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Because I’d been responsible for it. Responsible for it all.
My skin was bright red as I toweled off. I pulled on a fresh pair of underwear and roamed into the massive, vacant room.
Below, the city was at my feet. The harbor bobbing with ships and boats that twinkled in the blackened night.
I’d once felt the king of it.
Higher than them all.
But I’d been brought to my knees. Forced to see what my sins had caused.
I sank down onto the side of the bed, dragging my fingers through the wet strands of my hair before I reached for my phone and thumbed into my texts.
I went back to the last one that Paisley had sent earlier today.
It was a picture of her and Evelyn, their two bright, smiling faces plastered on the screen.
It was followed with a thumbs up and a Having a blast!
My stomach twisted in hope and dread.
I had one purpose left.
Ensuring that Evelyn was safe.
I had nothing more to give than that.
Knowing me was peril and risk.
My soul emptied by the mistakes I had made.
Loveless.
Lifeless.
Still, I ran the pad of my thumb over their faces.
Wishing I was different.
NINETEEN
PAISLEY
I galloped upstairs with a peapod on my back, her giggles wild and unending. Her little arms clung to my neck, and mine were wrapped around her back, keeping her safe and supported as I clomped up the stairs, snorting and whinnying and bouncing her all over the place.
“You are the most fastest horse I’ve ever seen,” she managed through her giggles that kept coming. Each one made me grin wider.
I bucked her a bit when we got to the second-floor landing. “That’s because I’m a Thoroughbred. If you’re the bettin’ kind, I can’t be beat.”
More giggles rolled. “Don’t be crazy. I’m only five, and I’m not even allowed to bet, and I only got five dollars. And my mommy said betting is really bad so I’m never even gonna do that.”
I nearly screeched to a halt, my knees going weak as my heart hitched.
It was the first time she’d mentioned her mom, and it rolled out of her so easily, like second nature, but what I felt more was the way her arms tightened around me once she realized what she’d said.
In an instant, she’d gone quiet and still.
The last thing I wanted was for her to fall into somberness, but I didn’t want to ignore the importance of it, either. So, I bucked her again, keeping my voice light when I told her, “Your mommy is totally right. Betting isn’t the smartest thing you can do with your money. It’s best to save it up so you can buy what you want. What are you saving those five dollars for?”
“Another horse.” With the way she said it, she might as well have tacked an obviously onto it.
My chest expanded. Of course, she was. I galloped down the hall, my feet clomping on the wood, a raucous disorder filling up the vacancy that echoed through the space.
Evelyn lightened again, and I made a sharp right, making her laugh as I darted through her door and galloped into her room. Spinning around, I bucked up so I could dump her in the center of her bed, careful to lean almost all the way back to keep her safe.
Laughter ricocheted as she bounced on the mattress. It hit the walls and my heart, and it only grew when I spun around. She was on her back, those long locks of brown spread around her in a total mess.
It was pure cuteness overload as she grinned up at me as she struggled to get her hair out of her face so she could see me, her smile growing by ten times when she finally did.
“I like it the best when you’re here, Ms. Dae.”
Everything slowed as a wave of affection overpowered me. A tsunami that knocked me from my feet. I climbed down onto my knees at the side of her bed, suddenly so thankful that I’d gotten to have this time with her.
“I really like it, too,” I told her. “So much.”
It was our second night, and Dakota might tell me I’d completely lost it, but I thought staying here had been one of the best experiences of my life.
I looked down at the little girl who had made it that way.
She was wearing a pink nightgown with three unicorns printed on the front. Last night, we’d painted our fingernails and toes a rainbow of colors.
I took her little hand, running the pad of my thumb over the back.
I couldn’t help but think she was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen.
She curled her fingers around mine, lifting them between us. “We match.”
“That’s right, we do.”
“And we like horses so much and so much and the same.”
“Mmhmm, we both love them so much.” I could almost remember being her age and forming my obsession around them. How I couldn’t wait to get to my uncle’s small ranch on the weekend, begging my grandma and grandpa to go early so I could spend the day in the barn.
