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My bully.
The boy I loved.
Loved?Yes. Loved.
I got up and pushed that thought aside, opening the door quickly. The doorway was empty. I fought my disappointment as I went to close it, then noticed the glitter of green and gold coming from the floor.
It was the journal that Cayden had given me for my birthday. I picked it up, realizing that I hadn’t seen it in its place on my desk for a few days. I hadn’t even opened it since that first day when Eve and I had read his birthday wish. I took it into my room and closed the door. My heart beating oddly hard, I sat and opened it, flipping to the first page, and his message.
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine – C
The next page was blank. I flipped again and stopped. There, scrawled in blue ink, dark against the creamy page, were two words.
I’m sorry.
I somehow had the idea that this message was old, written a few weeks ago, when things between us had been at their worst. I was the kind of nerd who knew exactly which of my pens were in rotation on my desk most weeks, and that color was definitely a few weeks ago. I turned to the next page, and there was another note, in a different pen this time.
Forgive me, Freckles.
Swallowing a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball, I turned another page, and this time, the entire length of it was covered in spidery black pen strokes.
Last night, I dreamed of Lily. Those are the good nights. I wish I could live in those dreams. In the dream, she took my hand and smiled at me. She kissed me and laughed with me. She loved me, and it was everything I’d given up hoping for. All the while, I knew it was a dream, because Lily is literally my dream girl, and I fucked everything up so badly, there’s no way she’d look at me that way in real life.
In real life, I’m the villain of her story. The bad guy. The rotten apple.
So, lately, I’ve been sleeping late and going to bed early.
I’ll try anything to see more of Lily’s smile.
A tear dripped down my cheek and splashed on the page. I turned, and there was more. Entry after entry of dreams.
Last night I dreamed I was inside my Lily. She was holding me close; her smell filled my head. Her body clasped me tightly, her cunt narrower and sweeter than anything I could have imagined. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want her, and I’ll never want anyone ever again with even a fraction of that desire.
Lily is the sum total of my desires and dreams, all in one devastatingly smart and beautiful package. In my dreams, she reaches for me when she wakes and finds me inside her.
Slipping into her arms feels like a homecoming. In her embrace, I finally belong. I am at peace.
More tears fell, and I dashed them away.
I turned one more page and found it nearly empty, except for one small scrawl.
I love you, Freckles. I know I’m unforgivable…but if anyone can try to forgive a parasitoid like me…it’s you, my love – C
And I lost it.
Cayden
I satin the locker room before the game, cracking my knuckles, my mind blank and empty. I was way early for the game. I needed to get into my stuff before anyone could see my injuries. Coach poked his head in the door and spotted me.
“I thought you were here. You missed dinner,” he said.
I hadn’t wanted to go back to the house after school today, seeing as Lily and her mom were going to the airport. I couldn’t bring myself to watch her leave for the campus visit. She was going to go there and love it. She was going to accept the offer and make plans to move, and soon, I’d never see her again. I felt frantic when I thought about it, and I couldn’t afford that right now. If I’d been home, I was pretty sure I would have snuck out to let the air out of her mom’s tires so they couldn’t make their flight. It was safer to stay at school.
“Hungry? I’ve got dinner covered.” Coach smiled at me from the locker room entrance. “You can’t play on an empty stomach.”
Right. I hadn’t eaten. It was weird how things with Lily had made everything else pale in importance.
“I didn’t know you cooked, Coach,” I observed as I followed him to his office.
