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I see her then, my mum, long golden hair, blue-grey eyes, soft skin, a warm smile, light freckles across the bridge of her nose.
I wonder, if she were here now, if she would take me into her chest, welcome me into the cradle of her arms, squeeze me tight, hug me, and love me, and never let me go again.
I feel numb, pushing to my wobbly legs, cum and spit and tears a mess all over me. The skirt of my dress falls down, covering me, hitting just above my ankles. I see Rex closer, unsure of when he moved towards me further. I step just off of the track, closer to them, and a look of something like relief washes over Rex’s face. A crease appearing between my brows in confusion.
I look between the four men, and I’m suddenly not sure why I ever thought I could fit there. Between all of these muscles and ink, smirks and curled upper lips. But the way they each took their time with me, comforted me, together and alone, the way they genuinelylikedme.
Was all of it only ever a lie?
Lynx’s words, his explanation, comes back to me, telling me how I ruined his family. Forced his brother into a life of crime. I don’t understand any of it, I’ve never done anything to purposely hurt another human being in my entire life. Even when I hurt that girl, it’s only because of what she did to me first. It was a reaction, a bad one. A compulsion to stand up for myself for the first time in my life.
Nobody ever really cares about the other side of the story, though. Not when it comes to me.
The train is so close now, I can feel the heat of its roaring engine, like a wall of fire rolling into me.
I glance to my right, dragging my blurry eyes away from four men who have destroyed me. Mind, body and soul. All of it likethick, black tar, seeping its way out of my cracks and fractures, nothing ofmeleft now. Whatever that ever was anyway.
Without drugs, without forcing myself to fit, who even am I?
Worthless.
Troublemaker.
Pathetic.
Waste of space.
Should have been you that died instead of your mother.
The train’s headlight is like staring into the sun as I take one large step back onto the tracks, my wobbly legs holding me firm, the train horn blares loud enough that I momentarily go deaf and then it hits me.
Chapter 34
LYNX
Rex’s fingers curl in the hair at my nape, his arm around the back of my neck where he lies with me, his heavy, naked body splayed half over mine, head on my chest, the sheet knotted between our tangled legs.
Sweat glistens in dotted beads across the light skin of his face, straight strands of ashy-mocha colored hair sticking to his damp temples. Rex tilts his chin, gazing up at me, his hand resting over my heart.
“You want to talk about it?” he rumbles, licking his thin, pink lips, becausehewants to talk about it.
I stare down at him, flicking my gaze over his light green eyes, the black metal hoop through his straight nose, the sharp cut of his square jaw.
Licking my own lips, swollen from a night of no sleep and half a day full of fucking, finally, I rasp, “No.”
Hendrix is silent, his fingers tracing over my chest, our breathing soft and even. Eyes drifting shut, I’m almost asleep when he shifts, turning so his chin rests on my sternum, his gaze boring a hole in my head but I don’t open my eyes, I don’t look at him, knowing the expression he wears. I can see it even through my shut lids, the pleading softness in his very masculinefeatures. I’ve only seen it once before, before I was leaving for rehab, before it was voluntarily.
“I’m worried about her, Lynx,” he says quietly, the bone of his chin digging into my sternum, but it feels like a blade in my heart. “She’s not- I don’t think she’s okay,” he sighs.
I think of her beautiful face full of fear, tear-tracked cheeks, and something worse.
Acceptance.
It’s why I walked away. Before she stepped in front of a train, Flynn and King launching themselves at her just in time.
I imagine her dead, and bile bites at the back of my tongue.
I wish I could hate her as much as I pretend to.
