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“You know that is not true.” I tried to console her. My words didn’t get very far, and my conviction wasn’t enough to fight it back.
“Yeah, but it kind of is, isn't it? He's going to get married, and I'll probably never see him. You know how that goes. He will be all wrapped up in his family and forget all about me.”
I never realized how alarming that must be for her. I never had someone that I was so close to, so I honestly didn't understand it. That's kind of sad too because they had been my siblings for a very long time. Why could I never understand why they were the way they were? I knew that they had a strong bond, but it didn't mean that I understood it. I just knew that it wasn't something that I had. My jealousy over it was likely why I never spent much time thinking about it.
“Just because he is getting married, doesn't mean that he's not going to still be your twin. Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. It’s just part of growing up.”
“Do you think so?” Ashley asked with sad hope in her eyes. She looked downright ridiculous, but I certainly wasn't going to say anything along those lines. While I didn't understand her loss, I knew that it was quite big for her. I had to keep that in mind to avoid being flippant about it. Whether I saw it as a big deal or not really didn't matter. She certainly did.
“I think that you just need to talk to Ashton. If you tell him what you are worried about, I am sure that he will help you to see that you have nothing to worry about. You guys are so close, I can’t see this ending the way you are talking about.” I meant that too.
I really hated to see her this way, and I wished that there was something that I could say or do to make her feel better. I needed to find her someone to date so that she wouldn't be quite so desperate. Maybe that's why she hadn't found anybody just yet. I honestly couldn't say what it was, but I did know that she was a beautifully imperfect person. If anybody should be happy, it was her.
“Once I get to feeling a little bit better, we'll go out again and find you someone to keep your mind occupied,” I assured her.
Ashley shook her head. “I don't know if I am ready to go to a bar after what happened with you. Maybe that was a wakeup call for both of us. Maybe I'm supposed to stay local. Or, maybe I should just not date at all. That was scary, Lara. You should have seen you.”
I shrugged. I couldn’t see what she and Nicholas had seen, but the way that they acted about it, I suppose that it was pretty intense.
Trying to get her out of the bad bits, I asked her who she had in mind.
Ashley looked at me strange for a moment and then said that I might not like the answer. I think I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say, and she was right, I didn't like it, but it didn't stop me from saying anything about it.
“Maybe I am supposed to be with Nicholas.”
I just kind of looked at her for a moment. I didn't know what to say. I was trying to imagine that she hadn't just said that, but I knew it was true. I saw the way she was looking at him before. It was bad enough when I thought it was true, even worse when it was proven to be true. What was I supposed to say to that? Here I was one minute wanting to have a relationship with my sister, the next I wanted to scratch her eyes out.
“Nicholas? Why would you want to be with him?”
“Have you seen him?” Ashley said flippantly.
I could feel rage filling me up. She was talking about MY Nicholas. Didn’t she know that he was off limits? “I have seen him. I don't get where you're going with that.”
She told me that I wasn't a very good liar. I knew that she was right. I had imminently felt a knot in my stomach when she said his name in that way. The last thing that I wanted was for the two of them to ever get together. It was quite honestly a nightmare to even think about it.
“You know that we have history, right?”
“Of course, but that was a long time ago and like you said, you're not interested,” Ashley said it in the sweetest way. I still wanted to take her out. Why was she talking about Nicholas, of all the men?
I couldn’t help but stare. Was she serious? I wasn't sure if she was messing with me or what. I didn't like this though. I hoped that she was messing with me. She either really didn't see the problem with it and I certainly did, or she was just messing with me and I didn't like that idea either. I finally asked her if that was what she was doing. I did not know what to think about her with the man I was in love with. He had just made me feel so good not that long ago. I wasn't going to be able to just forget about it.
“Well, all you had to do is say so. I won't try anything with him,” Ashley had an innocent grin on her face. She wanted me to admit it. Fine.
I asked her if she thought she could get his attention like that. She had a mysterious look, and I couldn't tell what was on her mind. I knew what was on mine, nothing good.
“Come on, Lara, you know he's still in love with you. I guess I was trying to get you to see that you were both being ridiculous. Life is short and the two of you should be together. He should have never left. I think things would have been a lot better if he hadn't, for both of you.”
I sighed in relief and aggravation. “Why would you mess with me like that?”
“Like I said, you need to see how in love with him you are. If you would stop lying to yourself and to him, you could already be together. The two of you have something that is beautiful. Why would you want to ruin it?” Ashley asked. I was left without words. She was right. What was I thinking playing around with it at all? Nicholas was who I wanted.
I had never heard Ashley get so sentimental before. She obviously had something on her mind and her declaration had more to do with what was going on with her than it did with me and Nicholas, but she made me think as well. Here I was playing games like I didn't want Nicholas. I did, obviously. I didn't know why I pretended I didn't. It was a waste of time, honestly. I wanted Nicholas, and I had a feeling that he was the only man that was going to make me feel as good as he did. I had never felt for anyone else what I felt for Nicholas, that couldn’t be a coincidence. There really was no one else for me but him.
11
Nicholas
There was a note left on my bed the next day, asking me for a date and thanking me for helping her. I didn’t know what to say to it, though I didn’t have a chance to say anything at all. She was gone, and I was just left with this note and the smell of her still on my sheets. I figured it would be a while before I changed them.
