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Yikes.
Ty
I stood in the back in full dress uniform where the trees offered dappled light to help me blend in. I stayed a distance away from the grieving family and friends. I had no wish to bring any attention to myself. I was thankful the temperature in Washington was cool with fall quickly approaching, and I was ready for its return.
My buddy Kit Moore spotted me and made a curious face as to why I hadn’t gone to stand with the rest of them. I shook my head and looked away. I’d been asked to be a pallbearer by Brown’s mother, but I’d respectfully declined her offer a few days back. I didn’t feel I was worthy of such a role. After all, I hadn’t returned her son to her. If she only knew.
I understood the need for a funeral and for closure, but the knowledge that the six-foot-one casket was about to be laid to rest empty nearly tore me apart. A part of Brown was still out there, and that haunted me.
The gunshots rang out and I swallowed the knot that was lodged in my throat. With the sound of each shot, the guilt inside me grew. It was as if my friend was being shot over and over in my mind, and I could only stand there and try to bear it. I knew I needed to let it go, knew I needed to do it for my own sanity. I made myself a deal as I stood there. When I returned to Shadows, I’d double up my sessions with Doc Roberts. I knew I needed to shed this awful pain if I was ever going to be able to focus and move forward.
My eyes followed Moore as he hugged some of Brown’s family members then made his way to the coffin. He reached out and squeezed the dog tags we’d ripped from our friend’s neck as we ran to escape the Taliban. Frank had returned the belongings to his family shortly after we arrived back on US soil. I thought about the bottle of whiskey I’d brought home in my bag. I knew it was ours to savor. I had already broken the seal, but I waited to have a drink with Moore once he arrived. We’d save the last drink for our friend and be at peace with all this. I only hoped that day would come.
Mom approached and tentatively reached out to touch one of the medals on my uniform then looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I hunched my shoulders and leaned down as she put her arms around them and brought me into a hug.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” A sob caught in her throat. I’d known this conversation was coming. “We spent that whole dinner with you in Montana, and you never mentioned it. Not even once.”
“I wasn’t ready.” I kissed her cheek and looked over at Brown’s parents. “I’m still not.”
“I just wish you’d share more of what’s in here.” She pulled back and placed her hand on my chest. “I hope you at least talk to Kit. You boys have always been so close.” She dabbed the corners of her eyes. I always found it odd when people used Moore’s first name. To me, he was always Moore.
“Dad.” Shelly came to my rescue. Thank God for sisters. She gave him a pointed look, and he gently moved Mom aside and gave me a hug.
“It’s hard not to worry, son,” he whispered. I made a mental note to try to communicate better with them. I couldn’t understand why I seemed unable to share things with them. I knew I didn’t want them to worry, but it was more than that. It was like I had a mental block when I was around them.
“Hey.” Shelly moved close as Dad walked Mom to the car. She just stood and looked up at me for a moment. “Have you spoken to his parents yet?” We both looked over to Brown’s mom where she stood with her husband. She held tight to his arm like an anchor.
“Only when I told her I didn’t want to be a pallbearer.” I felt horrible over that.
“Ouch.” She winced.
“Yeah.”
“What about Ivy?” That threw me for a loop, and I stared down at her in surprise. “I stayed behind at Zack’s. She’s really nice, Ty.”
“Why am I only hearing about this now?” With that, she shot me a look, and I knew she had me. I never call.
“We can talk about Brown or Ivy. Your pick.” She shrugged.
“She’s good,” I muttered and felt uneasy I hadn’t known Ivy had talked with Shelly. I didn’t share well, and this felt strange.
“Are you two dating?”
“I don’t know.” I really wasn’t sure exactly what we were at this point.
“Okay.” She nodded. “Well, all I’ll say is this. Ivy seems a hell of a lot more stable than Demi.”
“Agreed.” I nodded and scanned the faces around me. I wished I could catch Moore’s eye and get him to step in with my sister. He was the chatty one, not me.
“Then why haven’t you cut Demi loose?”
“I tried.”
“No, you didn’t.” She rolled her eyes. “She’s like a golden retriever. Doesn’t matter how many times you throw the ball, she’ll keep coming back for more, until you shut the damn door on her. So do it. Tell her you’ve moved on to, I don’t know, Ivy.”
“Shelly,” I warned. I didn’t want to have this conversation here. I didn’t want it at all.
“I’m just trying to prep you.”
