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Such a stupid little incident. Such a little scratch in my deeply wounded heart, and yet it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “And yet you did.”
“I’m truly sorry, wife. And you’re right to be upset at him. People’s value should never be their social standing. You’re right to be upset that a man turned something beautiful into a commercial transaction. Two people together, even if it’s a fleeting moment, if it’s not deep, is a beautiful connection, not something that can be bought.”
The more he speaks, the worse I feel. “I don’t want to hear your opinion about it, Marlak.” My voice is a rough, unpolished hiss. “Use your magic to wipe it from your mind.”
He shifts, a shadow covering his face. “That’s the magic I most wish I had, Astra.” There’s so much sadness in his voice. “It doesn’t work like that. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you want me to kill him?”
“No!” Does he think he’s being helpful? “I could have slipped into his room and slashed his throat, I could have poisoned his food, I could have strangled him. If I wanted him dead, he’d be dead already, but I’m not going to sully my soul for such an insignificant worm.”
“My soul’s already filthy, I could?—”
“I can take care of my problems!” I don’t want to hear his apologies, his offer to kill the stupid commander. I don’t need his pity. “And he wasn’t even a problem.” I hate, hate, hate bringing this up, discussing this, admitting the truth. “I was stupid, and the mistake is mine.”
“Frankly, I disagree. All you expected was some respect.” I want to interrupt him, make him stop speaking, stop bringing this up, but it seems every time I open my mouth it gets worse, so I let him continue. “Everyone deserves respect. You couldn’t have known he was so vile. Sometimes we need to smell people’s stench to realize how rotten they are. The issue is we only notice it from up close.” Marlak takes a deep breath. “And I’m sorry. For breeching your privacy. Truly sorry.”
“What about goading me? Won’t you apologize for that?”
His eyes have an odd sparkle. “Astra, you should have seen you. Seen the magic you can wield, seen how strong you are. Why do you hide yourself? Why do you bury your powers?”
I’m not sure if I chuckle or choke. “Isn’t the answer obvious?”
“Because humans don’t allow magic except with beacon stones? Because they don’t want anyone who’s not royal having it? You don’t live in Krastel anymore. You’re my wife, and you can be as strong as you want. You don’t need to pretend you’re small anymore. You don’t need to hide.”
I’m still trembling, still wondering what he’s going to do with the rest of the information he just got. “You think the fae won’t mind?”
“Do you think they notice who has and who doesn’t have beacon stones? Do you think they tally which humans have magic?”
Does he understand it? Or is he pretending to be obtuse on purpose? “You think they won’t mind what I am?”
“A human with magic? Why would they mind it?”
I stare at him. He hasn’t mentioned darksoul or Tiurian. “You know why,” I whisper.
“Astra, somehow they made you afraid of your strength. It’s a smart strategy, for sure. But the stronger you are, the less you’ll have to fear, the less you’ll be in danger. You should never fear your magic, never fear yourself. Your light magic, it’s beautiful. Magnificent. I bet you truly believe it’s only faith, and not your own magic, but it has to be a combination of both. The more you know yourself, the less vulnerable you’ll be.”
I try to be more direct. “The Tiurian Kingdom has fought the fae.”
He blinks, then frowns, as if confused. “What do the Tiurians have to do with this? And if you look far enough in the past, everyone has fought everyone.”
Do I have to spell out everything? I suppose I do, even though I can feel a bitter taste in my mouth. “In Krastel, they kill humans with magic, thinking they’re darksouls.”
“They’re ignorant.”
Ignorant. Has he truly not noticed what I did? Has he not realized why I hide my magic? I swallow and stare at the river, taking notice of my surroundings. “Why did you bring us to this other island?”
“Why?” He has a light chuckle. “Tonight, when you sleep safe from the elements, you’ll be glad I didn’t let you destroy your tent.”
I don’t have any smart reply. How thoughtful crosses my mind, but the truth is that it was thoughtful, and indeed, in my rage, I don’t think I would have noticed a tent—or anything else.
He adds, “It’s good to let go of your anger, Astra, instead of letting it poison you.”
“No. I could have destroyed the tent—and hurt you.” In truth, I’m ashamed of my outburst, ashamed to think I could have wounded someone during my lunatic lapse of consciousness.
“You didn’t attempt anything I couldn’t block.” He shakes his head and chuckles. “It was good practice. We should do it more often.”
Of course I couldn’t beat him. I was using his magic. A small fraction of it, but still his magic. Didn’t he recognize it? Didn’t he notice me cutting his hand? Drinking his blood?
I can still taste it, its sweet, metallic tang. I wish I could drown in it, drown and stop feeling, stop hurting for things that shouldn’t even hurt. I wish I could drink it all and deprive him of his evil magic that lets him snatch my most private secrets. There’s no more blood coming out of his thin cut, though.
