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She had one purpose in life.Me.
Whenever I forgot that, it took all of two seconds to conjure the words Ayi once shouted that jerked Mom out of her zombie state.
What if your son dies, too? Are you going to let that happen as you wallow in grief? I can’t protect Zach by myself.
“Do you think I don’t know that you don’t love Eileen?” Mom’s eyes filled with tears. She yanked a handkerchief from her bag, patting her eyes dry. “I know that, Son. Believe me.”
Forcing myself to endure the touch, I guided her to a nearby bench by the crook of her elbow. Her shoulders shook so hard, she didn’t even notice that I’d touched her for the first time in over twenty years.
I wondered what she saw when she looked at me. So smart. So cold. So incapable of filling the cracks in her soul.
I couldn’t even tell her the last words her husband ever said.
In the end, for every fact I knew, the one thing I didn’t know mattered most.
Mom sniffled, caving my heart inward. “But Dad and I always wanted you to experience the things that made our lives worth living. A beautiful house. Children. Someone to come home to. The emptiness you’ve been feeling? A family will fill it with so much joy. How do you think I survived after your father died?”
Mom blinked, her eyes red. “You and your auntie are my lifelines. Some days, you’re the only things that get me up in the morning. I want you to have that with someone responsible. Someone dependable. Someone safe.”
She sighed, toying with her handkerchief. “Eileen is capable of weathering every storm life throws your way. She’s resilient and considerate. She’ll never go against her morals. Never cheat or steal. I handpicked her for you. She’s similar to you in every way.”
Mom was right.
But the truth of the matter was—Eileen wasn’t the one I wanted.
“And that girl…Farrow.” Mom’s mouth twisted downward. “The one you brought to live with you…” She raised a finger, stopping me preemptively. “I refuse to pretend she’s your housekeeper. We both know what she is.”
I worked my thumb down my tense jaw. “She’s off-topic.”
“But she isn’t.” Mom patted her nose with the handkerchief. “I know she’s your mistress. It’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your urges. We all have needs.”
If I could cringe myself into oblivion, I would.
She continued, “But she’s not wife material. You know this, too. You’ve seen the news. She cheated for financial gain. How do you know she isn’t with you for your money and power?”
I didn’t respond, mostly because Farrowhadagreed to our arrangement for legal fees (money) and revenge (power).
Mom shook her head. “You’re a trophy to her. If you were poor, would you have met? Would you have begun a relationship together?”
I remained silent, knowing this to be the truth. Not because I found Farrow to be a gold digger—if anything, she treated people with moneyworse—but because I understood the circumstances of how we met.
What it looked like to the outside world and why a parent would be concerned.
Mom continued, sensing a crack in my shield. “I’m not telling you to cut her loose. You can keep her for vacations and the occasional treat.” Her throat rolled with a swallow. “I’ve spoken to Eileen. She’s happy to accommodate you. She mentioned neither of you intend to pursue a physical relationship.”
“What’s the point of being together if neither of us want toactuallybe together?”
“Oh, Zach. Relationships aren’t about sex. Relationships are about mutual values, goals, and friendship.” Mom quaked beside me, frail and small, spewing out her argument like she was on death row. “Yourrelationship with this Farrow girl is a hoax. You built it on an unstable foundation. Attraction fades. Desire evaporates. Cravings come and go. But friendships? They stay.”
Against all will and odds, I tried to see her perspective.
Her logic hinged on the mutual exclusivity of friendship and attraction. Had it occurred to her that I could consider Farrow my friend while also wanting to fuck her?
Has it even occurred toyou?If it had, you wouldn’t have thrown the agreement in her face every time things got uncomfortable.
Mom smoothed my shirt, testing the waters. I tried not to flinch. “Eileen will be good for you. You’re not a means to an end for her. You’re a long-term investment.”
Perhaps she was right. Not about falling in love with Eileen—that could never happen. But maybe I’d let my time with Farrow cloud my judgment.
