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Essex. Of course he was buried here, but I’d somehow forgotten. Tiago and I had flown in for the funeral. His parents had refused a burial at a military cemetery, instead insisting on having his remains close by. He had been buried with full military honors, which had given me the chills. I crouched at his grave, staring at his stone.
Twenty-one. He’d only been twenty-one. We’d lived longer since his passing than he’d been alive. What a strange, heartbreaking thought. I’d been devastated by his death, even though we hadn’t spoken that often since we’d graduated. He’d been in the Marines while Tiago and I had traveled the world. Our lives had gone in such different directions. But we’d come back to honor him at his death, though with what I now knew about him, that left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I’d always thought of him as a prankster, an immature clown. Tiago and I had even said to each other the Marine Corps would probably be good for him, get him straightened out. But I’d never realized what a dick he’d been, to his brother, to Fir, and to others. How had we never noticed that? It didn’t sit well with me at all.
But he could be both. He could be a hero and an asshole. He could be a man who had given his all for his country and a dick who’d terrorized others. And it was okay for me to have mixed feelings. It would take a while for me to sort all that out…and that, too, was okay.
I rose again and walked on after a last look at his stone.
I found Samuel’s grave in the back, offering a beautiful view over the green pastures and the river, with the mountains right behind it. Leaves covered his headstone, and I swiped them off, then carefully removed them from his grave as well. And then I stood, staring at his headstone. Loving husband and father. His whole life in those four simple words. Husband and father. The two most important roles he’d filled…and now I had to follow in his footsteps.
I cleared my throat. “Hi. Remember me? Yeah, it’s Tomás. I wanted to talk to you.”
Once those first words were out, it got easier, and I sat on the soft, wet grass, not caring about my jeans.
“I hope you know how many good memories I have of you and the fun we had, even if we caused such a stir. I’ll never forget your courage as you refused to throw me under the bus and insisted everything had been consensual and not initiated or forced by me. You could’ve blamed me and escaped your father’s wrath, but you didn’t. That cost you with your father and your church, and I’ll always be grateful. I admired the hell out of you for doing that.”
I twirled the lavender between my fingers, then laid the posy in front of me. “I brought you some flowers. Fir said lavender was your favorite because you loved the smell. I like it too. It reminds me of Fir. He still uses the little lavender sachets you made, did you know? He hasn’t forgotten you. I don’t think he ever will, and I’m okay with that.”
I cleared my throat to get rid of a sudden tightness. “Right, I should’ve started with that. I’m with Fir now. Yeah, I know, I’m the last person you would’ve picked for him, yet here we are. I’m in love with him. Head over heels, crazy in love with him. And for reasons I can’t even fathom, he loves me too. We’re so different, yet we fit wonderfully well. But I’m not taking your place. Not with Fir and not with your kids. I never could. They love you so much, and the hole you left behind is still so big. I could never replace you, and I don’t want to.”
My eyes had grown misty, and I wiped away a tear. “You wanted Fir to be happy again and find love again. I so hope you’re okay with him choosing me. I promise I’ll do my best to make him happy, to take care of him. Jesus, he needs someone to take care of him. He’s been doing it all alone for the last five years, and he’s exhausted. I want to help him, carry some of his load for him. I’d like to think that’s what you’d want me to do because it’s what you did for him as well. He leaned on you, and that’s what I want to be for him, that rock to steady him.”
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. “I fucked up with my brother, forcing him to lean on me far too much. I won’t make that mistake again. Angie, my therapist…” I snorted. “Jesus Cristo, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d utter… Anyway, Angie is my therapist, and she promised me she’d keep an eye on me to make sure I don’t fall into the same habit of codependency again with Fir. Not that I think he’d ever allow that. He’s far too stubborn and strong for that. I don’t need to tell you that, probably.”
Clouds covered the sun, and I shivered in the shade. “I just wanted to tell you this myself and ask for your blessing, I guess. All I can say is that I’ll love him till my dying breath, and I hope that’s still a long, long time away. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to leave him and your sons behind so soon. It’s totally unfair. You deserved to have a long and happy life with them, but you didn’t. I hope I’ll get to do that for you, to love them and take care of them the way you would have. That’s all. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”
And then the tears came, too many and too fast to stop, and I sat there and wept for the boy I’d known. He’d been so sweet and good and kind. How could life be this cruel? It was so unfair.
It took me a while to compose myself, but when I did, I felt better, strangely enough. Lighter. As if I had unburdened myself.
I pushed myself to my feet, making a half-assed attempt at wiping the dirt off my ass, then gave up. Whatever.
Sunlight streamed through the trees, and I looked up. The clouds had drifted open, leaving a perfect circle of blue right around the sun, allowing her to beam down on me. Peace and joy filled me, as well as a deep, deep knowing that Samuel approved.
With one last look at his final resting place, I left, ready for my future with Fir and our family.
EPILOGUE
FIR
We got married two years later, just before Gabe graduated. It was a simple ceremony with just us and our family and friends. As we exchanged our vows, our sons were standing next to us, and there wasn’t a single dry eye in the crowd when we lit a candle for Samuel—at Tomás’s request. He’d insisted on having Samuel there with us, and I loved him even more for it.
From the get-go, Tomás had been adamant about not wanting to take Samuel’s place. He’d been extraordinarily sensitive in that area not only toward me and the kids but also toward my parents and even more Samuel’s. That hadn’t been an easy meeting. Samuel’s dad remembered Tomás and the scene he and Samuel had caused all too well. But Tomás had won him over with his honesty, insisting that he loved me and the boys and wasn’t trying to replace Samuel. In the end, Samuel’s father had relented, and he’d grown to respect Tomás, and that was all I could ask for.
It had taken Tomás time to adapt to his new role as stepdad. In the beginning, he hadn’t been sure of his position, whether he could discipline them or had to let me do that. Then he’d swung to being more of a fun uncle. Boy, had I shut that down fast. Finally, he’d found the middle ground of being a stepparent, deferring to me on issues he thought would be sensitive but also putting this foot down when he had to. The boys had started to respect him, and over time, they’d grown to love him.
He’d worked hard for that, spending one-on-one time with them, figuring out what they liked and meeting them there. He’d taken Gabe to a chess tournament when I couldn’t get away, and he’d signed Josiah and himself up for a photography course together. They’d had fun with that, and they’d grown close.
And now Gabe was ready to leave for college, premed. He had his heart set on becoming a doctor, following in my footsteps and those of my father before me. When Gabe’s name was called, Tomás and I cheered the loudest, and I couldn’t have been more proud of him. He would do great things in life, but most importantly, he was growing into a fine man, a kind one.
So was Josiah, now sixteen. He had a bit more temper than Gabe, but he fought for what he believed in, and I admired him for that. He was popular in school, known for befriending everyone, and while he had no idea yet what he wanted to do with his life, I had no doubt he’d make a difference.
Now, with only two more years before we were empty-nesters, we were slowly growing into the next stage of our lives.
“I’ve made a decision,” I said late that night when we were sitting in our garden, enjoying the peace and quiet after a busy day. We loved snuggling in the loveseat, Tomás’s arm wrapped around me and my head against his shoulder.
“About what?”
