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I bite my bottom lip before turning and walking back toward him. “Fun drill,” I say, once I reach him.
Beck shakes his head a little, the corners of his lips barely lifting as he rakes a hand through his hair. “I’m leaving,” he tells me.
“What about lunch?” I ask stupidly.
Another head shake. “I already stayed later than I should’ve. I have to be back tomorrow.”
“Oh.” Part of me was already making plans for what I’d text him tonight. I thought we’d have tonight. “Is that what the phone call was about?”
He nods once.
His season has started. It’s shocking he was able to come at all, not that he’s having to depart early. But I’m still…I thought we’d have a tiny bit more time.
Beck’s staring at me, waiting for me to say something.
“I’m leaving tomorrow. Heading back to Lancaster. You’re going back to Kluvberg. So…nothing’s changed?”
He’s still staring. “You tell me.”
I clear my throat. “Nothing’s changed.”
“You asked me why I came—you didn’t need to. You know the answer. I came to see you, Saylor.”
I close my eyes. “Beck…don’t. This is hard enough, okay?”
“Is it hard for you? Because I can’t figure out what I am to you. If I’m anything to you. You left after Scholenberg like it was nothing. Like it was easy for you.”
“I left like it was the only option. My entire life is in the US. My school, my friends, my family…”
That last excuse is flimsy, considering everything he knows about me. But the rest is valid. What did he expect? For me to move to Germany?
“You could have called, or texted, once before last night. I came all this way and…”
“And what?” I ask. “Are you mad you didn’t get laid on this trip, or something?”
Beck just shakes his head again, looking disappointed. That’s worse than him appearing angry or annoyed. He knows me well enough to tell I’m deflecting. To get that I’m avoiding admitting the truth to him.
My voice lowers. “I thought–I thought we were just having fun…”
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.” The words are inscrutable.
I huff. “Like you didn’t.”
He steps closer, and I pull in a quick breath. “Of course I did. Of course I want to fuck you again. But it was more than sex for me. I let you walk away because I thought it was a lost cause. But then you did that damn interview and I thought…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I thought that maybe it was more for you too. I guess I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong. But I…” I chew on the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know how to do this, okay? Not at all, and definitely not with you.”
Twin lines of confusion appear between his eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re Adler Beck.”
He looks even more confused. “I know.”
“You don’t just live in Germany. People there call you Kaiser. You’re not just relevant when there’s a World Cup. You’re super famous all the time.”
His brows rise. “The attention bothers you?”
“It’s just more complicated.”
