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Brushing my hands on my jeans I tuck my hair behind my ear, “I guess I didn’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to think it’s your fault or something – it isn’t. It is what it is. But more than that - prepare yourself to hear this mom - I’m considering not doing treatment and I’m pretty sure you’d disagree with that choice,” I pause then laugh. It’s like I was waiting for her to start in on me about all the reasons she thinks that’s a dumb idea.
“I think part of me was expecting a big boom of thunder or for a bird to poop on me or something to showcase your disagreement. I’m surprised it remains quiet.” Scooting closer I trace the letters of her name with my finger, “You can try to understand, right mom? I’d like to point out to you every thought, every reason I have for considering this decision, but in my mind I can see you shaking your head to each and every item just waiting for me to pause so you can provide an alternative perspective, but I will ask you to try to understand. To know that one good thing comes from this… my getting to see you sooner than later. I think that’s the only good thing about this if I’m being honest. Getting to wrap my arms around you again. Seeing your smile and hearing your laugh – I really miss your laugh. Feeling your fingers as they tuck my hair behind my ear and linger on my face. It’s been hard without you,” I confess. “I’ve been very lonely. It’s not your fault - it’s mine. I’ve tried to be better – to jump back into my life like before, but I guess while most of me healed, part of me has just stayed broken and I haven’t cared enough to try to fix it. Don’t be angry with me. Maybe I haven’t tried because on some level I knew I would end up right here in this place no matter what and it will be easier for me to let go without anything to hold onto, you know?”
Opening my notebook, I turn to a blank page and take the cap off of my pen. At the top I write, ‘My Reasons’ and the date. Normally I only do this on her birthday when I visit, it’s always been our thing and I’ve kept it going, but today I’m making an exception – or at least I had wanted to.
“Mom… I’m afraid. I know I’m a grown woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want my mom. I doubt that a person probably ever stops wanting their mom. I wish you were here to hold my hand, to whisper words of love and encouragement and to tell me that it will all be okay. To take my fears away in the only way a mother can. Imagining you here and doing that… it isn’t the same. Please forgive me, but I can’t make a list today. I can’t… I just can’t find a reason right now.”
Looking away feeling ashamed I see Oliver leaning against the fence to my right. He’s watching me and blesses me with a smile when he finds me looking at him, I give him a wave and then turn back. “I should go. Oliver’s being kind waiting for me, but we need to get to the airport. I’m looking forward to spending some time with him – just us – for more than an hour at a time. It’s been a while. I’ve missed him. I love you, mama. I promise to be back as soon as I can, okay?” Leaning down I press a kiss to the top arch of her tombstone before walking away.
When I reach Oliver, he puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses me on the top of my head. “You sure you’re ready?”
With one last look over my shoulder back the way I came, I nod, “Yes. I’m ready.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” I smile trying to give him actions to support my words. He nods and once again opens the car door for me to get inside.
I’m quiet on our drive to the airport my mind still back at the cemetery with my mom. It isn’t until we’re at a stoplight close to the airport that I realize Oliver has been just as quiet. Turning to him eager to break the silence the words get lost in my throat when I find he’s staring at the open and empty notebook page on my lap. The sadness in his eyes when they collide with mine makes the breath catch in my throat.
