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And I couldn’t ask about her job.
Other than that, it was perfect…
Until the last night.
The night before I left was always the worst. We tried to put on a brave face, but both of us were dreading my departure in the morning.
To make it worse, I hadn’t deployed since Afghanistan, which meant it was getting more and more likely that I would be sent overseas for the next twelve months.
And if I got sent to a combat zone, I wouldn’t be able to visit her at all during that time.
After making love, we lay on the bed in my hotel room. I stared up at the ceiling, and she snuggled up against my body.
“How much longer?” she asked softly.
I knew exactly what she meant. “Twenty-six months and five days.”
She was quiet for a while before she asked, “Do you really want to leave the military, though?”
“So I can be with you? Of course.”
“…what if I weren’t in the picture?”
“But you are.”
“But what if I weren’t?”
I frowned. “Why are you asking that?”
“Because I want to know what you’d do if I weren’t a factor.”
I shrugged. “I’d probably stay in.”
“…do you love it?”
I thought about it before answering. “I don’t know that I love it. But I’m very good at it.”
“But you’d keep doing it… so you must love it.”
“I say it’s more like it’s part of me. I’m not addicted to it; it’s not like I chase the rush. But it’s a part of me that doesn’t come out in any other area of my life. It makes me feel alive.” I added with typical Special Forces humor, “You never feel more alive than when you might be dead in the next few seconds.”
“Stop,” she whimpered.
For someone who had a very dangerous job, she was extraordinarily sensitive to my jokes about death.
“I was kidding,” I said.
“Yes, but you were serious when you said it makes you feel alive.”
“But I also feel alive when I’m with you.”
Her voice grew bitter. “I don’t want to be a substitute for something else.”
“You’re not. Where’s this coming from?” I asked, both irritated and bewildered.
“I just… I don’t want you to leave something you want to do.”
I rolled over on my side to face her. “I want you.”
