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He laughs, “Yes. Yes, I was.” I’m too shocked to do more than stare at him. “I know that in the way a little boy can, I may have loved you the day I met you. When I realized the extent of my feelings in high school I convinced myself that crossing the line and telling you how I felt would royally screw up our friendship. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it – I refused – so I never said a word. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship – that wasn’t an option. So, I did my best to push my feelings aside – shove them deep down and ignore them – which was especially hard at times. Especially when I thought you may have liked me too, but I wasn’t sure and I couldn’t face the possibility that my feelings weren’t reciprocated. So, I vowed to keep things platonic and I dated all kinds of girls so it would keep my mind off of you. Which was unsuccessful.”
“Oliver-”
“No. You don’t have to say anything. It’s just, I did my best to move on, to live my life and to keep my feelings to myself. The only reason I’m telling you now is because of the fight we had earlier.” I know he sees confusion on my face and his eyes soften. “Your potential choice to not get treatment for your cancer terrifies me to my core. I do not want to lose you. But, I’ve had a realization. How could I call you out on making a choice derived in fear when I’ve been doing the same thing for years? I refuse to be a hypocrite any longer.”
I’m afraid to move or blink. I’m positive that if I do so I’m going to find out that this is all a dream. Oliver cups my cheek, brushes his thumb over my skin. “I’ll be honest. I want to ask you to choose me. To love me enough in return that you get treatment and we make a life together. I want to beg you to be with me, to let me love you and be loved by you. I want every single second with you that I can get, but the thing is, I love you too much to ask that of you. I love you enough to know that this isn’t a choice that you make for me or for anyone else. This is a personal choice that you have to make for yourself. I get that now. When you said that sometimes courage also means being strong enough to let go, it punched me in the stomach because that’s true too. I am so sorry for suggesting that choice is weak because it isn’t. I’m so sorry for yelling at you earlier – for saying the things I did about your mother and what she would think – I had no right. I was being selfish, terribly and unforgivably selfish. My frustration stems from my fear of losing you. It fucking terrifies me to imagine a world without you in it.”
I’m quiet, my mind moving a million miles an hour. The silence stretches on and Oliver tries to be patient but I can see the anxiety sitting in his eyes.
He finally whispers, “Say something. Anything. Please.”
Clearing my throat, I take another moment to collect myself. “One summer it was really hot outside. You and I decided to go with our friends to the lake to cool off. Do you remember the rope swing that was there? The one that was on the hill above the lake?” He nods. “Everyone was swinging from it and taking turns jumping into the water. I was scared to try it. With zero upper body strength I was convinced I would fall awkwardly and make a fool of myself at a minimum, maybe even kill myself. I genuinely feared imminent death,” I tease and he laughs softly at my attempt at humor.
“I confided in you with some embarrassment that I was afraid. You encouraged me to go for it anyway. You told me that great things happen on the other side of fear. That if I didn’t at least try, I’d miss out on something so simple yet fun. You told me that best friends don’t let best friends chicken out.” I clear my throat as I feel emotion begin to climb its way up. “I walked to the swing and I was sure that everyone could see that my knees were shaking and my hands were trembling. I grabbed hold of the rope and thought I would throw up. I looked down into the water and saw you.” I smile at the memory. “You were treading water right at the spot I’d jump in. You were silently telling me that you were there and you would have my back.”
“Always. I’ll always have your back.”
“I remember the wind in my hair, the feeling of the rope in my hands. I remember the smell on the air and the nerves knocking around in my stomach. Mostly though, I remember you. You telling me how proud you were of me after I jumped, you teasing me about the look of euphoria on my face as I did so. We laughed and you took my hand and pulled me to the swing to do it again.”
“I remember that day.”
“When I look back on that day it isn’t overcoming my fear that I remember the most, although that certainly occurred with your support, but what stands out even more is that I fell in love with you that day.” I smile and his eyes widen. “I should say I feel in love with you again, because since the day we met I’ve spent various times through the years falling in love with you again and again.”
He doesn’t respond with words, he responds with action. He cups my face, presses his forehead against mine. Then his lips find mine and he kisses me like he’s been waiting forever to do so. He kisses me like he couldn’t wait to get his lips on mine. I’m immediately lost in him until clarity somehow reappears and I pull away.
Oliver’s displeasure at my distance is clear given the frown on his face, “I want to be with you, Remy,” he says softly. “I don’t want to waste any more time. And I know the future is uncertain. But no more now than it ever is; life does not provide any guarantees. But one thing is certain…I have the chance to love you now and I intend to do so.”
“I want to be with you too. I’ve always wanted to be with you, but-”
“No,” he shakes his head, “there’s no ‘but’. We both love each other and we’ve wasted too much time.”
“I’m sorry, but there is.” I sit back and take a deep breath. “This isn’t fair to you. Allowing something, anything to happen when my future is so…” I shake my head, “It’s not right.”
He takes my hands in his and smiles, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. “I’m going to state again that I want you to choose to talk to your doctor about options. To see what can be done, what the potential side effects are, what we’re looking at-” I start to interrupt and he squeezes my hands and shakes his head. “I know that you are very aware of the things you could potentially experience. I know that you know it better than anyone given what you’ve experienced with your mother, but I would like us to ask anyway because things for you may be different. But, here’s the thing. I love you enough to support you and be by your side no matter what you choose. Whichever decision you decide has to come from you. As your mother would say, you’ve got to determine the reasons for both options. You can’t base your decision on other people’s opinions and I’ll be honest, part of me wants you to do what I want you to do, but I love the person that you are and that means respecting your choices as well.”
My eyes fill with tears, “But, Oliver-”
“I already said, no buts. I want you to respect my choice too and my choice is to love you and be with you for as long as we both shall live.”
I choke on a sob and he pulls me into his arms. My heart feels like it’s going to explode. He’s handing me everything I’ve ever wanted – him. Wiping my eyes, I look at him and confess, “I didn’t think this would ever happen.”
“I’ve been stupid. I wish I hadn’t waited so long.”
“No, I understand. As you know, I never spoke up about my feelings either. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship either. I thought for sure you had to know how I felt though.”
“Sometimes I thought so, once I thought I knew so, but I wasn’t brave enough to risk it or potentially lose you if I screwed something up.”
He reaches for my face once more, kisses my forehead, the tip of my nose, my cheek and then drags his mouth to my lips. He kisses me firmly, as if he’s desperate for my touch. He waits for me to open for him and when I do he makes his feelings clear with a kiss. It’s intense, toe-curling and feels like a dream. When he pulls away, I grin. “I think I could use some cooling off. Join me?” I stand and slide the straps from my jumper down my shoulders and remove it completely revealing my red swimsuit underneath. I know it’s a stunner. It’s a one-piece suit but it features a high cut leg and a plunging neckline that laces up. I take complete pleasure in the widening of Oliver’s eyes and smile before turning and running to the water.
My toes barely touch the water when he catches up to me, “Hey, not fair. How about a little warning first.”
“Warning? For what?”
“Before you take off your clothes and look like that.”
Laughing I roll my eyes, “Come on.”
We wade out into the water slowly. There are waves here but they are much more tame than at our hotel. “The bellhop, Chris, told me it’s safe to swim here, that locals do all the time. He said they have bonfires here sometimes at night too which explains the ashes on the beach back there,” he points behind us.
