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It was all just a stupid fantasy that meant nothing, but because Chandler had thought about it at all, she knew she was, once again, incredibly lonely. She was so lonely that she was imagining a life with a woman whose own life she’d once ruined because she hadn’t been brave enough to tell anyone that she’d wanted to kiss Belle for months.
Her long program was shit, and she knew it. When she came off the ice, she covered her blades and flopped down more than sat, not even looking at her sister. She hadn’t fallen on the ice, but her heart hadn’t been in it, and she’d stumbled on not one but three landings, lost her spot when she was spinning, faltering a bit, and failed to smile through it all. She hadn’t wanted to be out there, to begin with, and it had shown.
“You won’t medal,” Catalina stated. “In this regional competition that doesn’t matter, you won’t even medal. You should’ve won by a mile. US Figure Skating is going to be pissed.”
“What? Why do they care?”
“You’re their rep here.”
“I’m their what?”
“They send skaters to these kinds of competitions all the time. You know that.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So, you’re their skater for this one. You were supposed to represent them and get interest in Team USA Figure Skating. You were supposed to smile and take some pictures, kill it with your performance, win a medal, smile some more, and make them all look good, but you couldn’t even do that.”
“You didn’t tell me any of this, Cat. You said I was here to meet Justin and to get in some competition time since we had a break.”
“It was all those things,” Catalina replied. “I asked them to send you here because I thought it would be a great way for you to get your confidence back and to find a partner. Turns out, I was wrong on both accounts.”
“Why do you insist on hiding things about my own career from me?” she asked. “Maybe if you’d told me that up front, I would’ve known and could’ve done better.”
“Could you have?”
“We hardly had any time to get me ready for this, so I don’t want to hear it, Cat. You never skated pairs. It’s not easy to go from being out there with someone else to being out there by yourself.”
“It is for some. Why isn’t it for you?”
“Maybe because I fell on my ass once in the biggest competition of my life only to realize that my blade had caught my calf, and I saw blood pour out of my leg. Maybe because I skated off the ice, seeing red, and found out my calf muscle was torn. Maybe it was because of that.”
“That was years ago, Chandler.”
“I was on the ice alone, Cat. No one came to get me. You didn’t come to get me. You–” She turned away from her sister just as her scores came in. “You made me skate off the ice. Mom and Dad weren’t even there. A trainer got to the door just as I was almost off the ice, but you just sat there.”
“I didn’t realize it was that bad. You got up and skated.”
“I was in shock,” Chandler replied. “And I saw my whole career flash before my eyes. I thought I’d never skate again.”
“You were fine. You got your stitches, and you had the PT.”
“But I stopped skating on my own then. I was embarrassed. I mistimed my jump because you’d been an asshole about it, telling me over and over again that I wasn’t going to land it if I didn’t get it right in training.”
“That’s true.”
Chandler stood and said, “Obviously, it’s true. But you yelled and yelled, and you’re my fucking sister, Cat.” She started to walk off. “You’re supposed to be my sister first, but you treated me like shit because you wanted me to make you look good. And when I fell and saw red, you just stood there.” Chandler turned around to face Catalina. “You’re my fucking sister, Cat. I had no one. Mom and Dad were in another country, like they always are. You were standing right there, and I still had no one. I hate being out there by myself in front of a crowd because of it. I never feel as alone as I do when I’m out there without a partner, and you made me do that this week. You know that about me, and you still made me do that.”
“Do you want to make an Olympic Team or not?”
“Yes, of course, I do. But I’d also just like you to be my sister for once in my life.”
She walked off toward the changing room, leaving Cat there. Cat was ten years older than her, and outside of figure skating, which had been brought to them, courtesy of their mother, they had nothing in common. They’d never been the best friends some people brag about being with their siblings, and only part of that was due to their age difference. Catalina had been on her own for a decade before Chandler had been born, and when Chandler had shown not only interest but promise as a skater, their mother’s focus had shifted to her younger daughter, and Catalina became more of a supporting character in her own family, which Chandler always regretted for her, but it hadn’t been her fault.
When Chandler’s old coach had decided to move on to a French skater, that had left Chandler without a coach, and Catalina had been coaching for years already, so their parents saw an obvious match that came with the benefit of them having time together as sisters. Only Chandler wasn’t sure they’d ever been sisters at all. Maybe when Chandler was a little kid, sure, but once she’d started showing that promise in skating, things had shifted for them. And now, Catalina appeared to only care about Chandler as the skater she was coaching and not as her baby sister who sometimes needed a little encouragement and to maybe help her off the ice when she was bleeding, embarrassed, and terrified that she might never skate again.
She went to change into a pair of jeans, and before she pulled them up, she caught sight of the still-fading scar on her calf, remembering the pain from the injury every time she saw it. She yanked the jeans up her thighs, buttoned and zipped them, and then tossed on a shirt and a sweater before grabbing her bag and turning. She stopped then and saw the name on the locker. She smiled a little, seeing Belle’s name and remembering her saying that it was her all-time locker. As she walked out past other skaters, she looked down because she was the oldest pro here. She was supposed to show up this week and win the whole thing. She’d not done herself any favors by not performing, but she hadn’t even realized US Figure Skating knew she was here, let alone that it’d been part of the reason she was competing.
Chandler didn’t know what to do once she was back in the main part of the Ice Park. There was a skater on the ice, but she didn’t need to stick around to watch to know that she hadn’t medaled. She looked around, and for a second, she thought she was looking for her sister until it clicked. She wasn’t. She was looking for Belle. Her entire career had been controlled by her parents and her sister. From the first pair of skates her mother had bought for her to the first coach she’d chosen when Chandler could stand on them and do not much else, her mother had orchestrated everything from behind the scenes, her father had paid for it, and her sister had played her part. Chandler had done everything that had been asked of her. She’d followed Catalina’s orders even when she hadn’t wanted to or they’d made her uncomfortable. And Catalina was her sister; no one else would want Chandler to succeed more than her, right? Plus, Catalina had been the one to secure Walker as her partner more than Chandler had.
