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I shake my head, ignoring the thud of pain in my cheek, the teeth marks in my neck, because none of those things hurt as much as my own stupidity.
“Do you want me to get one of the others?” he asks lowly as my breath shudders into my lungs with another shake of myhead. “Okay, okay,” he says more to himself than me, “I'm gonna clean you up, sweetheart, okay?”
Trembling against the door, I nod my head. Lynx goes into a stall, crosses to the basin, then sinks to his knees at my feet, he looks up at me, my eyes burning at the backs with the urge to cry, I look away. Trying to smooth out his expression, a knot between his brows, he swipes wet paper towels between my legs, and humiliation strikes through me. I drop my head back against the door with a thud, draw in a trembling breath and try to ignore the feel of his hands on my thighs.
I'm not good at this, I'm not good with people, let alone men, I'm not even good with myself. I've been alone since I was five, since my mum, boarding schools only helped my isolation, my dad was always too busy for me. I didn't have friends, always moving from one school to another every other year. Then I found a way to let go, to sleep without nightmares, to walk down a dark street without having a panic attack.
Now I don't know how to breathe properly without filling myself full of chemical happiness.
“When's the last time you took something?” Lynx's hand brushes over my cheek, making me flinch with the touch of pain in the bone. “Sorry,” he hushes, crowding my front, “it's bruising,” he lifts my chin to get a better look at my face, but I keep my eyes lowered, my shame filling the room like smoke, toxic, overwhelming, suffocating. “I hurt you.”
“You didn't,” I shake my head, blinking hard as I draw in a ragged breath, “I hurt me,” I swallow. “I just used you to do it,” It's a whispered confession that feels ripped straight from my soul.
Because it's true.
“Popp-”
“Please,” I glance up then, looking into his warm chestnut-red eyes, “I just wanna go back to the dorm,” I swallow hard,trying not to throw my arms around his waist, let him bury me in his chest, band his arms around me so tight I can't think about anything else.
“Okay, we'll stay in an-”
“No, I… I wanna be alone. You stay, I'm just gunna go to bed,” I whisper it at the ground, because what I really want is to fucking disappear. “You stay and have fun, there's tonnes of girls out there who would love to have your attentio-”
“Woah, wait,what?” Lynx jerks my chin up, his eyes hard on mine, and I bite down on my back teeth to keep my chin from trembling, my cheeks flushing crimson. “You think we'd even fuckinglookat anyone else if you weren't here?”
“Well, I just though-”
“No, no, no. Stop. Poppy,” he takes a deep breath, cupping my tender cheek. “What the fuck is going on in that pretty little head of yours? Have we made you feel like that? Something we've said, done?”
“No, but I-”
“Look, I know this has been really fast. I think,” Lynx blows out a breath, shoving a hand through his messy hair again. “I think we should like talk? Or something, I want you to trust us with you, but it's been like a week and it's fast and we're all kinda riding a high and no one's thought to like,talkabout it,right? So maybe we just need to do that first?” Lynx tilts my chin, slants his lips over mine, stares into my eyes, pleading, “I want you to trust us, tell me what to do, whatever you want. Let's go home together, all of us, let's talk and we can, we can slow this all down.”
“This has gotten out of control,” my chin trembling, I bite my lip, glance down. “I'm tired,” I choke out almost silently, the lump in my throat growing, but this is what I wanted wasn't it? To end it before they did? “I just want to go to bed,” I whisper, “I don't know what I'm doing.” Lynx looks like I just slappedhim across the face, he steps back, dropping his gaze, his hand, gritting his teeth. “It isn't you, I just, I need to press pause for a minute.”
I want to cry. To scream. To throw myself at him. But above all, I just want to die.
“I didn't mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn't. You didn't hurt me. It's not that, I just,” I choke on my own words, feeling like the world is spinning off of its axis. “I just need…”
To go home, to grab some pills to knock me out, so I can forget all of tonight ever happened, and I can-
“You need a night in, with us reassuring you that we're not going to leave you, not unless it's what you want. I get it, I know we look like fuck boys that have never had a girlfriend before, but Poppy, you're different, this is different. I don't want to push you into something you're uncomfortable with. And I know you think you wanna be alone right now, but I don't think that's really what's in your best interest. Let us take you home, we'll put on sweatpants and watch trash TV and order pizza. Let us try and show you how we feel, and if you decide you don't want this, we'll walk away, we'll leave you alone. But I want to show you just how much we want you and even though this is fast, it doesn't change how we feel about you.” He swallows, glancing at the sliver of space between us before dragging his gaze back onto mine, “It doesn't change howIfeel about you.”
I am so fucked.
Our mouths meet in a frenzy, tongues tangling, teeth clashing, his hand is planted over my chest, shoving me back into the door. Heart thudding against his palm, he shoves his knee between my thighs, using his other hand to drag me up to his chest, grinding my cunt over his thigh, his hand trapped between our heaving chests.
He kisses me like he can entangle our souls together for eternity with nothing more than his tongue. And as I melt into him, throwing my inhibitions out of the goddamn window, I promise myself the inevitable pain will be worth it for just a few more precious moments like this.
Chapter 18
FLYNN
Poppy Foster's file sits spread out across the polished wood of my large desk. Papers, report cards, transcripts. All of which states she gets good grades because she's quiet, hard working and keeps her head down. She stays late for extra credit, helps tutor younger students and volunteers for all of the humanitarian projects that run through evenings, weekends and term breaks. All of her teachers say she has a heart of gold and is a pleasure to teach.
Seems to me like she just didn't ever want to go home.
