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We were served a rich buffet of delicacies, all prepared by Ennio, Auden’s brother, who worked as a cook at The Lodge. I tried a little of everything, for once letting go of my dietary restrictions, since I didn’t have a shoot for the next three weeks anyway. The champagne wasn’t the best, but after two glasses, it tasted fine.
The wedding ceremony transitioned into a lively party under the warm evening sun. Music filled the air as people danced on the grass, their faces flushed with joy and exertion. The whole town seemed to be present, sharing in the celebration of love and commitment. I participated, cheering when Auden and Keaton finished their first dance and making a few moves on the dance floor myself. Yet a part of me was detached, as if half of me was engaged while the other half was observing and analyzing.
Tiago was dancing with Cas, a slow dance with their bodies pressed together, their cheeks resting against each other. I was thrilled for Tiago, who was so clearly in love with Cas. And I liked Cas. He was good for my brother. But my heart ached with a sense of being left behind. Tiago had always been my other half, and now he had someone else to share his life with. Marnin was right. It wouldn’t be long before those two tied the knot, and where would that leave me?
I swapped the champagne I had been nursing for something stronger, a glass of whiskey that seemed more fitting for the emotional roller coaster I was experiencing. As the party roared around me, I kept going to the open bar and the temporary reprieve it offered from my swirling thoughts. Usually, I didn’t drink this heavily, but tonight felt different. I needed an escape, a way to numb the ache in my chest as I watched Tiago and Cas bask in their happiness while I remained adrift, unsure of where my life was headed.
“Another one?” the bartender asked when I held up my empty glass.
I nodded, and he poured another generous serving of amber liquid into the tumbler. The warmth of the alcohol spread through my body, loosening my muscles and quieting my mind.
Someone stepped next to me, and I looked sideways. Fir. “Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey. Didn’t know you were here.”
“I only got in a little while ago. I had a patient who needed me. The life of a small-town doctor. What did I miss?”
“Their first dance and a whole lot of lovey-dovey stuff happening on the dance floor.”
He chuckled. “Do I detect some cynicism?”
I sipped my whiskey. “I couldn’t be happier for Tiago. For Auden and Keaton, I mean.”
Fir followed my gaze, which rested on Tiago and Cas, still dancing cheek to cheek. “Bittersweet, huh?”
He’d nailed it with that word. “Yeah.”
I didn’t trust myself to say more, afraid I’d give away too much. I’d already shared more than I had wanted to after our hookup, which was why I hadn’t asked him for a repeat. I needed to make it clear sex was all I wanted.
“Weddings tend to bring up all sorts of feelings,” Fir said. “But I think it’s important to remember that love isn’t finite. There’s enough of it to go around, and just because Tiago has found someone doesn’t mean he has any less love for you.”
“Maybe.” I tried to shake off the melancholy that threatened to take root. “But right now, it feels like I’m losing a part of myself.”
“I don’t think anyone can understand that unless they’re a twin themselves. I have sisters, but I don’t have the same bond with them as you and Tiago share.”
His honesty was refreshing. “It’s not, and thank you for acknowledging that. People always say fraternal twins aren’t as close, but we are. Always have been. He’s like my other half, you know? Except now he’s found his other half in Cas, which leaves me…torn up. Like part of me is missing. And I’m happy for him, but…”
Fir put a hand on my shoulder. “You’re allowed to feel both. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“I feel guilty for feeling this way.”
“There’s no need. How you feel is valid. It’s how you handle it that matters.”
“So, how do I handle this? What do I do now, Fir? My brother has scaled his career back, and I don’t know what to do. I’m happy for him, but it’s hard to know where I fit into his new life. If I even fit in anymore. I’m not sure what the future holds for me.”
Fir’s eyes filled with understanding. “That’s a scary feeling, isn’t it? Not knowing where you’re headed next.”
He would know. He’d had to face losing his husband and, with that, the future he’d imagined for himself and his family. “It’s not as bad as what you had to go through.”
He squeezed my shoulder but kept his hand there, comforting. “It’s not a competition for which sucks the most, Tomás. But yes, I do understand how it feels when everything is shifting and you’re facing nothing but unknowns.”
“It’s terrifying.” I took another sip of my whiskey. “I’ve spent my whole life chasing after success, and now that I’m here, I can’t help but wonder if it’s what I wanted all along.”
My life as a model had been glamorous and exciting, but it was also fleeting, especially now that Tiago had stepped back from the spotlight. For the first time in years, I questioned myself whether I was content with all I’d achieved. My career had brought me wealth and fame, but at what cost? It didn’t offer the same sense of fulfillment and companionship that Tiago seemed to have found with Cas and that I saw in the way Auden and Keaton looked at each other.
“Sometimes we get so caught up in pursuing our dreams we lose sight of what matters. But it’s never too late to change course, Tomás. You still have plenty of time to figure out what you want.”
“Maybe you’re right, but it’s hard to let go of the past, you know?”
