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“Got her stuff,” Lynx announces, duffle swung over his shoulder, bright blue colored cell phone in his hand.
He comes over, dropping the bag beside the open door.
“It’s off,” Lynx says, swallowing, holding the cell, screen up, “probably dead, we should probably charge it.” Flynn holds out his hand, Lynx places it into his waiting palm, dropping down on the cushion beside me, closest to the door. “They’re still not done,” he states, a crease digging between his brows, scrubbing a hand through his bleached blond hair.
“I’m sure it won’t be long,” I say, counting down the seconds myself.
“When did you first fuck her?” Lynx whispers from beside me, my entire body coiling with tension, I turn my head, glancing at him, his head dropped back on the back of the couch but his red-brown eyes are on mine. “It wasn’t at the track.”
I swallow, but I don’t say anything, no one knows anything except for Flynn and he wouldn’t rat me out, but do I want to keep it a secret? Do I-
“I love her,” Lynx says calmly, killing my thoughts, still watching me, and I don’t drop his gaze, even though I want to, I’ve never heard my brother say he loves anyone except our mom. “I want to keep her.” I nod, understanding, Poppy was his first, he doesn’t want to share a woman with his older brother, and I will respect that even if it hurts. “I will do whatever the fuck she wants, but I’m not leaving her again, I’m not,” he blowsout a breath. “I’m not pushing her away, and I’m not giving her up for you, unless that’s whatshewants.”
I think of the bar, the car, the parking lot, the ride home.
“I’m not giving her up either,” Rex rasps, eyeing his lover, “I’m not exchanging one of you for the other,” he tells Lynx. “I love you,” he says confidently, making the tops of my little brother’s ears flush red. “And I love her. She makes my head quiet.” I blink at that. “And King won’t give her up, either.”
All of this feels like it’s coming outta left field, and it shouldn't really, should it. I’ve seen the way they rally around her. They orbit her like the fucking sun. Like I do. Like I think, maybe, Flynn does too.
“She already gave herself to me,” Flynn says, looking between the three of us. “I’m already hers.”
I work my jaw, gripping my thighs so tight, my knuckles feel like they’re on fire, but I don’t say anything. I don’t have anything to fucking say. I can’t add to that. I don’t love her. I’m not sure I even have the capacity. I love my brothers and I feel as though I’m maxed out with that. I don’t have a big heart or a tender bone in my whole body. I’m not a man built for the love of a soft woman. I could never reciprocate.
“Fine,” I swallow, my throat dry, voice raspy, drawing the attention of the room. “I’ll back off,” I say, nodding, owning it, we’re not good for each other, I’ll break her heart and she’s already dealt with enough shit from me. “If you’re what she wants, and y’all are gonna share without fighting,” I swallow again, still nodding my head but I can’t stop. “You can’t fight,” my words and my thoughts are all getting blurred as I think about her with my four brothers. “She’s got enough shit in her life, you cannot be fighting.” I think of her dad, his words, threats. “You need to protect her.”
And I know they can, Flynn was made for protection, so was Raiden. And Rex is easygoing, carefree, he could drag a smile outof a corpse. She needs that. Happiness. Lynx is soft, usually. He’s the buffer. The four of them fit her. I just… I just don’t. I’m hard and angry, unfeeling, I run a corrupt business, and create non-addictive substances like I think I’m some sort of hero.
I could never be that for her. I’m the reason tonight’s even happened. Why she pulled away from them. Everything is my fault. I wonder, not for the first time, if they’ll all be better off without me. Especially her.
“Bennett,” Lynx says.
But I’m already pushing to my feet. Shoving my hands into my pockets as I jog down the stairs. I grab my keys from the kitchen counter and climb into my car, start the engine. I sit inside the car, the engine rumbling as it warms up. I could peel out of here, drive and keep driving, hit highway after highway.
Instead, I’m tapping a number into my phone, the cell connected to the car speakers. It only rings three times.
“Benny,” she sighs, “I missed you,” she says, soft, happy.
Tears spring to my eyes, and I choke them down as I answer, “Hey, Mom.”
Chapter 44
POPPY
Warm, bubbly water laps at my bruised skin. I can feel them, like singed reminders I couldn’t fight back. Had my power taken away,again.I don’t want to see them, so I don’t look, but I think of Briarmoor, of fingerprint bruises on top of fingerprint bruises from being manhandled.
I think of blood, the thuds, the dark. The way I had to listen to my mother be raped and murdered, but I was only five years old and I didn’t understand what was happening, why I was put inside a kitchen cabinet.
It’s hard to breathe sometimes. The way in which I hurt.
My muscles ache, my spine has a pulse all of its own and I feel like I’m coming back to life. It’s that thought that hurts worse than my entire aching body.
The doctor told King, because my fucking tongue wouldn’t work, that there was no signs of rape. It confirms what I thought I knew,he couldn’t get it in.
I close my eyes, inhale through my nose.
The doctor also said that I’m lucky the shit Chris shot me up with didn’t kill me with the amount of other drugs already in my system.
I wish it had.
