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Hide.
Leave.
Turn his back because it was easier for him to hate himself, to succumb to the fear, than to give into the love waiting for him to accept it.
Darkness had come an hour before, the night stilled and quiet.
Morbid and wrong.
I turned my key in the lock, then knocked at the door to give my grandpa a heads-up that I was there.
Cracking it open, I called, “Hey, Grandpa, it’s just me.”
It came out sounding like a croak with the amount I’d been crying, but I didn’t have it in me to try to hide it.
Inside, it was almost completely dark, and I tossed my keys and bag to the floor and fumbled my way through the living room and into the back room where I could hear the drone of the news on the television.
The only light in the room emanated from it, illuminating him just enough that I could see the warmth in his expression.
“Well, what a nice surprise.”
Except his excitement dulled and that warmth expanded when he saw my face. I could only imagine the mess that I was.
My eyes were swollen, and my lips were chapped, and I was pretty sure there was a wound gaping open in my chest where my heart had been ripped out.
“Oh, Paisley, sweetheart, what happened?”
“I went and got my heart broken, Grandpa.”
He shifted in his chair and held out a hand, and I moved the rest of the way over to him and eased down on the arm of his recliner. I snuggled into his chest, and he wrapped his arm around me.
“I imagine it was that boy in the suit. Do I need to get my shotgun after him?”
He was so old school, fighting for my honor since I was a little girl.
“No, Grandpa, I’m pretty sure he punishes himself enough.”
Grandpa hummed. “It’s hard for a man to love when he’s got demons shouting in his ear.”
“You saw them?” I whispered, tears streaming free again and soaking into his shirt.
He pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of my head, the way he’d done when I was a little girl. When I’d get my knees scraped or my feelings hurt.
But this hurt was so big, so enormous he couldn’t soothe it away, even though I knew he would do everything to try.
“I didn’t talk to him for long, but it was clear enough to see he was haunted when he was standing there in my kitchen. There’s something always missing in a broken man’s eyes.”
I sniffed. “I don’t know how to battle those demons for him when he won’t let me.”
I felt him shake his head. “No, you can’t because you’ll just be fighting a losing battle. Never works unless someone picks up their sword and fights beside you.”
More tears streaked, and I tried to contain the sob that busted through anyway. “I love him so much, Grandpa, and I love that little girl, too. More than I ever knew I could love anything or anyone. I feel like I was given a family, and a moment later they were ripped away.”
I struggled over the soggy words, the pain in my chest making it impossible to breathe.
He squeezed me tighter. “You love her like your own.”
I nodded where my head was tucked under his chin. “I do, and I’m not sure I’ll ever heal from that.”
“Breaks my heart for you, Paisley. I’m sorry.”
I nodded against his shoulder. “Is it okay if I stay here for a little bit until I figure out what I’m going to do?”
“This will always be your home, Paisley. You don’t ever have to ask or wait for an invitation.”
“Thank you.” I hesitated, then whispered, “You always warned me that life hurts sometimes.”
“A whole hell of a lot of the time, but that just means we’ve gotten to experience love.”
“Is it worth it?” I choked into the lapping shadows of the den.
I could almost feel my grandmother’s spirit hovering in the corners.
He only hesitated for a moment before he said, “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
I tossed most of the night on the small twin bed that had been mine since I could remember.
I’d sent Caleb a text at midnight, asking him to trust in me, telling him I knew the risks of loving him, all the dangers that went along with it, and that I didn’t care.
I’d still stand by his side.
We could face it together.
But I hadn’t gotten a response.
I had to accept it. Stop fighting it. Caleb had made his choice.
That didn’t mean I didn’t float in the misery of that choice the entire night. Dark waters dragging me under.
Holding me hostage.
The gutting reality that I hadn’t only lost one person I loved, but two.
I felt empty.
A cavern cut out from the place inside me where my love for them had grown.
My grieving so intense for a little girl who’d become my very favorite day.
