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I crept forward until I was standing in the archway, emotion cresting as I looked at where my grandfather sat in the same recliner that he’d had for as long as I could remember. So many times, I’d sat at his feet while he told me wild stories, and other times I’d sat perched on the arm, eager for comfort or wisdom.
And there I stood, for the second time in my life, feeling like I might be letting him down.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He pushed forward, closing the leg rest, his white hair wild and sticking up all over the place.
I attempted to swallow around the knot in my throat. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Are you hurt?” Anxiety shot into his voice, and I shook my head, easing forward to sit on the hearth that was near his chair. “No, I’m not hurt.”
“Then what’s put that sad look on your face?” He leaned forward, reaching out and swiping the pad of his thumb over my cheek as he studied me. “Funny, there’s also hope in those eyes at the same time.”
I choked over a soft laugh. “Because I’m feeling both, Grandpa.”
He nodded his head as if he’d already read the convoluted mix of melancholy and the spark of something too bright that was shining out of the middle of it.
Glowing from the center where this new feeling had lit.
“I got offered a job,” I continued.
Belief spread through his expression. “Doesn’t surprise me one bit. Working with horses?”
Hesitation brimmed, and my tongue stroked out over my bottom lip. “Not exactly. The little girl I’ve been training? You know how I spent the last couple days babysitting her?”
“Sure.”
“It was offered to me as a permanent position.”
I left what it really meant hanging in the middle of us. Grandpa pushed right into it.
“And what’s the sad part? You aren’t sure you want to do it? It’s not exactly a full-time training position with horses, but you’d still be out there on that ranch and working with the horses? Am I right about that?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what’s the problem, unless you don’t want to have to spend your time caring for a child?”
My chest expanded. “No, it’s not that. I really…” I hesitated, not sure I wanted to say it aloud. Showing my cards would reveal too much. “I really enjoy spending time with her. And the horses…”
“Then what’s the problem?” With the way he said it, he already knew. He was just pushing me to lay it out.
“I’m not sure I want to leave you.”
Air huffed from his nose, and he took my hand. “I love having you here, Paisley, but me and your grandma didn’t raise you to get stuck under this roof. We raised you to live. To chase after your dreams and everything that burns inside you. To find the things that make you happy. And you’re not gonna find that here with me. You have to go where you’re being called. And if you’re bein’ called out to that ranch, then you follow it. If you’re being called somewhere else, then you go there. And maybe you want to spend some time exploring and figuring out where you really want to go and what you really want to do, and that’s just fine, too. Thing is, you have to step out that door to find it.”
“But what about you being here alone?”
He huffed, a sly grin cracking in the wrinkles around his mouth. “What, you think this old man is too old to take care of himself?”
“Of course not, Grandpa, but you’re no spring chicken anymore, either.” I forced some lightness into my voice, praying it didn’t twist on the truth that I worried about him.
Hated for him to be alone.
He breathed out a slow sigh, and he enfolded both his hands around mine. “I never imagined I would get to spend the years I did with you, Paisley, and I might not have ever approved of what your mama did, but I will tell you your grandmother and I took it as a blessing. Getting you was like getting a bonus on life, and I promise the only thing we ever wanted was to see your joy.”
“I just hate the idea of you being here by yourself, Grandpa. When I went to Arizona…”
The words were too bitter to speak.
His hands squeezed tighter. “You went there for someone else, Paisley. And you did it out of love, but when the kind of love you’re offering isn’t returned, it becomes sour. A distorted memory that makes it impossible to see your original purpose. Don’t you ever feel bad that you left in search of happiness. I’m just sorry you didn’t find it there, but you can’t let that keep you from still searching.”
“Grandpa,” I whispered. A tear slid down my cheek.
