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“For others, maybe. For me… I don’t see it ever happening.”
That wasn’t exactly true. Agnes could already see herself falling in love with Cora. She just couldn’t bring herself to allow it. It made the flames of guilt lick at her insides, no matter how much she tried to talk herself out of the irrational feeling.
She could see disagreement in Cora’s eyes, but Cora didn’t argue the point. “That would be understandable, too. It’s your choice, Agnes. I am privileged to have you as a friend and if that’s all you can give me, I will gladly take it.”
It wasn’t a choice; it was a relentless internal pressure that Agnes didn’t know how to fight against. She could tell that Cora was disappointed, but she also read sincerity in those beautiful eyes. Cora was too good for her, but Agnes wanted her anyway.
“I should go.” Agnes was fighting back tears and wanted to be alone when she lost the battle.
“Yeah, we should probably get to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow—at work and then at the gym afterward, right?”
“Right.” Agnes felt no small measure of relief at hearing that Cora still wanted to be her gym buddy, even after she had messed up like she had. She had known from the beginning that she and Cora couldn’t be together. Keeping her word about the date was one thing, but it was entirely inexcusable for her to allow Cora to kiss her when she knew very well that she would have to call a halt to it in the way that she did.
“Hey.” Cora put a finger under Agnes’ chin, tilting it up so that they were once more looking into each other’s eyes. “Don’t feel bad. I can see you beating yourself up about this. Don’t. Grief is different for everyone. What may be enough time for someone else may not be for you, and that’s okay. I’m not mad. We’re still friends. Okay?”
“Ok,” Agnes said softly, her bottom lip trembling. “I have to go.”
She turned and fled into the house before Cora could say anything else that threatened to break her.
She didn’t listen for the sound of Cora leaving, rushing straight to her bedroom and throwing herself into bed.
The same bed that she and Jackie had shared. That only served to hasten the tears that Agnes had been doing her best to hold back.
She curled up into a ball as she cried. This was so unfair. Why couldn’t she move on? Cora was perfect for her in every way. If only her stupid heart would allow her this. Her world had already ended once. Should she not be allowed to start again, to find happiness once more?
Just the thought had her mind assaulting her with images of Jackie, angry and disappointed, like she would be after they fought about something particularly dumb.
Agnes hoped that Cora did decide to remain friends with her. As selfish as it was, she wanted Cora in her life, even if she could never have her in the way she truly wanted.
Agnes squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the sweet release of sleep. It wasn’t the first time she had cried herself to sleep over Jackie, and it wouldn’t be the last.
Agnes wished she had someone to comfort her in her distress. She had absolutely no doubt that Cora would gladly come back and hold her exactly the way Agnes needed, but that wouldn’t be fair to ask of Cora, not when she knew Cora wanted more.
So, Agnes cried herself to sleep alone, finally slipping into a blissfully dreamless state.
5
Agnes
Agnes was nervous coming into work the next day. Would Cora be weird? Would Agnes be able to avoid being weird herself?
It turned out her worries were unfounded. Cora greeted her cheerfully, as if it was any other day. Agnes didn’t know how much effort it took for Cora to give her such a genuine smile. She knew that for herself, it was a struggle to chat and laugh with Cora without feeling piercing regret that she could never have more than this.
“So… are we going to talk about last night?”
Agnes stiffened. What more was there to talk about?
“I’m sorry, Cora. I never should have let the kiss happen. I wasn’t ready, and it wasn’t fair to you.”
Cora rolled her eyes. “I’m not looking for an apology, Agnes.”
Then what was she looking for?
“I don’t know what else to say.”
“I mean, how are we going to keep our little secret safe from the gossip mill around here? Kissing your boss isn’t exactly approved of, and kissing your employee even less so.” Her eyes were sparkling with mischief as she spoke in a low voice.
Agnes couldn’t help grinning. “I don’t know. Did you have any ideas?”
