”
Her lips are still chilledwhen I kiss them. Then I pull my head back, smiling at her once more. “I’ve wanted to say it for a while, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready to hear it. I want this to be forever, Joss, but you’re so much younger and—”
Her tentative smile grows more confident as she starts to fully believe me. She cuts off my words with another kiss, tangling my tongue with hers. Our arms tighten as we move against one another. We never stop kissing and touching as our bodies heat and she relaxes in my arms.
I don’t know how much time passes before I roll her onto her back and she wraps her legs around my hips. I’ve been hard since we walked into the flat and it’s a relief to slide inside her now. She arches her back and cries out as I move carefully, making sure she’s right there with me as we make love. And I think that… maybe for the first time… that might just be what we’re doing.
For once I’m not thinking of all the ways I can challenge her, and then watch as she submits to me. I could force her body to near orgasm fast and then keep her there, edging her until she’s begging me to let her come. But I don’t. For once in the bedroom, we’re simply two souls joined together in the deepest possible way. I push myself up on my elbows and shift the angle of my hips a little so that I’m stimulating her clit with every thrust, rubbing against her g-spot every time I slide inside her.
“Please, oh god, I’m… please… Matt…” And then her eyes widen and she cries out. Her body clenches down on mine so tightly that, for a moment, I can’t even move inside her. And then her body loosens, andshe goes limp underneath me, smiling up at me with a gently satisfied smile pulling at the corners of her lips.
It’s only then that I power into her, harder and deeper, her little cries of encouragement letting me know I don’t need to worry about how deep I am. I can feel that I’m deep enough to bump up against her cervix with every thrust but if anything, rather than hating it, she’s just tilted her pelvis upwards, encouraging me to reach even deeper, as if we can somehow be joined more closely, more permanently. Sooner than I’d like, I tilt my head back and shudder through my own climax.
I keep as much of my weight on my arms as I can so that I don’t squash her, but really, I’d like just to collapse on top of her and let sleep take me. I pepper kisses over her face until she stretches up and captures my lips with hers. How have I lived all these years without knowing the taste of her, the feel of her around me, beneath me, on top of me?
“I can take your weight,” she whispers, letting her head flop back on the pillow and I let myself relax on top of her. I’m slightly to one side as I know I’m too heavy for her despite what she says, but I’m still inside her and in no rush to move when I close my eyes.
“Everything will be all right,” I whisper as warm tears trickle over my skin as we both fall asleep.
Ben
Tonight's show must surelyhave had the longest running time of any of our shows so far. Or maybe it just seemed that way. Someone didn’t check the group chat again after our call, because the two ticks in the corner of all my posts are still grey.
“Is everything all right, Ben?” Alicia asks me. She’s playing a similar role to mine and has spent the last two nights writhing around the stage covered in purple. Unfortunately we are often writhing in close quarters and despite the fact that I have been crystal clear with her about my relationships, she’s still interested in me. She steps up close to me and puts a hand on my arm. “You seemed distracted. Romantic problems?”
“Sort of,” I admit.
“You know, if things aren’t working out or you’d you know like someone’s attention solely on you, then I’d be happy to—”
I stare stupidly at her as she steps in closer and places her body against mine. It’d be inappropriate if we were dressed. The fact that we’re wearing nothing but coloured body paint makes it… hell no. I take a step back but see that some of my green painthas mixed with her purple and we both have mixed patches.
“I’m sorry, Alicia. It’s nothing like that.” I remember what Joss said in the chat and smile. Alicia’s hand brushes forward, and the combination makes my dick harden to a semi. I hastily reach for her wrist and prevent her from touching me further. “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen.”
“I just thought you might like a chance to…” she breaks off and I frown.
“To what?”
“You know… be the man, for once. Be in charge.” She steps in close to me again, walking her fingers up my bare chest. “Both your current lovers, they’re both… very dominant.”
I tilt my head to one side and stare at her. “Why do you say that?”
She breaks off into giggles and grins at me. “My parents are friendly with Jocelyn’s. We have a lot of friends in common. Friends… and more. And I’ve slept with Matt. A long time ago.” She waves that bombshell off with a delicate flick of her hand. “Both of them like to be in charge in the bedroom, while you… you’re just not like that, are you, Ben?”
I swallow before answering. “In that case, it sounds like we’re well-matched.”
But there’s something in what she says. Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I’m allowing them to be who they truly are, but it’s at the expense of my needs. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love what both of them do with me and to me, but there are times…
