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“Bree,” I snapped, the anxiousness making me lash out like a caged animal. “Please, don’t. I’m fine.”
Ash eyed me with a sorrowful expression that was too much for me, and I turned to leave without even considering paying for my share of the meal.
“Fuck,” I said, my heart in some electric spasm, racing faster than a rabbit.
“It’s cool,” Avery said, directly on my heels to the point that I turned and nearly ran her over.
“I need to leave some cash,” I said.
“Bree is handling it. Let’s get you out of here,” Avery said, somehow picking up that I suddenly wasn’t going to make it.
“Don’t, Av,” I ordered her. I felt like I was in full-blown survival mode, praying that my mind would slow down and my lungs could breathe in the oxygen they so desperately were starved of.
I marched out of the restaurant, nearly plunging into the valets, unable to pull myself together enough to ask them to retrieve my car. I didn’t want to talk to anyone; I wanted to run. I wanted to be alone. I wanted fucking oxygen and peace.
Goddammit.
I had no idea how we got there, but Avery and I ended up on the top of a small hill overlooking the restaurant and parking lot. The grass was so cool compared to my body, which was scorching hot. I wanted to fall back on the ground and transfer this hot, horrible energy into the earth.
Instead of rolling in the grass like a piglet, I pulled my legs into my chest and collapsed over my knees. I inhaled and exhaled in silence, feeling tears streaming down my cheeks and allowing the sobs to become more than just silent.
I felt a warm hand on my back, and the rhythm it ran over me soothed me to my core.
“Thank you,” I said finally, after what felt like five minutes of sitting here and trying to pull myself together. “I promise I’m not a wreck like this. I don’t know where it came from. I’ve never been prone to panic.”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Avery’s scratchy voice said.
I sniffed and looked up at the trees that hung over where I sat. “Ugh,” I said, hanging onto the word. “Damn him for this.”
“How is she?” Bree questioned as she and Ashley walked up the hill.
“She is fine,” I said, tears still filling my eyes. “She’s probably going to call this place her home now, too.” I glanced around, seeing all the litter left behind by whoever had occupied this spot previously. “We really need to do something about the homeless problem here, you know?”
A lamp lighted Ashley’s expression in this quaint park-like area where I sat. “Well, we successfully have gone from you selling nearly ten million dollars’ worth in homes today to you believing we need to find homes for everyone.”
“It’s sad.” I looked around and wondered if there was a possibility my brother was among these dark shadows I saw off in the darker areas of the park. “There are so many people struggling, feeling like they’re drowning and can’t get to the surface for air.”
“I know the feeling,” Avery said. “While you may not be the type who panics, I have suffered from panic attacks for most of my life. It’s much better now, almost nonexistent, but they were constant and awful before I met Jim.”
“What seemed to calm them?” I questioned, desperate for answers so this never happened again.
“Getting back the control I’d lost in my life was the problem. At first, I believed it was the comfort of having Jim with me, but after I lost him for a time, I realized he was just another crutch I used to hide behind my fears.”
“Ha,” I rolled my eyes and looked to where my other two friends sat in front of me. “Well, I think it’s safe to say that Spencer will take no part in me having a crutch to get through the anxiety.”
“Your feelings for him, coupled with the pain he caused you and the trust he broke, is partly the reason for this,” Bree said fearlessly.
I grinned. “Sorry I mentioned him.”
“You hide from it, Nat,” Bree said. My closest friend in the group was saying what she’d been holding back for days. “You have got to stop doing this. You’re only hurting yourself and hiding from the issues. That is why you’re dealing with this panic, and Avery is correct. This stems from a loss of control. I won’t let you continue to bury this.”
I sighed, “But I’m making such good money by burying this and working instead.”
Ash chuckled. “If only money were the solution to our karmic problems.”
“Don’t you dare start going into the Universe, past lives, and karma on me, you little spirit chaser,” I teased.
“Hey,” she held her hands up, “take it for what it’s worth. The bottom line, karma or not, is that you have to face your issues, deal with them, learn from them, and heal from them.”
