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Josie
I couldn’t meet his eyes. It hurt too damn much. I’d just become everything I hated. I was now just another notch on Evan’s bedpost. Just another girl scoring the hockey player. Just another fucking puck bunny.
God, I was stupid.
This didn’t mean to him what it meant to me. Deep in my heart, I knew it. No matter how perfect, how amazing, how loved I felt in the moment; it wasn’t the same for him.
“Talk to me, JoJo,” he whispered against my skin as his lips kissed away my tears, only making me cry harder. “Please.”
I wrapped my arms around him again and kissed him for what would be the final time with every ounce of desperation I had left surging through my soul. Evan tried to pull away, but I kept my arms tight around him; I needed him to be close to me. The tension eased from his body, and he kissed me back with the same fervor. It didn’t last long before his body shifted, and he settled beside me.
Then he broke the kiss.
“No.” That was all he said as he held my face in his strong hands.
It crushed me. There was no other way to describe it. Those two letters landed on my chest and shattered me to a million pieces. Again. My sob caught in my throat. My stomach rolled, and I pulled away, pressing my hand over my mouth.
“Talk to me.”
I shook my head. What was the point? Why talk when I knew he’d just say no again and again? God, this was torture. My very soul was destroyed in a way I didn’t think was possible.
Evan’s fingers gripped my chin, and he forced me to look at him. “Damn it, Jocelyn. Don’t shut down on me. Not now. Not after what we just did. I’m confused, and I don’t know why you’re crying. Those aren’t your happy tears. You’re upset. So talk to me, baby. Tell me why so I can try to fix it.”
“How can you fix it?” I whispered through the tears, and he continued to kiss them away.
“How can I not at least try?” He rolled onto his side, pulling me against him. “We can fix anything together, right?”
“But we’re not together.” I swallowed the boulder in my throat, the words physically paining me as they passed my lips.
“We’re not?” He lifted my chin and kissed my nose. “I kind of thought that was a show of solidarity.”
I almost laughed at that, but nothing about this was funny. My heart had been shredded once and then smashed and shredded again, all in less than four hours. “I didn’t want that to be a show of solidarity, Evan. I want… It doesn’t matter now. You can say you screwed me. Add me to list. I will never regret it, but I can’t watch you keep adding to your total.” I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me, and the tighter his arms held on, the more my body involuntarily relaxed into his.
“You know I don’t have actual notches on my bedpost, right?” He kissed my forehead, then my temple, holding me closer as a bit of laughter rumbled in his chest.
“Not a time for jokes.” I leaned back, but all that did was roll me onto my back since he wouldn’t let me go, and Evan rolled with me, forcing me to look up at him.
“JoJo, after what we just did, I’m throwing that metaphorical bed out. No more notches.” He rolled back again, pulling me on top of him. His hands caressed up and down my back, then over my ass. I loved his touch so much. “Jesus, you’re so fucking beautiful.”
“Wait. No more notches?” I ignored the pity comment about my looks. His hands continued to smooth over my skin, leaving goosebumps behind that I wished would never leave. Every inch of me came alive as he touched me. “What do you mean?”
He smiled, and I really looked into his eyes. They were hungry, full of desire and need. And something else I had longed to see for years. “I mean you and me. Together. Like a real couple thingy. Like you want.”
“But not like you want?” I pushed myself up and away from his chest and climbed off the bed, grabbing the nearest shirt from the floor. It was too big, and when I looked down, it was the simple dark gray tee Evan had worn over. It was still damp and smelled like fresh rain, sweat, and sandalwood.
He sat up and reached for me, but I stepped out of his way, putting some space between us. Like you want. Now I wasn’t just a puck bunny, I was a pity fuck. I had to have imagined that look in his eye, the one that made me believe he might love me too.
But he didn’t love me.
He loved sex.
That’s why he looked at me like that, because he cared about me enough to enjoy what we just did. That’s all it was. We were best friends. There’s always platonic love between best friends.
“What are you talking about?” He glanced around the bed, confusion marring his face. “I thought you wanted us together, like a real couple. Now you’re saying no?”
“Evan, I love you, and I want to be with you, but not if it makes you miserable.” I shook my head and paced the length of the bed, stepping over discarded shoes and books I’d left lying around. He pulled the condom off, tying it off, and dropped it in the trash by my bed. My stomach rolled with frustration. “Not because it’s what I want.”
“I never said it would make me miserable.” He stood up completely naked and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re making shit up.”
