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She sighed, her eyes facing out the window. “Enzo and my father would have preferred you met me, then formally went to them to request permission to court me, after which you would take me out on dates where you would barely touch my hand as though we were in the 1600s, and then after an appropriate time request my hand in marriage. That’s not what we did now, is it?”
I winced slightly at the tension in her voice. There was no way it could have been that bad, right? Surely, a lot of it must have been an exaggeration.
“We had sex the day we met…as strangers. I am currently pregnant, and we did not get married first! Do you know how they will react?”
“Look, I know it might be difficult,” I tried again. “Trust me, I saw a different version of Enzo in Tuscany. He is my best friend, however. I think it’s really terrible not to tell him what’s going on. What kind of a friend does that make me?”
She turned to look at me. Her eyes looked watery, which sent a stab of guilt down my spine. “I’m sorry,” I said hastily. “I didn’t mean to force the issue. I—”
“It’s not your fault,” she said, cutting me off. She looked at me like she wanted to tell me something. I waited and listened attentively, and just when I thought she would let it out, she slumped back in her seat, wiping her eyes.
I kept my eyes on the road, and we continued the drive in silence. “I’m sorry,” I said again, not knowing what I was apologizing for.
“You don’t understand,” she replied quietly. “No one does.”
I pressed my lips together, sorely regretting my words. Alessia was right. I didn’t understand. I was privileged to have been born into an unproblematic family, so there were many things I could not understand, like the struggles of women, people of color, and not even people who came from fractured families.
Back in university, I could not understand the hatred some of my classmates had for their siblings, seeing them as nothing but rivals for an inheritance. Thale and I had always been close, and our bond was unshakable. I could not understand the strain they felt toward their parents for hounding them to be perfect, since my parents never hounded us and gave us nothing but support.
In the same way, I could not understand the circumstances of the girl who had her financial support cut off in school because she realized she had no feelings for men. My parents would not have cared who Thale and I chose to love if we had turned out to be different, so I could not understand what was wrong with her parents.
In the same way, I could not understand how Alessia must have felt growing up in a family where her relationships were policed. If I had a sister, I would not try to police her relationships, nor would anyone in my family.
I really couldn’t understand, so I should not have spoken.
15
Alessia
“Oh really? When?”
“Not sure yet,” I replied. “In a day or two if the plans don’t change.”
“That’s wonderful,” Louise said. “It feels like months since we last saw you.”
“I know, right?” I said. “I kinda left in a hurry, and everything just spun around pretty fast ever since. Truth be told, I can’t believe it’s been two weeks already, either.”
“You know what they say,” Rachel said. “Time flies when you’re having fun.” She winked and snickered.
“You’re terrible,” I replied, laughing. “Gotta go, guys. I’ll let you know as soon as I’m back.”
“You better,” Jenna said from the bottom left of my screen. “We love you, and we miss you.”
“Aw. Love you too. Bye, guys.”
I disconnected the call and tossed my phone to the side. I glanced at the traveling bag on my bed and the clothes strewn about. I hated packing for a trip, and this time was no different. I stared at the clothes for a long time, then bundled them back into the closet.
I was returning to Paris, not to live, but to clear out my space there. The last thing I needed was extra baggage to make my job harder. I thought about what it meant to leave Paris behind. I remembered buying the one-way train ticket from Milan all those years ago. It had been an attempt to escape from my brutal father and brother. Paris had given me my first real friends, a home, and a sense of freedom. It was the first time I had truly felt alive.
I remembered my first date. I had been so nervous that I spent the whole date looking over his shoulder, glancing around like a wanted fugitive. I was almost certain Enzo would appear in the restaurant, his expression hard and eyes cold, and descend on the lanky artist I had met at a fair in Normandy.
Nothing had happened, of course. One date became two, and one day, we ended up drunk and naked in my bed. I remembered how allowing a man to touch me for the first time had felt. Antoine hesitated when I said as much, disbelief stark on his face.
“You’re sure you want to do this?” he asked, concerned.
“I’ve never been surer of anything in my entire life,” I replied, pulling him close and guiding him into my wetness.
That night opened a whole new world for me. While Antoine fell in love with me and wanted more to happen between us, I had no desire to settle so quickly into an exclusive relationship. It was almost as if I had lived my whole life like a caged animal and then was released into the wild. I wanted to experience life to the fullest, and a monogamous relationship sounded a lot like what I was running away from when I left Italy.
