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I cut him off with my sharp crack of laughter, “Youspendhourswatching that little cunt on camera, fucking with her head in your office. Manipulating her so shetrustsyou. She’s your newest obsession, so stay the fuck out of this.”
“You do?” King asks, turning to look at his older, crazier brother over his shoulder.
“Is that what this is about?” Bennett interrupts, removing the attention from Flynn, “Poppy?” he asks cautiously, a strange look on his face, a wince, as he says her name.
It’s like a hammer to my eye socket.
“No,actually,it’s ab-”
“Drugs,” King says slowly, dragging the word out until it’s ringing inside my head like a war cry.
Nobody speaks, all eyes on Raiden. He turns slowly, facing his half-brother, Flynn’s deep blue eyes already locked on him.
“Has Poppy got a drughabit?” not wanting to say addiction, he licks his lips, rolling them together, his jaw popping with the squeaky gritting of his teeth.
A smug thrill rolls through me at the thought of her suddenly not being good enough for him now. That he’ll be disgusted he ever let himself get invested. But the way Flynn watches his younger brother, the rest of us silent, makes my belly flop, a weight dropping into it. Because Raiden was never disgusted with me, by me, he was only ever supportive, worried about me.
Even now, the way he checks in, it’s like he… “You feel guilty,” I say quietly, cutting in before Flynn can reply to his brother.
I look up at King as his head slowly turns back towards me, my meaning clear, he knows I’m not talking about Poppy anymore. His dark gray eyes slowly roll back to mine, almost as though he hopes it’s not him I’m directing my comment at.
“You think it was your fault,” I say coolly, as if the words come from someone else.
It’s like a wrecking ball slams into me, knocking me back a step, a new wave of heat overwhelming me.
Embarrassment.
I step even further back into the room. Dropping my gaze to the floor. Raking my hands through my hair. There’s a buzzing in my ears that makes everything sound muffled, my heart beating erratically inside of my head.
“Itwasmy fault,” King swallows, the words raspy, thick, uncomfortable. “I never should have-”
“Your fault because why? You’re not a fucking mind reader, of course it isn’t your fault! YOU DID NOTHING! It was me! I took the drugs, King, you didn’t shove them down my throat! Stop with the fucking guilt! You can’t control every fucking thingall the goddamn time. I took drugs becauseIfelt better about myself, it had nothing to do with anyone else.”
There is silence then, as my chest heaves, thinking of how every person in this house feels like it's their fault. What I did to myself. How they feel like they shoulda seen the signs, they should have said something when they did, not have let it get as far as addiction.
King still sending me out on runs, that’s what he feels guilt over. Rex finding me blacked out with a needle still in my arm and not telling anybody those first few times, not until he found me slicing myself open with a razor.
That was the catalyst of it all.
That’s their guilt, but it had no impact on my own actions.
That's not how real life works.
We are only ever in control of ourselves, our own actions and reactions. I took drugs because I thought I needed them. They made me feel better. For a moment. I hid it all well, until I couldn’t anymore.
I blink.
“This why you’re making your new wonder drug?” I interrupt, diverting my attention back to Rex. “Because of me?” Rex lowers his eyes, glancing between Bennett and King. “You think I’m going to fuck up again,” a statement.
Hurt tumbles through me with more heat, more flushing of my face, more drowning embarrassment.
“You thought you could give me another option, something that won’t ruin all of our lives if I fall off the wagon again. You can let me get away with my merry little addiction and continue living your everyday lives like it doesn’t matter. Like it means nothing. Like I’m not broken.”
“Lynx,no,that’s not it, not at all-”
I nod, cutting Bennett off with a sad laugh, “I’m just a fuck up that keeps fucking up.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, silence filling the space, but it’s suffocating. I can’t breathe in the stifling heat any longer. Swiping a shirt from Rex’s open top drawer of his dresser, I shove my arms through the tight white fabric, tugging it down.
