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I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose while focusing on my breathing. Please let Knox and Sloane be safe. Please keep the Arrow team safe. Please let Knox come home safe and unharmed with Sloane. Please.
“You know, I’ve always thought Maria had the toughest role. Staying back home. It’s hard to keep your mind off what may or may not be happening. But like right now, I bet you they’re kicked back studying plans. Drone footage. Safe as can be. And here you are stressing yourself out.”
If something happens to Knox because I showed up here, I won’t be able to live with myself. Knox should have a full life in front of him. Why did Sam have to send me to someone I care about?
“You love him.” Felix says it like it’s a fact.
“Everybody loves Knox.” He’s got one of those smiles that warms people. More than that, he’s loaded with charisma. When he walks in a room, everyone takes note. When he speaks, they listen. He’s trustworthy and kind. And dependable. Just look what he’s done for me. The same traits that earned his place as Sam’s best friend are the traits that shine through to everyone.
“There’s some truth to that.” Felix crosses one ankle over a knee, cocks his head, and gives a friendly smile. “I’d take a bullet for the guy. But my guess is you and I love him in different ways.”
Why is Felix choosing this topic for discussion? He’s observant, meaning he possesses highly refined observational skills. That’s how Sam would describe it.
“Hey, I approve. Glad to see it. Knox needs someone in his life, and he says you have a heart of gold. Which is good. He deserves that.” The side of my hand digs into my sternum. “You’re a good one. That’s all I meant. He loves you, too.”
I jerk back at that. “No.” I smile, but the reaction is wrong. Out of place. “We’re close,” I tell him, explaining. “He’s…we’ve got history.” Given he took my virginity, we’ve added to our history exponentially in the last two days. “We go way back. But we live on opposite sides of the country, and he’s got a job like…” He’s got a job like Sam’s. The kind of job that can take him away for days, weeks, months at a time. In Sam’s case, years.
“Our job used to be pretty intense. I’ll give you that. Takes a hit on relationships for sure. But that’s…it’s a different world now. Look at me. I’m here so I don’t miss Rafe’s birthday. Four years old.” Felix beams. “The guys didn’t bat an eye. Arrow’s also big into professional development. And your man, he’s already got a couple of side gigs going. He’s in a better place than ever before to invest in a relationship.”
“Invest?”
“Yeah, invest.” His brows knit together, and he nods with emphasis. “I’ve been married going on ten years now. You don’t pull that shit off without some investment. Lots of give and take. But it’s worth it.”
One day, Knox will have that with someone. He’ll be the one telling someone that yeah, sacrifices are required, but it’s totally worth it. I can see it clear as day. And whoever he’s saying that to will be a lucky woman. But it won’t be me. Knox deserves a lifetime of love. A healthy love with someone who…I stall, searching for what he deserves that I’m not. The truth is, I’ve done all right for myself. I’m giving back in my career. But I look at what others have done in my social groups, and I trail them all. Some have run marathons. Some are CEOs. There are some who have raised millions of dollars for research. And then there are people like Sloane, who hasn’t even had a transplant, leading the charge on regenerating human heart tissue.
Felix raps the table and lowers the lid on his laptop. “I’m gonna head to the restroom.” He rubs his belly. “My stomach. Man.” He grimaces as he walks backward to the hallway bathroom. “You wanna watch a movie or something? There’s a remote on the table. See if you can’t find something for us to watch. Will make the time go faster.”
I doubt that. Time slowed to a standstill the moment Knox whisked me upstairs to the rooftop deck and kissed me goodbye. The condo had been full of people, and he’d said he wanted to have a private word. Instead of the remote, my fingers roam my lips, remembering. I’d wanted to beg him to stay, but I couldn’t do that.
He and his friends left to rescue my sister from a situation she likely contributed to in some way. Of course, if Sloane crossed any ethical lines, it’s because she believed it was for the greater good. Maybe she discovered a way to create a synthetic organ, or she used stem cells in some unethical way that would help people like me live longer. She loves science, but she loves science because she sees it as a way of keeping me alive.
There’s a knock at the door, and I catch a reflection of myself in the hallway mirror. The side of my hand presses between my breasts. Felix is right. Sitting around waiting for updates sucks.
Two bikes hang on the wall near the apartment door. There’s another bedroom with more bikes and gear in the back. As I approach the door, Millie lets out a series of loud barks, as if she’s just realized someone is here. She’s barking so loud I don’t stand a chance of hearing whoever is on the other side of the door.
I grab Millie’s collar in my fist.
“Shh. Stop, Millie.”
Ruff. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff.
She’s loud. Too loud. I unlock the deadbolt with one hand and crack open the door.
A man in a pale blue uniform and a plastic construction helmet glances between me and Millie.
“Hey. Sorry.” Millie’s tail wags and her barks slow to a rhythmic bark, pause, bark. I let her collar go. “How can I help you?”
I keep the door partially closed on the off-chance Millie might charge the man.
“Hi, miss. I’m with SoCal Gas. We got a report that there’s a gas leak in the building. We’re checking each of the units. Would you mind waiting outside while we secure the building?” Gas leaks can be serious. “Are you here by yourself?”
“Oh, no. Ah, let me get…” I look toward the bathroom. The door swings wide and the man steps inside. A man with a small hoop earring in an identical uniform steps into the doorway.
Millie’s hackles rise and she growls.
“I’m sorry,” I tell the men. “She’s a rescue dog. Maybe it’s best if you wait outside while I get my friend.” Both of the men wear thick leather belts. The worn leather hangs loose on the waist of the man closest to me.
“We’ve already checked the downstair units. Do you know if anyone is next door?”
