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“Ah, a challenge,” he smirks. He looks away from me and I can see the wheels turning. His smirk becomes a full-fledged smile that immediately makes me leery. “Oh no, what are you concocting?”
“Let’s do it.”
“Do what?”
“Tell me. If there is one thing on your list that you would do right now if there was nothing holding you back, what would it be?”
“Why?”
He rolls his eyes and it almost makes me laugh, “Just answer me, sunshine. What’s the first thing that comes to mind?”
“Nothing holding me back?”
“Nothing. Not finances, work, logistics – nothing.”
“If I could do anything right now, I’d want to go to the beach. I want to swim in the ocean, feel the sand under my feet and the sun on my face. Just like my mom and I always talked about doing.”
“I thought that’s what you’d say. So, let’s do it. I know you’ve never seen the ocean before, so let’s catch that dream. Together.”
Against my better judgment excitement makes tiny flutters in my belly, but there’s no way he’s serious. No way that he would or could go away with me. There’s work and of course his girlfriend. I shake my head, “Very funny.”
“I’m not joking.”
The look on his face certainly lacks humor. Crossing my arms I frown, “When? How?” He raises one brow in silent question; a skill I’ve never mastered but envy.
“When would you want to go?” he challenges.
I surprise myself by blurting, “Now. I’d leave now if I could.”
His face registers surprise, “Now? I like it, but that won’t work.”
“See!” I throw my arms up in the air and then regret it knowing I look like a child. I guess I don’t regret it that much because I still manage to say, “I told you so.”
“We need to see what treatment you need first and get started on that. Then we can ask the doctor how soon after that you can get away.” My face falls and the hope that was stirring in my belly turns sour. “Don’t look like that, sunshine. You have to know that’s my first priority. It’s important.”
“Is it wrong that I want to take some time to process this? Or take some days where I don’t have to think about it at all?”
“The sooner you begin treatment, the sooner-”
“I don’t know if I want treatment!” I blurt out. I didn’t intend to yell it, but there it is, the truth finally spoken out loud.
“What?” He’s becomes still; the only movement from his eyes as they track me while I take the notebook to my desk and put it back inside the drawer. I never should have taken it out and gone through it to begin with. No good comes from remembering. Before I turn back to look at him, I take a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for how I know he will feel about this.
“I don’t know if I want treatment. I haven’t decided. I thought maybe you’d read between the lines when I was talking earlier about my mom. But, I’m considering that as an option. I need to think about it.”
“That’s not an option,” he says.
“Yes, it absolutely is,” I state firmly.
“Why?” he whispers and his voice falters. “Why would you choose that?”
“You know why. I don’t want to take chemo and radiation and get sick. I’d have no energy, be sick every day, lose all my hair, or become a shell of the person I used to be.”
“If that’s what it takes, Remy, then so be it.”
“My mom was desperate to give herself another week, another month, another day and sure, it worked for a little while – emphasis on little. But like I said before and as you very well know, she died anyway. It came back and took her in the end. All that time, all those days lost when she could have been living her life and crossing items off her damn list.”
“Like I said, you don’t know that it will be the same for you!”
