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I knew they were safe with my mother when I had to be away, but it still was a bitch letting them out of my sight. Giving them space when it felt like instinct to wrap them in my arms, guard them from the evils and atrocities, and ensure nothing bad could ever touch them.
It was bad enough, being a cop and seeing all the horrible shit that went down. And after what had happened to Brianna? It was a million times worse.
The fear.
The feeling like I needed to watch over them every second.
Protect them the way I should have protected their mother.
But I knew I couldn’t keep the reins cinched that tight. The only thing that would do was suffocate them.
Stifle their growth.
Make them even more fearful than they already were.
They needed to spread their wings, and they needed their dad there to support them as they prepared to fly.
Owen and Oliver broke out ahead of Olivia. There were the most enormous smiles on my four-year-old twins’ faces. Their white-blond hair bounced in sync with their backpacks as they ran. So fucking cute it clutched my heart in an agonizing fist.
Both held coloring pages over their heads. “Look it, Daddy, look it!”
I knelt at the same time as they made it to me.
“What do you have?” I made sure to keep a boatload of enthusiasm in my voice.
“Today we learned all about the biggest insects in the whole world, and we had to draw our favorite one, and mine is the Titan Beetle!” Awe filled Oliver’s brown eyes. “It is at least six whole inches long. Can you even believe it?”
“No way.”
His brow lifted so high it was comical. “Yes, way.”
“Holy cow, now that is big. I don’t think I’d want to come up on one of those in our backyard.”
“Don’t even worry, Dad, they only live in the rain forests, so there is no way they’re gonna be comin’ around here.”
“Whew.” I dragged my fingers over my forehead like I was wiping up sweat.
Oliver giggled.
I turned my attention to Owen. “And what did you draw, buddy?”
“Phryganistria chinensis…” He sounded it out with his little slur, his r’s coming out like w’s the way they always did.
“Phryganistria chinensis?” Hell, I probably pronounced it wrong, too.
“A stick bwug,” he clarified, holding up his drawing that was one long line with four smaller ones coming off it. “It’s two feet wong, and it wooks wike a stick. You can’t even see it one bit because it gets all hidden in the twees.”
Owen’s demeanor came across as shier than his big brother’s. Oliver was three whole minutes older than him, and they looked nearly identical, except Owen’s brown eyes were a tad bit lighter than Oliver’s—closer to the color of mine.
“Now that is long. That thing must nearly be as tall as you,” I teased, tipping up his chin and making him giggle.
“Even tawer, Daddy,” he said, so sweet.
My chest squeezed.
“I think he might be exaggerating,” Olivia cut in.
Chuckling under my breath, I glanced up at their big sister who hovered behind them. “You think so, huh?”
“Don’t you know that all kids do it, Dad?”
My chuckle grew, and I stretched out a hand for her to come closer. “How was school today, Livvie-Loo?”
Her adorable face split into a grin. “It was the best! I got an A+ on my spelling test, and that means I get to go to the library in two weeks to compete against all the grades in the spelling bee, so you have to help me study all night long because you know there are going to be really hard words.”
“Like phryganistria chinensis?”
She rolled her eyes, and her blonde hair that was braided into two long pieces swished along her shoulders. “Dad, you are such a dork.”
“A dork? Who, me?”
I’d be anything she wanted me to be if it conjured the kind of smile she was watching me with right then. She’d had it the roughest, but she was coming through. Lighting up the room the way she used to before joy had been stripped out from under her.
“Yes, you.” She widened her eyes like she was horrified to be standing by me—like she was going on thirteen instead of seven—even though her lips were twitching all over the place.
“Well, let’s get you home so we can get some dinner and start that extra studying.” Pushing to stand, I opened the back door and the three of them clambered inside. I buckled the boys into their car seats and ensured Olivia was strapped into her booster.
Poor girl was smooshed in the middle, but I couldn’t bring myself to purchase a minivan or some shit like that. But I figured the truck gave us the opportunity to hit the wilderness on the weekends, something we’d been doing a ton.
Taking some uncharted dirt road out to the mountains.
