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I’m nervous. I was doing okay until I called to make the appointment and they connected me to a nurse. She seemed relived to hear from me. She mentioned that they’ve been trying to reach me for several days and I hadn’t returned their calls. When I asked her why they had been trying to reach me, instead of answering, she connected me with the front desk to make an appointment for the next day. Typical. I didn’t push though since an appointment was why I was calling in the first place.
“Stop picking and biting the side of your nails,” Oliver says pulling my hand away from my mouth.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.”
“I know, but you’re destroying them. And you’re bleeding.” He hands me a tissue and feeling rightfully chastised I wipe the blood from my finger and begin bouncing my knee in nervousness instead since clearly chewing on my finger is out.”
“It’s going to be okay. No matter what.”
I nod, “I know.”
“Remy?” The nurse with a chart in her hand calls my name and Oliver and I stand. It feels strange, as everyone else in the office looks our way as we walk to the door she’s holding open. I know it’s human nature but I feel like I’m in a circus, “Step right up folks and take a look at the bearded lady. The bearded lady with breast cancer.”
Pushing the thought from my mind I grip Oliver’s hand and attempt a smile for the nurse.
After she directs me to the scale and records my weight, she leads me to the exam room and takes my vitals. We aren’t waiting long before Dr. Peters walks into the room.
“Hello, Remy. We’ve been trying to reach you by phone for several days.”
Brow furrowing I look at Oliver to find he’s got his own furrowing going on from his chair in the room. Concern is clear on his face and my stomach begins churning. “I was out of the state. The nurse mentioned the same thing. Why? Is something wrong?”
“How are you feeling?” he asks avoiding the question which only amps my anxiety up another notch.
“I’m feeling good. Nice and rested after a little getaway.”
“That’s good. You look good.” He takes a seat on the stool and takes a deep breath. “I’ve had my office try to reach you because if you recall when you left my office the last time, we still hadn’t received your final biopsy results, but given your blood test results, family history, the malignant tumor in your breast, I was fairly certain of the results we would receive on the biopsy from your lymph nodes.” I try to decipher the expression on his face but am unable.
My stomach drops further, “Yes, I do recall that.”
“The reason I’ve been trying to reach you is because the results from that biopsy came in as well.”
I nod because there’s no way I could speak a word if I wanted to. I’m fairly certain I’m holding my breath. Oliver leaves the chair he was sitting in and instead comes to stand beside me and reaches for my hand holding it tight in his own. I look at him quickly and while I know there’s concern laced in my eyes there’s also love there - love and also gratitude for the fact that I’m not alone.
“The results were negative.”
It takes a moment for his words to sink in. There’s complete and utter silence in the room and I stare at him blankly. “What?”
“The results from your lymph’s came back benign. There is no cancer in your lymph nodes.”
Oliver’s grip on my hand is so tight I almost whimper with the pain, but the absolute joy I’m experiencing is far more impactful than the squeeze.
“Wow. I mean. Wow. I – I - don’t even… I don’t know…” I start to cry.
“We’ll still have to contend with the breast cancer but the fact that it’s localized is great news. I still recommend a mastectomy with reconstructive surgery so that we can be sure we eliminate all the cancer at the source, but this is a far less invasive procedure and while a little scary, can possibly put you in remission quickly. I still suggest doing a round of chemotherapy afterward, but I think we can reevaluate the need for radiation after chemotherapy. I’d like you to see a radiation oncologist to garner his opinion as well. And I can provide the name of the surgeon I’d recommend, unless you have someone in mind. Assuming that’s the route you want to take.”
Nodding, I say quietly. “It wasn’t. But it is now.” I look at Oliver and I smile only to find that tears are silently rolling down his cheeks too.
“I’m going to give you both a moment and then I’ll be back so we can discuss this further.”
He slips out of the room and Oliver immediately takes me in his arms and smacks a loud kiss on my mouth. “I can’t believe it.”
“Me either. I’m in shock.”
“Are you sure you want to do this? Still? Even knowing that he’s painting a different picture than what you were expecting?”
“Yes. I already told you that I found my reason – and I’m going to make it happen. Plus, as a bonus, there’s you. Oliver, I get more time with you.”
“We will make the most of every single minute, of every single day. As long as we both shall live.”
“As long as we both shall live,” I repeat, remembering him saying the same thing in Hawaii. “I can’t wait.”
He picks me up in his arms and right there in the doctor’s office, oblivious to everything but the two of us, he swings me around and cheers loudly all while I laugh. I may have cancer, I may have a tough surgery and recovery in front of me, but that’s not who I am. It doesn’t define me nor will I give cancer the right to determine my journey, the life I’m choosing to live – I can clearly see my path now and I won’t allow anything, including myself to become an obstacle. I was meant for more.
