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So if I don’t fight for Leia, there’s a good chance she’ll go to Blue. Will he still want her even if I refuse to give him the money? God, can I risk that?
I get up and walk over to the window. Take a deep breath and wait for my emotions to stop spinning.
Okay, let’s think this through.
Leia is Maddie’s girl, and Maddie entrusted her to me. I let my sister down by not being there when she needed me, and I don’t want to let her down again.
But that’s not all it is. Leia has Maddie’s blood, my mother’s and father’s blood. My blood. She’s a part of me. What kind of person would it make me if I just gave her away like an unwanted pet? I’m a bigger person than that. I’m scared about bringing up a child, but I don’t back away from the things that frighten me. I face them head on.
So… that means…
I inhale deeply.
I’m going to keep her.
I let out a shaky breath.
So how will it work? Do I stay as her guardian? Would that mean that my life would carry on the way it is? With me as some kind of distant uncle? I envision a future scene where her nanny brings her in for half an hour in the evening so I can inspect her school report. Fucking hell.
You have to decide what’s best for Leia, and what’s best for you.
I’m not a person who does things half-heartedly. This isn’t the path I would have chosen for my life, but it’s happened, and it’s all or nothing. If I’m keeping her, I’m going to adopt her. I’m going to be her father. I’m going to give her everything, a hundred percent. It’s what would be best for her. Like all women, she deserves to be loved, to be adored.
I inhale a shaky breath, overwhelmed. I’m suddenly incredibly scared. I’ve lost my mother, and I’ve lost my sister. I know how precarious childhood can be. Kids get sick and sometimes die. What happens if I bring Leia into my life and lose her, too?
Loving someone is a risk I’ve done my best not to take since my mother died. I realize that now. I kept Cassie at arm’s length because I wanted to stay in control of my feelings. Whether or not we were suited is irrelevant—it wasn’t fair to her, and I let her down. I can’t do the same to Leia. If I’m not prepared to give her my all, she’d be better off being adopted by someone else.
Can I do this?
For Maddie, for Leia, I have to try.
I turn from the window. Ethan sits patiently, eyeing me as I return to my seat.
I take a deep breath. “Okay. That’s it. I’m going to adopt her.”
A smile spreads across his face. “Well done,” he says, and even though he’s not my father, it gives me a little glow inside.
“What’s the likelihood that the court would grant me the Parenting Order?”
Ethan doodles on his notepad. “You have some things going for you. You’re Leia’s guardian—that’s the most important thing. Maddie didn’t name Mr. Clarke on Leia’s birth certificate—another bonus for you. You’re wealthy and would obviously be able to provide Leia with a good standard of living.” He eyes me with a wary look.
“Go on,” I say wryly. “Spit it out.”
“All right. I’d brush Blue up, put him in a suit, make him act suitably contrite, and get him to explain how he and his wife would be able to provide a stable environment for his daughter.”
“Whereas I…”
“Am a confirmed bachelor with a…” He gives me an apologetic look. “Somewhat notorious reputation as a ladies’ man, shall we say.”
I haven’t blushed since I was about twelve and forgot the words during a stage performance at school, but my face heats under his steady gaze. “I see.”
“I’m not saying I believe that,” he adds, “but that’s how someone else could spin it—that you’re a playboy with a revolving door, and it would be an unsuitable atmosphere to bring up a baby girl.”
I try not to wince, remembering Aroha mentioning a revolving door. “You make me sound as if I live in a brothel.”
“I’m just saying how they could phrase it. Let’s face, it James, you’re a young, extremely good looking guy.”
“Stop it, you’re making me blush.”
