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“Hawaii? Five-star resort?” I know I have to look ridiculous given the way I’m staring at him, but I can’t help it.
“I did good, right?” He’s smiling with so much arrogance all I can do is blink at him.
“I figured we would go to Florida or something, not freaking Hawaii. What can I do to help? What do I owe for my part? I’ll write you a check right now,” I stand to get it from my desk my mind swimming with surprise and excitement. I’ve never even been out of Idaho. I’ve had traveling on my list of reasons for ages, I’ve just not done it yet.
“I handled all of it. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you for handling the planning,” I grab my checkbook and a pen and then rejoin him at the table. “What’s the amount?”
His hand covers mine, “Nothing.”
“What?”
“I want to do this,” he says softly making me look from my hands straight into those beautiful eyes of his. “Let me do this, okay?”
At first I soften, but then the thoughts I’ve kept at bay slam forward with such force I almost gaps. “I don’t want to be pitied,” my voice hardens and my hands tighten into fists.
“That’s not what this is.”
“That’s exactly what this is. Come on, Oliver. Other than our monthly dinners I’ve barely seen you in months. Now, all of the sudden you find out I have cancer and we’re going to Hawaii together? If this isn’t pity or you trying to soothe your misguided guilt, what is it? I’ve been doing just fine with the time you’ve been kind enough to spare for me, I’ll continue doing just fine without this.”
When Oliver suddenly stands knocking over his chair, I jump and Meatball runs away to take cover. Oliver leans forward placing his hands on the edge of the table. His eyes are so fierce I think they’d shoot fire if they could. “Tell you what, sunshine, why don’t you just tell me how it is you want me to act then. Tell me what you want me to say or not say, do or not do. Otherwise, I can’t win here.”
“That’s not what-”
“Yes it is. I mean hell, you won’t discuss getting a second opinion. Won’t discuss a treatment plan right now, if at all. As if that’s not hard enough now I’m messing up trying to make fun plans, something to do to make up for time we haven’t spent together, which by the way, the phone works both ways. I don’t recall getting a phone call from you asking me to get together or hang out. How many times have I called and asked you to do something and you were too busy? If I didn’t insist on our dinners, I would never see you so don’t put that on me.”
“But-” I try to interrupt again but he’s not having it. He just speaks over me.
“So, I beg you, please, tell me how to win here. All I want to do is go away with my best friend because I miss her and because I’m scared. I’m fucking scared, Remy. I’ve been in a tailspin since yesterday. I feel completely out of control with all of this – helpless. I’ve barely had time to process any of it myself, but this… this trip… this is something I can do. Something I can handle. Something I can control. It’s not pity. It’s letting me feel like I’m doing something right now since you’re castrating me as far as anything else.” His face is red and his hands are on his hips. He’s looking down at the floor and his feelings of frustration and desperation are palpable.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I stand from my own seat and move to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. I feel his whole body exhale and sink into mine. “Forgive me,” I whisper.
“Only if you let me do this, okay? I just want to take you away for a week, have some fun, get our minds on something else, go to the beach like you’ve always wanted, okay? At least I can do that.”
“Okay,” my voice sounds brittle and weak. Squeezing him one last time I move away, “So, I think shopping is in order. I’m thinking you’re right. A new swimsuit, or two, is exactly what I need,” I smile offering a change of conversation as my peace offering.
“Good. I think you should get right on that.”
We sit back down at the table and continue eating our meal. We laugh and talk about the sunscreen we need to buy and I tell him that I think along with my new swimsuit I’d like to get a sun hat as well. Silly conversation, but while we talk I watch those eyes I love fill with mirth, watch as the dimple in his left cheek winks at me when he speaks. I savor the familiar sight of him running his hand through his dark hair and enjoy the comfort his presence brings. It makes me realize how much I’ve missed him. It makes me wonder if I’ll still miss him even after I’m gone.
