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“Does looking at someone and knowing they kill people get easier? Does trying to figure out how a person can be a murderer and one of the best people you’ve ever known ever start to make sense? Because it doesn’t for me, and I don’t know if it ever will.”
Camila bites her bottom lip. “I wish that I had the answer you’re looking for, but I don’t. The truth is that it never becomes easier. Christian isn’t the kind of man who gets a thrill out of taking care of business, but he does what he has to. A lot of stuff happened when we were younger, and he swore that he would protect the people who follow him with all he has to offer.”
“And what about the people he drags into his life just because he can?” I hate the way my voice breaks.
I don’t want to cry in front of Camila. There is no way that she won’t tell Christian how much this bothers me.
Camila turns to face me, crossing her legs beneath her. “Christian is a good man. I know you see that. He brought you into this life to protect the people he swore he would protect, but he’s giving you a good life. And I see the way he looks at you. There is no way that he doesn’t spend time doting on you.”
“He does.” I sigh and wipe away the few tears that fall. “And I don’t know what that means either. We’re supposed to be starting this relationship over as friends but neither of us seems to be able to do that. It keeps seeming like more, even though it feels like that could be a bad idea sometimes.”
“Have you talked to him about this?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“I think you need to talk to him. Christian is a grown man. He can deal with being a little hurt. He needs to know that you’re struggling with this.”
My chest constricts at the thought of trying to have that conversation with him.
Even though Christian is nothing but understanding most of the time, this feels like something that will hurt him.
He’s doing his best to make this feel like home. But there’s still a part of me that feels distant from this life.
“Keeping this secret and dealing with this life is only going to get harder when you become a famous musician and put yourself in the public eye. You need to figure out if this is something that you can do.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. “You make it sound so much simpler than it is.”
Camila chuckles and reaches out to squeeze my knee. “You’re going to get through this, but you and Christian need to have an honest conversation with each other. No more sweeping things under the rug and pretending that it doesn’t exist.”
“When did you get so wise?” My tone is teasing as I try to lighten the mood.
Camila laughs and shrugs. “I fell in love with one of the guys in the cartel. Things didn’t work. There were a lot of things standing in the way for us. I don’t want to see some of those same things stand in your way when I know you could be happy with my brother.”
“I’ll talk to him about everything going on,” I say, stretching out my legs in front of me. “I don’t think I can focus on writing music anymore today, though. Not while knowing what he’s out there doing.”
“What do you say we go inside and watch a movie for a bit? After that, we can get ready for the party tonight.”
I raise an eyebrow as she gets up and leads the way to the door. “There’s a party tonight?”
“At the trainyard. It’s one we have every year to celebrate being together as a cartel. You’re one of us now. You have to come.”
“Alright,” I say as we leave the studio and head to the main house. “Movie and a party it is.”
As we head back to the house, I try to let go of everything worrying me for just one night, even though it seems like an impossible task.
21
CHRISTIAN
Zoe tucks her hands into the back pockets of her painted-on jeans while she stands beside Camila at the entrance to the trainyard. There’s a smile on her face, but it doesn’t meet her eyes.
I know I shouldn’t have told her that I had to leave earlier. I should have come up with some excuse for why I had to leave in the middle of the day when I was supposed to be off and relaxing with her.
Except I won’t lie to her. I won’t be like her father and conceal the world we live in with a shroud of lies.
I have to be transparent with her because I get the feeling that very few people are.
I weave through the crowd to get to them, grinning as I nod hello to several people.
