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“So naming him makes it harder.”
“Makes what harder?” Raider asked as they stopped at the edge of their campsite.
“Throwing him away. Not caring who has him next. I can’t care then suddenly not care. It doesn’t work that way. Not for me.”
Seth didn’t know at what point he’d stopped talking about the horse and started talking about … other things, but Raider had clearly tracked the shift. He took in Seth’s words in silence—a silence that grew heavy.
Then Raider said quietly, “I see.”
“You can do it?” Seth asked. “Throw things away?”
“I don’t think like that. I focus on whatever pleasure I can find in the moment. I think you have to seek it, constantly. It’s the only way to balance the pain, which you don’t even have to look for. It always finds you on its own.”
The tent’s silvery arcane material was catching the last of the light, almost bright amid the dimness. It caught Seth’s eye, like a reminder of what they had done there together last night.
Looking at the tent instead of at Raider, Seth said, “But sometimes pleasure makes for pain later.”
“That’s true,” Raider admitted. “And you’re maybe better at planning for that than I am. But I do wonder if it really makes you happier.”
Seth swallowed hard. This was the moment when he needed to reach out, needed to initiate. He could tell that Raider wasn’t going to, not after what Seth had just said.
But Seth didn’t reach out, didn’t initiate. He was already in danger of feeling too much for Raider. He was afraid to make it worse.
Raider could have pushed him past that fear. Seth almost wished he would.
But Raider said, “Goodnight, Seth.”
And when Raider walked to his bedroll, Seth turned away and ducked into the tent, where Raider’s words would keep him awake long into the night.
CHAPTER 18
RAIDER LOVED TRAVELING with the Sudai: the constant movement, music and stories, good food, and laughter. All the things that had once saved his body and mind, maybe even his soul.
Over the past two days, Raider had gotten to hear about the past year of their lives. He’d grieved to hear of Gelae’s death in childbirth but had smiled to see the six-month old baby girl that had survived to become her father’s treasure. And he wished very much that he’d seen Kubat’s camel spit on the Husaali nobleman’s shoes. Everyone had wanted to tell him that story.
It felt good, the way the tribe welcomed him, teased him like Ahmet always did when he was in Shalaa. He felt light and happy. Mostly.
There was, of course, Seth.
Raider didn’t know what to think or how to feel about Seth. Raider had meant what he’d said about focusing on the pleasure of the moment. It was how he lived his life, and it was the very reason he’d gotten to enjoy such intense, fantastic sex with Seth. Every time Raider thought about how it had felt to have Seth’s cock inside him, how Seth had made him come when he’d gripped him so possessively, Raider got hard.
How could he regret that experience?
He couldn’t—but he also couldn’t deny that it scared the hell out of him that being with Seth, both during sex and after, had felt a little too damn right.
It scared the hell out of him that when he’d argued that sex hadn’t changed anything and Seth had replied, Yes, it has, Raider had wanted that.
Raider didn’t even quite know what that was. He only knew that Seth’s words had filled him with a deep, almost painful yearning.
Then there were Seth’s other words: I can’t care then suddenly not care. It doesn’t work that way. Not for me.
Did Seth mean that he cared about … Raider?
Raider wanted to say, No, it doesn’t mean that. It was easier, safer to deny it. Besides, caring had a lot of different levels. Raider wasn’t sure what level Seth had meant.
Raider wasn’t sure what level he wanted Seth to have meant. Because, even though Raider tried to live in the present, the future did loom on that eastern horizon. Where Aqarat would appear all too soon. Where they would go their separate ways.
Everything had gotten a little too complicated—as Seth had clearly predicted. So they’d both taken the easy route and had mostly avoided each other for the past two days.
