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At Mariners, Helen was icing trays and trays of cupcakes bearing the lifeboat logo which would be sold in the shop. Ralph was packing them carefully in boxes as she finished each dozen.
‘I think,’ he said, ‘I should make myself scarce during the ceremony itself. I’ll join you all this evening.’
Helen stared at him, her palate knife held aloft. ‘Oh no,’ she said. ‘I want you with me.’
‘But grief is a very private thing, don’t you think?’ Ralph looked concerned. ‘When Eleanor died, I didn’t want anyone except family around me.’
‘Ralph,’ said Helen, ‘whether you like it or not, you are family now.’
‘I am?’ He went pink with pleasure. They had only been together a couple of months, but it felt like forever. They were so comfortable with each other, yet never in each other’s pockets. And he got on like a house on fire with the rest of the family. He and Graham already had a plan to restore The Shrimp when she came out of the water in the autumn. She had seen better days, and Ralph loved nothing better than tinkering and fettling.
‘I can tell you, William would expect you to be there. He would be glad that there was somebody there for me.’ She firmly believed that. Nevertheless, her voice faltered for a moment, and she blinked back a few tears. ‘It would be wonderful to have you by my side. I don’t think anyone would expect me to face it all on my own until the end of time.’
‘Oh, Helen.’ Ralph stepped towards her and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘That makes me very proud. It will be an honour.’
She looked up into his dear face. How lucky she was, to have had not just one but two wonderful men in her life. William was a tough act to follow, but Ralph was caring and considerate and affectionate but never smothered her – she wouldn’t have been able to stand being smothered.
‘Let’s get these cupcakes finished,’ she said, a little overwhelmed by her emotions, turning away and sticking her palate knife into the icing.
Nikki had fully intended to sleep in her own bed the night before the anniversary. She’d wanted to go to bed early to be alone with her own thoughts and not wake up next to Adam with a heavy heart.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to be with you,’ she told him. ‘I’m just not sure how I’m going to feel. I want to sit with it all without worrying that I’m being morose.’
But somehow, she hadn’t been able to resist going to sleep in his arms. She’d meant to slip away before midnight but had fallen into a heavy, dreamless slumber and woken just before dawn. She was surprised to find she felt the most at peace she’d ever felt on an anniversary. Usually in the run-up she would have vivid, unsettling dreams and a low-level anxiety would buzz through her, compounded by concern for her mum and Jess and Graham and how they might all be feeling.
This year, something had shifted in her. She felt a lightness, a kind of acceptance, a coming to terms. The ache would always be there, of course it would, but it wasn’t as cumbersome.
At six, she climbed out of bed and pulled on her clothes without waking Adam. Gatsby jumped up onto the bed and wriggled into the warmth she had left behind, snuggling up to his master. She smiled at the pair of them, entrenched in their snooze, headed outside, jumped over the wall, down the steps and onto the beach. It was bright and freshly laundered, with not another soul in sight. She headed to the water’s edge, pulling something out of her coat pocket. She’d had it in there for weeks, waiting for the right moment. Now seemed the perfect time.
It was the paper boat that Rik had given her. The blue was faded almost to white. She imagined his fingers folding it up, and wondered what he’d been thinking when he made it. Their little boat, to sail away in. What would have happened, if the sea had been kinder that day? Would she have ended up on the cruise ship? Or would Rik and Jess have headed to Kinsale, as in the letter Juno had discovered. She would never know now, how they would have negotiated the next step. Perhaps they would have both gone back on their resolutions and carried on? There were so many possible outcomes. She resolved not to give any more time to wondering as she walked down to the water’s edge. It was time to let everything go. The past, the memories, the last vestiges of guilt.
She lay the boat down on the water. The wet paper soon grew dark and it bobbed up and down valiantly for a few moments. She couldn’t bear to watch. Tears filled her eyes, but she brushed them away as she turned and walked back up the steps. The past was floating away. She had said her final farewell to the man she had loved so passionately. Her future was hers now, not tangled up in remorse and what might have been.
As she got to the top of the steps, she could see someone approach the cottages. It was too early for the postman. Who was it? She screwed up her eyes against the sun. Definitely a male – a tall, slender one. Young, she thought.
Then she stopped in her tracks, her heart pounding. She knew the tilt of that head, the slope of those shoulders.
‘Bill!’ She ran as fast as she could and met him just as he reached her front door. ‘Bill!’
‘Hey, Mum.’ His eyes were full of mischief as he reached his arms around her. Oh God, he smelled the same, her boy. She couldn’t hold him close enough, feeling his skinny ribs, his heartbeat.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I couldn’t miss the anniversary,’ he told her. ‘I know how much it means to you all.’
‘Did Dad know you were coming?’
Bill gave her a sheepish grin. ‘He picked me up from the airport last night. I’m here for a fortnight.’
‘You absolute beasts.’ Joy bubbled up in her heart, and she thought she might sob with intensity. Now she’d felt him in her arms again, she realised just how much she’d missed him.
The two of them walked arm in arm up the path to the front door.
‘Nice crib, Mum,’ Bill said approvingly as they went inside. She’d gradually been putting up pictures, rearranging books and ornaments and buying the extra bits and pieces that made it a home: a rug to go in front of the fireplace, a vase for flowers on the mantelpiece, a velvet lampshade for the light fitting. It felt as if she’d been here forever.
‘There’s loads more I want to do. But I want to live here for a while before I get too ambitious.’
As they walked through to the kitchen, he whistled in amazement.
